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Alcoholic Boyfriend of Six Months - Told Him to Leave

by Jeannie
(Toronto)

We are both divorced and both 52 years old. This was supposed to be our great last chance for romance. He moved into my place after a few weeks of going out. He is very handsome and very sexy and ... an alcoholic.

Of course, he doesn't think so. He calls himself a habitual drinker, and he can cut back or quit any time he wants. He doesn't drink before 6 pm. He never blacks out or gets into fights. BUT he is unemployed and homeless and bankrupt and suffers from insomnia and depression. His kids hardly talk to him and he owes all his friends money.

I read post after post after post of people staying/suffering with an alcoholic partner for YEARS. I'm too old to go through all that.

And yet, he says he loves me. He says I didn't give it a chance. He says I'm throwing away our future, the house he will build one day, the trips we will take, the adventures we will have.

Logically, I know this is the right thing. Addicts lie. I know that.

Please tell me I did the right thing kicking him out.

Answer

Hi Jeannie.

You did the right thing. He's the one throwing away your future together because he's the one that isn't prepared to stop drinking.

You might try asking him how you're going to have this wonderful future together if he's unemployed, homeless and bankrupt ...

As an alcoholic, he will do anything and everything to deny the extent of his problem, allowing him to avoid taking responsibility for the state of his life currently, and so blaming you becomes the easy thing to do.

Until he's able to get real, acknowledge he has a problem, and go on and receive proper help for it, nothing is going to change ... in fact it will probably only get worse.

So for a bit of pain now, you're saving yourself a lot of heartache later. Addicts easily confuse 'love' with 'neediness'. Real love is a verb, it's about your actions, not about throwing around a word that has become so misused today.

You're 52 years young - plenty time still to find a man that can be there for you in ways that an alcoholic simply cannot.

Best of Luck.

Comments for Alcoholic Boyfriend of Six Months - Told Him to Leave

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Apr 10, 2010
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Back again
by: Anonymous

Hi Jeannie
I hope you got your key back because it will only get harder. Alcoholics can be very convincing and they can make you feel sorry for them. That is how i got sucked in. Remember the mood swings anger, depression, anger, depression, sorrow are all symptoms of the alcohol. He may have real problems with depression but they cannot be diagnosed untill he is alcohol free for at least 6 months. If he is not willing to get clean, stay clean and work the program it is better you stay away. As I said I hope you got your key back for starters.Good luck stay strong God Bless

Apr 10, 2010
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He still has keys
by: Anonymous

On Friday, he came to the apartment in the afternoon to eat and sleep. He's been staying at a friend's place, sleeping on the couch, which he says is really uncomfortable.

He called me to ask if he could stay until I got home so we could talk.

When I got home he was asleep in bed.

I woke him up and the first thing I said was "Do you have a place to stay tonight?"

Then he started into "Let's talk. We can figure this out. We can fix this. We never even had an argument."

But I kept saying "Yes, we can talk, maybe we can even date, but you can't stay here anymore."

He was so angry and sad and angry again and then depressed again.

He took some more clothes and some food from the fridge and left.

I know it was all about wanting a free place to stay and sleep and eat, but I do feel badly that he has no where to go.

AND lying there in bed, I ALMOST just got in and snuggled with him.... but I didn't.

He accuses me of becoming a different person so quickly, so completely. He accuses me of using him. He accuses me of never loving him, that everything I said all these months was a lie.

Boy, they really don't get it, do they....

Apr 09, 2010
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Alcoholic boyfriend
by: Anonymous

Hi Jeannie,
So you had coffee with him and big surprise its your fault, you over reacted sounds just like my husband. Don't doubt yourself. Not only do they lie but they blame. My husband is still blaming me but as I said before I waited to long to get out and now I have other problems but I don't accept the blame anymore and that fustrates him. Always remember You did not cause it ,You cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You did not right thing. Don't let him blame you for his problem. Every alcoholic wants an excuse to drink,or its your falt they drink, or they believe they don't have a problem you do.Remember don't ever feel you did the wrong thing by throwing him out.Alcoholics are also very controling and cunning.Good Luck stay strong.

Apr 08, 2010
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Had coffee with the boyfriend tonight
by: Anonymous

AND he looked really good, his usual fantastic daytime self
AND he told me I was over reacting, that there wasn't a problem until I made it a problem
AND all the affectionate things I said to him over the past few months were bullshit, otherwise I could not throw him away so easily
AND how could I treat someone the way I have treated him

I mean I tried to ask him to leave at least three times before but he talked me into believing in our future together

This time I did it really publicly so that I couldn't go back to pretending all was okay

But my goodness he was convincing and I certainly DO feel badly

Apr 08, 2010
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Thanks
by: Jeannie

I know. After only six months, he owes me $7,000 (paid his cell phone, paid for Christmas trip to see his mom, paid for his prescriptions, etc etc) He really couldn't be trusted. Once I gave him a $20 because he needed it as a temporary deposit to get into a storage space (gets it back once he locks up) and after putting more of his stuff into the storage space, he spent the $20 on beer and wine.
I kept reading so many Al-Anon comments, like yourself, about putting up with this for YEARS and YEARS, good days, bad days, and I thought - six months or six years, it's never going to get better.
So now I have an apartment full of his stuff. I don't know when he's going to come and get it. He has no place to live and no job.
So I guess I'm ending up as a free storage unit.
Probably not too bad considering what might have happened.

Apr 07, 2010
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Right choice
by: Anonymous

Hi Jeannie,
You did the right thing. He is an alcoholic and he will never build you a house about all he is going to do is build up bills. His children don't want to bother with him because they have had enough. I have been married to an alcoholic for 30 yrs and I know my children have had it and so have I unfortunately I did not get out in time and now I am in a financial mess. You don't need a mess like that at the age of 52 enjoy your life. This man will never be able to be supportive to you, you will be the one supporting him emotionaly and financially. You made the right choice getting him out of your life. You have it right alcoholics lie. They lie to their family, friends and to themselves. Good luck wish I had gotten out before.

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