Being the Monster: How Alcohol Has Become My Refuge

by J
(North Carolina)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years this March. When we first started dating we talked on the phone nearly every day. Then 3 years ago we finally got our own place together like we had always talked about.

For a while things were good and we've had a lot of good times together. But now that I haven't had a job in 3 years my depression has gotten worse, and so alcohol became my refuge from the emptiness of depression.

He goes to work everyday and I'm here alone for 8 hours a day. Pretty soon i started drinking way too much and breaking things. I don't break things anymore but we have nasty fights over my drinking.

These "fights" consist of me getting worked up over very small things and exploding at my boyfriend. I've done terrible things. One time we were at a friend's birthday party at a restaraunt and I had too much to drink and made a huge scene. I was crying and angry and I even hit him on the way home in the car.

Needless to say his friends haven't had much to do with me since that day. I could go on for pages about stupid and hurtful things I've done. And yet he has stuck with me. He tells me "you're a wonderful person when you're sober". I love him so much for that and I'm tired of being the monster in his life.

It happened again this past monday night. I had had too much to drink and was screaming at him to go get cigarettes. He ended up leaving for a few hours that night as he has before.

I feel like he's finally ready to give up on me after sticking it out as long as he could. I feel like I've failed him and life in general. I feel like giving up on everything. thanks for listening.