Day One - I hope.

by AW
(Oregon)

I have been encouraged, reading these stories, that there is hope for a person to make it to day three or more without a drink. I sit here typing, with Merlot from last night oozing from my pores and breath, and truly hope and pray that there will be a "day two".

At 45 years old, I have been a fairly serious drinker since about age 19 ...

I come from three (or more?) generations of serious drinkers. Now, I am watching at least one of my four children follow the same path. The last 5 years have seen a dramatic increase in my alcohol consumption.

My wife and I both drink at least a bottle of wine a night and I will often drink two or add beer on the weekend. Or, just drink a 12 pack of good dark beer. I love dark beer but hardly taste it after the first one is down.

My health is suffering, my work is seriously suffering, and I am so tired of being ashamed.
We live in a small community and it is getting harder to hide our (my) issues. My wife turns violent when she drinks too much and several times this has proven almost fatal for her.

She thinks I will eventually leave her if she does not control her anger but seems barely restrained. We have been married 24 years this month. When her anger happens it's like a switch just clicked, and she is over the edge and has lost control.

All I can do is stay out of the way, try and keep things from being broken, and hope the neighbors are asleep. Thankfully it has been a month or so since she had one of these episodes.

Is this one day me?

I can't go anywhere for help. There is too much stigma and shame. Even my pastor, who used to be my best friend, terrifies me. What if he were to "out" me? How do I do this?

My wife does not want to quit. I love her deeply and desperately need her help with this.

So, there it is. My ugly story of shame and self loathing. Not sure why I am being so honest here (while clearly I am not anywhere else) but I do see in the stories of others, myself, and hope that by doing this I can begin to heal and move on to sobriety forever. If not, well, this is kinda my last attempt. Not saying I would hurt myself, just don't know how to end this struggle.

Please include me in your prayers that today would actually be, Day One of a lifetime of sober days. In hope.AW