Dealing with a Violent and Dangerous Alcoholic

by Milena
(Sydney)

Hi, I truly need urgent help, hoping that I will be able to find it. I'm about to go back to my family home (in Serbia), after nearly 30years. Actually, running away from my alcoholic father 30yrs ago wasn't so hard as it is now going back - where my brother is ten times worse then it was my father.

My brother 47years of age drinks every day, night and he drink a lot, I mean a lot. He abuses our mother(beat her 5 times in 3years) and she has severe damages on brain since then. Unfortunately I wasn't there to help her. And even when I am there hardly I was of any help. He abuses everyone around him, his daughters, wife, my self, people around him etc.

As I live in Sydney, and my family are in Serbia, I have decided to go back in hope that I will be able to take away my mother somewhere safe.
The question I have is, how to do it? How to deal with him in the time, as I have to arrive in the same house where they all live together? Last time I have been there few moths ago, he was violent and aggressive, he even told me that when I get back it will be all under his control in the house(meaning-all of us around).

I don't want to live there, nor will I, yet I must save and help my mother. I am afraid to face him, to even talk to him. I don't know how to approach him and should I tell him that I want to leave with my mother?

The police force in that town is totally corrupted, so I can not rely on them. Rest of my family as well been hurt by him so I don't want them to get hurt again. His friends are scared from him as well ... It seems like he is untouchable! I do need help to find a solution, Please help me if you can.

Kind regards,
Milena s.

Answer

Hi Milena

When dealing with abuse and physical violence in respect of an alcoholic, we always recommend that those affected leave and build a new life for themselves.

But if your brother is so violent and won't even allow that - then somehow you have to figure out how to involve the authorities. If the police won't listen - surely there must be someone other authority in Serbia you can go to? He can't be totally above the law there, surely?

But since it doesn't sound like your brother will respond to reason and if there is no law enforcement authority in Serbia who can help you (try and look into various options though when you get there) - is there no way you can arrange with the rest of the family to somehow get your mother out of the house?

It sounds like her life is at stake - so aren't there any family members who'd be prepared to help? It really is a terrible situation you're in and I wouldn't wish it on anyone because if your brother is as dangerous as it seems - then anyone seen to help might be put at risk.

What about talking to him via the phone beforehand and asking him to allow your mother to come and live with you in Sydney? Maybe if you try and persuade him that it will be better for him - e.g. it will save him money not having to look after her, be less of a burden, and that you'll pay for her to come to Sydney etc. - he'll agree to it.

Other than that I don't really know what to say. By going to Serbia to deal with this you may be putting yourself at risk as well. So by selling your brother on the idea why it's better for him (appeal to his ego) that your mother comes and lives with you before you even leave - he may agree to putting her on a plane and sending her over.

You need to be very careful. Keep investigating what authorities there are in Serbia that may be able to step in and help, and then think very carefully before you decide on a course of action. We can only pray that somehow this all works out in the end - and whatever you do make sure you don't put yourself under unnecessary risk either.

God Bless and Good Luck

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