Depressed Alcoholic at 21

I'm a 21 year old female and I am an alcoholic. I started to drink at the age of 11. I am European - that's why I had easy access to alcohol. As it goes to a family background - none of my parents are alcoholics.

I have a brother who is a drug addict and an alcoholic. He destroyed my family financially and mentally. I came to the states to get away from him and start a new life. I was 16 at that time. Depressed, a drug addict and I had a drinking problem.

I am clean on drugs now for the past 4 years. I hate them. I wouldn't take them even if I was paid to. I'm a party girl. I was shy when I was young, I was fat and ugly and didn't have too many friends. It turned out I grew up to be a very good looking girl (not being cocky).

Alcohol has helped me overcome my shyness and be the center of attention, which I loved. I would drink at home alone. I would drink 6 of 7 nights of a week. I would leave myself a Monday to recover from the weekend. Which I would usually spend lying as a ''vegetable'' in front of the TV and feeding myself because I would usually not eat over a weekend.

I have done so many things that I regret over those years and they are hunting me. As if you would look at me not knowing all those fact about me you would see a good looking 21 years old woman who has a great job, is reasonable, wise, respectful. I live with my boyfriend who is also an alcoholic. I have never been so happy in my live and felt so loved.

But yes we do drink on daily basis. As a child I was very scared of my imagination. I would see things that weren't there. Until this day I am afraid of the dark. My past, things I've done, thing I see (which aren't there), million thoughts for a second ARE driving me crazy.

I'm only happy when I am with my boyfriend because I feel safe. I don't know what to do. I can not afford a psychiatrist. I don't know how to quit drinking or whether I want to quit. I have so many things going on in my head. My family, my struggling with bills. It's all so overwhelming. Seriously I know I'm a tough case. But please .... any advice???