Finally Fed Up With Myself

by Cathy
(Los Angeles)

I became an alcoholic 5 years ago. I know the exact day that it started, almost the exact minute. My husband was in another state starting a new job and I was diagnosed with stage one cervical cancer.

I didn't tell him because this was his dream job and I didn't want him to drop everything and race home. I went through the treatment alone, kept working my full-time job and started having a few glasses of wine at night to keep the terror I felt at bay. By the time I joined him on Maui I was an alcoholic.

I pretended that I wasn't. I've pretended that I'm not an alcoholic for five years now. Today I'm going to my first AA meeting. I've been in so much agony. I've become a person I don't know and don't like. I wouldn't be friends with me.

I'm not above lying or stealing to get what I want. I want to escape and be another person. I black out, I hallucinate. I've been assaulted because I was too drunk to be aware or fight back.

The biggest regret is the damage I'm doing to my husband and the damage I have done to our relationship. He's at the point where he almost doesn't want to be in the same room with me.

I have done probably irreparable harm to a man who's done nothing but love me. What have I given him? Lies, lots of lies. Deceit, hiding money so that I can get that next bottle, promising I won't be drunk when he comes home and breaking that promise over and over.

Saying and doing whatever it takes to get him out of the house so that I can go and get that bottle. He's gotten to listen to me rave, clean up my puke, see me passed out drunk more times than I can count, hear me cry in my drunkenness over this issue or that.

He's gotten to have me tell lies about him - things like he hit me (which he doesn't do) and a myriad number of other things. I put myself in hell and I've dragged him there with me without his consent.

I hate myself enough for 100 people and I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of not being able to face myself in the mirror. I'm tired of the guilt I feel all of the time. I'm tired of this demon inside of me that doesn't want to let go ...

I'm tired of feeling like everyone would be better off without me. I'm tired of hiding and lying. I'm tired of punishing my husband for my problem, for trying to twist it around to where it's his fault that I'm drinking because it's not his fault - it's mine. I'm tired of lying to him and about him. I'm tired of being this hateful, vengeful person who is always scared.

I've gotten to the point where I can't continue this way. My husband has heard me say I'm done with drinking so many times he doesn't believe a word I say anymore. Who can blame him - I would have left me a long time ago.

Hopefully, this is the first step in getting back to who I used to be.