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Grown Children Living With Me Addicted to Drugs - HELP!?

by Janet

I am 66 and living on Social Security. My son 35 and daughter 38 live with me. They are both drug addicts. My daughter is getting 140mgs methadone from the state + she take 1.0 mgs xanax too.

Also heard she was on other things. No rehab will take her till she comes down to 80mgs methadone.(of course the clinic will not talk to me)... I know she will not wake up one day.

She lived on the streets for years, can't work or hold a job. My son 35 was on suboxone, quit and has hocked everything he owns, plus I am finding things missing. He will not work, always telling me "He's trying"...

They have no credit to rent an apartment or have a car. If I co-sign I have to pay. I have tried everything. I live on $1700.00 a month and going broke feeding them and trying to keep bills paid. Of course no money for rehab that cost $30,000 a month. I am so sad.

Answer

Hi Janet

Sounds like you're giving your children a free ride and making it far too easy for them to sustain their habits.

I know you love your children, but they're taking full advantage of your kindness, and in doing so you're inadvertently enabling their behaviour.

You need to make it clear to them if they want to continue using drugs - they do so on their own time, in their own place, at their own cost. Until an addict really begins to experience the consequences of their drug using - they have no motive or incentive to want to change their behaviour. So by you insisting it's time they begin to fend for themselves you might actually give them that.

Now I know you don't want to see your daughter back on the streets potentially, but as a parent you have to learn to let go ... as painful as that may be at times.

I think its time you set your children an ultimatum - if they want to continue living with you - they have to get clean (not all rehabs are $30000) and then they have to start contributing financially. No 'ifs' and 'buts.' Set a deadline. But things can't continue as they are. They have to learn to help themselves because you've done everything you can.

And if you end up having to kick them out, know that you've done everything you can, and that the only hope they ever have of changing is by them coming to the realisation that they are responsible for making it happen. Remember you didn't cause their addiction ... you can't control ... nor can you cure it.

It's time for you to take your life back by not allowing your children to dominate it any longer.

Best of Luck and Be Strong

Comments for Grown Children Living With Me Addicted to Drugs - HELP!?

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Jan 31, 2013
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My son is an alcoholic and drug addict.
by: Brokenheart in Texas

Sounds like you are dealing with the same thing that I am, but yours is times 2. My son is 26 yrs is old and is addicted to alcohol and synthetic marijuana. He does not follow through with trying to get a job, drinks and does drugs all day and most of the night until he passes out. With him every night is a party. He disrespects me verbally and in many other ways. Recently he took my debit card without permission on 3 occassions and used it to get cash. He can not be trusted. He laughs at me when I ask him to leave my home. he is always drunk and trying to cook. He was on the synthetic weed and had a bad trip the other night. he was crying and rushed in my room saying he dreamed he was in hell! At night I do not get any sleep because he is trying to cook and has almost started a fire many times. I am getting my life back on track after a stroke and brain surgery (anuerysm). I am a junior in college again pursuing my Bachelor's degree at 50 yrs old. I'm beyond fed-up. I am going to talk with a judge in the morning to try and get a substance abuse warrant to have him picked up. At the sametime I am going to request a restraining order. He is violent sometimes breaking my belongings. My heart is broken.

May 22, 2010
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Cut the apron strings
by: Anonymous

I know this sounds harsh. As an adult child who had raised addicted parents. I say cut the apron string! Do not let your children bully you and make you feel guilty for their addiction. A great reality treatment program is The Healing Place in Louisville Ky (they have a simular one in Durham N.C.) that does not cost you a thing for treatment. Its invasive and addicts have to want to get help first. No matter how much you love them and want whats best for them, this is a situation they have to want to fix. I really dont mean to sound mean or heartless. It is obvious you love you children and they are breaking your heart. I have seen this same story on many levels and have experienced it first hand. I tell my own parents I love them but I will only help them only when the chose to help themselves. (This has also included other family members with addiction issues.) I refuse to enable them in anyway that contribues to their addiction.

Mar 30, 2010
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My son
by: Sharon

My son is almost 37. He lives a state away. He cannot come home unless I hear from a certified drug counselor that he is in some kind of treatment. I don't know what his drug of choice is today. I am sick of the lies. My husband and I do not believe anything he says. He gets wonderful jobs and loses them within 3 months when the employee realizes he is full of shit. Then it is everyone elses fault. He lives with a girl that seems to be just as bad as him. The relationship is based on lies too. The saddest thing is his 15 year old beautiful daughter. She is also the daughter of an addicted mom. We tried to raise her but she kept going back to her mom. My husband and I want so much to live our own life. We have both just turned 60. I have no hope for my son. I believe only one of two things will happen, overdose or jail. His mind is fried. He does not know anymore how to do the right thing. Mental problems and drugs. What came first, who knows.
My husband and I have been in therapy for 5 years. Our marriage almost broke up. We are very strong now in our love and our relationship and will not let even our own child come between us.
I wish him good luck (of course) he chose this life. He knows what to do to get out of it. He choses not to.

Oct 25, 2009
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Be Strong
by: Anonymous

Try surrounding yourself with like-minded parents at groups like Al Anon and Naranon. You'll find a lot of comfort and support there and will be able to learn what other parents and family members are doing in your position.

But you've also got to try and find it in you to start setting boundaries because things can't continue as they are. Sometimes the most living thing to do for someone is set them free so that they can learn their own lessons.

I do hope everything works out for the best. Best of luck and take care.

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