Husband Swears He Stopped Drinking But Continues to be Verbally Abusive and Displays Drunken Behaviors

by Karen Brown
(Florida)

The husband swears he has only drank once in 5 months BUT he continues to act like he has been drinking. He continues to be mean and say inappropriate things in front of our 4 children.

If I say to him, "You are acting differently", he lashes out verbally. The next morning, he continues to uphold that he has been sober. I don't believe him. He slurs his words, face gets real red, he has hate in his eyes, says very hurtful things, stumbles, and falls asleep early at night.

Our two teenage kids know when he is acting like this and hate it. The husband blames me for my neglect of him for years on his behavior. I know I am not the cause of his alcoholism or verbal abusiveness. Is it possible this is a mental illness and not just the alcohol??

He thinks he is doing everything to keep the marriage together, although, continues his abuse.

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Answer

Hi Karen

Dry Drunk syndrome is a symptom some people display who have have stopped drinking - but who don't actually work at changing their old negative and destructive thinking patterns and behaviours, so they're essentially the same person they were when they were drinking, except without the alcohol.

Now this could be your husband, but someone who slurs and stumbles sure doesn't sound like they haven't been drinking. But it actually really doesn't matter - because even if you do stop drinking but don't make the effort to really change - what's the point?

That's why having an alcohol addiction recovery program to work at once you stop drinking/achieve sobriety is so crucial - because that's where you make the lasting mental and emotional changes that allow you to become a 'better/new' person now that you're no longer drinking.

So if your husband hasn't made any effort to find/work at a recovery program like AA - it's not surprising he's just the same as he used to be. And until he stops playing the blame game and takes responsibility for having to change, you're unfortunately going to be stuck with more of the same.

Any kind of abuse is under NO circumstances ever acceptable and you need to convey that message to your husband. He needs help and you should insist he gets it if he wants to save your marriage. A combination of therapy and working a recovery program will help him change.

And if he's not prepared to do that, for your own sake and that of your children, you should then really consider whether continuing in this relationship is going to provide you and the kids with the love and stability you need.

The sad reality is, until your husband is prepared to take TOTAL ownership of his problem and get the help and support he needs, nothing is likely to change. You can only hope that if he realises you will no longer tolerate his behavior and that he may lose you as a result, he'll be motivated to do so.

God Luck and God Bless

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