Is the Reason My Heroin Addicted Boyfriend Left Me My Fault?

by Mary

Hi. I was with my ex partner for three years. He was a heroin addict - I stuck by him and he got clean. At first I was able to be strong, then I fell apart.

I tried to kill myself three times. He claims it was to punish him. We broke up coz he wanted me to get rid of my family. For a while he claimed I was too negative. I had serious issues and we stopped sleeping together ... he claimed methadone caused him to lose his sex drive which I accepted.

In the end we were not getting along so I moved out and we tried to work it out. I found out he was on websites talking dirty and arranging to meet other women so I left. It got very verbally abusive with him blaming me and saying he just went on sites to see if he had a sex drive.

He said I owed him money from a loan he took out so I could go to college. I paid toward it and when the relationship ended he refused money. I still paid then he would be nice and then could turn nasty. I really loved this person and am still very hurt - I don't understand it and I study ad
diction counselling.

I blame myself - he lives in our old house we rented. I left our dogs he, won't let me see them. It's like he hates me and I feel sometimes, should I be paying him or did I mess him up? I hear he is still clean and seems to be doing better than me. I wonder ... did he love me or is all this do do with recovery?

He never followed up on counselling - he insisted, I needed it more ... probably true. He continued to smoke weed heavily throughout our relationship and now claims we are meant to not be just with one person, and that you take anger out on the person that deserves it.

He also claims I was his problem and I am a weak victim. I just wanted all the drug use to stop. I don't know what else to say - am I the only one who has had this and was my depression the reason it ended?

Answer

Hi Mary

Blaming yourself is not the way to go. Your ex-boyfriend's addiction is not your fault and has nothing to do with you. There are three key principles you need to understand in relation to someone else's addiction: You didn't Cause it, You Can't Control it, and You Can't Cure it.

Holding onto what might have been with your ex-boyfriend is also not healthy. Be glad for him and that he's moved on. Some things are just not meant to be - so things not having worked is no reflection on you.

The main thing you need to be focusing on now is to get yourself healthy and feeling good about yourself. You can't change your past, but you can do something about your future.

Being involved with someone suffering from an addiction for so long means you're likely struggling with codependency and need to learn how to develop healthy relationships. Look into a group like CoDA (coda.org)to help you with that.

But the main thing is to develop your self-esteem and confront whatever issues like depression you're struggling with. Until you do, you're not going to be able to find true peace and happiness. Find yourself a good therapist and make yourself your primary priority. Do that and everything else will in time begin to take care of itself.

Good Luck and God Bless

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