My 19 Year Old Son Says He is Addicted to Smoking Pot and is Depressed. He Says I Don't Help Him and I Should Have Known What He Was Doing.

by Anne
(Massachusetts)

My son is 19 and for the past 2 years has suffered from depression made worse by smoking pot daily. He was on medication for less than 3 months but stopped because he didn't like the way it made him feel. At first he said that smoking gave him something to do and made him feel better.

He got his GED and was accepted to college. The first one he only lasted 3 days before withdrawing and coming home. Fortunately, the only money I lost was the deposit. In January he tried again at a different school, he did finish the semester, but refuses to go back there. It's always somebody else's fault, nobody likes him, he doesn't have any friends, he spent all the rest of his money on pot.

He went to counseling for a brief time to try to deal with the way he was feeling. His dad has not been in his life since he was 4 and he was told that it is not his fault. I love him and have tried to help him, but he does not help himself.

If he does not go back to school this September, my child support will be reduced and the student loan that I cosigned will be due, he won't get a job, not even part time, so I will be the one paying the loan. He won't go get help, his brother who has helped him the past two years along with me is disgusted with him because he won't take responsibility for his life and he's mean to me.

I have a 17 year old daughter also who doesn't feel sorry for him anymore because of how he is. I have done all that I can to help him and because of his age I can't make him go get help. He told me I should have known that he would spend the money that he got back from his room deposit, even though we talked about it at the time.

It was only to be used for his car insurance or school and if it was too tempting, to give it to me. I had faith in him and he agreed with me until now, turning it back on me. He says he wishes he was born into a different family. He has broken my heart and I know that he only says these things because he is hurting, but I don't know what to do anymore.

I know not to give him any money, but he does nothing. His life is going nowhere, and he doesn't love himself enough to care. I can't kick him out because he has no friends, no where to go. I just can't do that. Any help?

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Anne

Your son needs professional help - a stint in Rehab would likely be a good place to start - but if he refuses to go for treatment and get help, it doesn't leave you with a lot of options.

All you can do is love your son, and right now the best way of loving him is to make sure you don't feel sorry for him or enable him in any way. Let him blame and do whatever else he does, but try not to let that get to you, and instead do everything you can to create a loving and positive home environment for yourself and other children.

Maybe if he sees his negativity isn't having an effect on anyone anymore, he'll come to realise that he needs to take responsibility for how he's feeling and get the help he needs to start addressing his depression and marijuana problem.

You simply have to reinforce the message that he needs to start wanting to help himself by getting professional treatment if his life is going to change ... and that neither you nor his siblings are going to engage him anymore while he's feeling sorry for himself/being negative.

So resolve to stay strong and remember that while you ultimately can't control your son's choices, you can at least choose to create a happy, healthy and loving home environment for yourself and your other children.

And if things still don't improve in time you may have to draw a line in the sand and tell your son that unless he starts wanting to help himself and agrees to receiving treatment - you don't want him living at home anymore because of all the toxic energy he's bringing into your home and the effect it's having on everyone. But hopefully things don't get to that.

P.S. As hard as this is for you Anne don't despair that things can get better. I suggest that you may also want to get your hands on a copy of Help! My Child Is An Addict which you can do Here. There is a lot of additional information in there that could be helpful to both you and your son in dealing with his depression and marijuana habit. Whatever you decide though, best of luck

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