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My 23 Year Old Son is Destroying His Life with Drinking - 7 Years Now & Counting

My beautiful son

My 23 year old son started drinking from the age of 15.(so far as we know, could have been earlier)

My daughter (now 28, a college grad, wonderful productive girl!) and I are beside ourselves trying to deal with him and his destructive, some times dangerous behavior.

He has had 3 DUI's since the age of 16 and has gone through several 30 day treatment programs, counseling & AA meetings. Nothing has worked.

At one point he asked us to please get him help, he has been periodically suicidal. He was raised in a good home, his father and I were loving parents & he attended school in a very good public school system.

We had lots of problems with him beginning at the age of 15. Prior to that he was a straight A student, we had such high hopes for his future.

He is now spiralling out of control. I had to kick him out of the house last June because he was becoming increasingly belligerent & angry all the while drinking alone in the basement rec room, taking our cars in the middle of the night.

I lived in fear of what would happen next, hiding car keys, searching the house for hidden alcohol. His behavior became threatening after the last DUI which was March 2008.

While all of this was getting worse I learned his father (my husband of 28 years) had developed terminal cancer. This happened when my son was a senior in high school (fall of 2003)and the 3 year battle that followed for my husbands life did not help my sons problems.

I dealt with all of this the best way I possibly could. I was forced to watch my husband deteriorate & then die in Aug. 2006. As a result of the medical bills and trying to support my family on my income alone I almost lost the house and was forced to file bankruptcy.

Currently there seems to be no hope in sight for my son. He cannot hold down a job, has dropped out of school multiple times. Any time there is the slightest problem (his hours were cut back to 6 hours a week the last job he had) he uses that as an excuse to hit the bottle.

Most often he drinks alone as he is often ashamed of what he is doing but does not seem to care what it is doing to his family. In fact he is usually angry when I finally get to talk to him.

He will soon loose his apartment as he cannot pay his bills and mostly I am afraid for his life at this point. I cannot have him out on the street but I have no idea how I can live with this again in my home.

He refuses to cooperate in any way, has overdrawn his checking account 12 times in the past 2 weeks purchasing alcohol. I called the bank asking them to please stop allowing the overdrafts & close his account (he uses his debit card).

I was told they will continue to pay the debits & charge the fees until 30-45 days have passed and then they will simply send it to collections. Is there any hope or anyway we can deal with this? He has no medical insurance.

Thanks for listening. Desperate & heart broken mom in Ohio.

Comments for My 23 Year Old Son is Destroying His Life with Drinking - 7 Years Now & Counting

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Dec 03, 2013
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Alcoholism
by: Anonymous

I started drinking at an age of 16 years, and i have gone through the worst period of my life. Lost heavily, on property, became too cranky at times. Even a simple irritation or a dislike, the only solution was Alcohol. My sincere advise to all parents is to watch out for Children between 14-19 years, if you can some how by god's grace avoid them solicializing with Friends, after all who cares about the society, the chances of them Drinking is certainly controlled.

Start controlling at 10 and then watch out for friends. Usually friends who are 2 to 3 years older are the ones who will tempt us, it is an unknown trap. There are times, when my friend's friend happens to influence, on careful observation, he will be the Eldest in the group with whom we follow.

Scare them when they are young. Show them TV series like Lock up, this is what happens to you if you do. Narrate examples, if that psycological fear is there, then they dare not go on binge drinking.

They need to hate drinking, try this solution. Make them to vomit on their clothes and say, look at you, what you have done? the guilt in them will sober, them. Push year by year by some trick or the other once matured they will not go after the evil.

Change of place will do good for them... God bless you, i am sorry at times i have expressed in explict way, i am only hoping this world will become a better place.

Jan 10, 2013
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These comments are helping
by: Anonymous

My son lived with us last summer, but he got so out of control I bought a camper so he wasnt in my house. The camper was right next to the house, we told him no drinking aloud while living here. Yep that worked well, he came home in the middle of the night drunk, screaming, reving up his truck. I went out to quiet things down, Im sure neighbors heard this. He then proceeded to go after me. He hurt me a little, not serious. Mentally it hurt worse. He now is in an apt. was laid off his job and Im worried he will want to move back home. I did send him a bit of money to help him for food, but in the note I wrote that I was concerned about his drinking and how he got violent, didnt want him to lose his apt. Not sure exactly how I wrote it, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done, I almost went to the mailbox and pulled it out, once I knew the mail was gone, I sit here now reading your posts. I guess it helps to know others are also going through this. I pray for him every night, and have nightmares everynight also that I will get that late night phone call. Im glad I found this sight and will be thinking of all of you going through these heartbreaking orddeals.

Dec 14, 2012
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A lost life
by: Anonymous

Your story is my story. My son started drinking when he was 15. He to came from a loving family. There is nothing worse then watching your beautiful son destroy himself with alcohol. Matt went to rehab several times, the longest he stayed was 2 months, as soon as he left rehab he would start drinking again. I felt so helpless, so desperate that I could do nothing to help or stop him from drinking. He was a gentle soul most of the time, he used to say to me "Mum I dont want to be like this, I want to live a normal life, have a girlfriend and friends" and my heart would break for him. My beautiful son lost his life 1 year ago at the age of 28.

Jun 10, 2012
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another post
by: Cody

It's really disturbing to see all these comments.

The same issues and no solutions.
Unfortunately, I writing this am the son who has put my family through hell and back many times.

I started by smoking marijuana when I was younger, 16 or so. I can remember being younger and not really having an identity. For some stupid reason I thought that I could be "that stoner" type of personality.

I lived it for years until I started drinking around 18. I never really developed social skills when I was young, so life without somekind of psychological crutch seemed dull and depressing.
Once I started drinking, things really started to go down. I loved the feeling of the alcohol rushing through my body.

I started drinking a lot of shots and hard alcohol. Red bull and vodka became my best friend and worst nightmare. As the years progressed I ended up in worse and worse blackout situations.

Theres been a few times I was lucky to come out of my circumstances alive. A few times I remember hearing "with a blood alcohol content that high it's amazing he isn't dead"

Fast forward to today, I'm just beginning to deal with my first dui. I fell asleep at the wheel late and night and totalled my vehicle. I'm lucky to have escaped without injuries .

My drinking has destroyed every aspect of my life as well as my family's. I really hope things change for anyone involved in the same situation.

All you can do is face it one day at a time.

Mar 04, 2012
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There is hope!
by: Anonymous

I usually try to post when I need to connect with others or offer some help. Today I post to give hope. My alcohlic son met a woman last year who got pregnant. They immediately started to turn both their lives around. The baby was born in November and my son's whole outlook on life has turned around. He is a wonderful father and husband. He has been working 2 jobs to help support his family. His wife is supportive and they are paying off their bills and doing the right thing in relation to his court cases. I never could have imagined ever being here given all the frustrations he put us through...uncontrolled anger, bad behavior, jail, police, stealing, overdosing, etc. We went through it all. It can happen for you too. Stay strong, pray when you need to, connect with others who know & understand what you are going through. Never give up or lose faith. We dont know if this will all stay the way it is, but I am very relieved for the moment, Miracles do, and can, happen.

Mar 04, 2012
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Broken Hearted too
by: Anonymous

I feel for you. My own son is 24 and out of control, this is his third domestic violence offense and he is facing two years in prison, too much for a mother to bear. I did not have a child to live this way or be behind bars.

Oct 12, 2011
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Colegios bilingües en México
by: Colegios bilingües en México

Great information here, thanks for sharing this valuable information!

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Sep 06, 2011
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My 23 year old son is also an addict
by: Anonymous

My son is 23 and has been using drugs for probably 5 years on and off. He was arrested twice for theft to support his dependency. He was convicted with the second theft charge. He was placed on probation and missed 2 court dates resulting in a warrant and was picked up and went to jail for 3 months. You would have thought that would of kept him straight? Nope, it did for a couple of months. Then the lying, stealing and attitude changes started. He was back on the drugs.
He has now been in a re-hab center for almost 3 weeks. they want to release him next Monday. He wants to enter a halfway house vs coming home to stay away from the area that keeps taking him back to his drug use. The rehab is 420.00 per month. I want to pay for him for the first month, my husband is totally against it. He wants to take the tough love route and let him be homeless once he is out. I totally disagree!!! He needs his family's support. Is trying to pay for his recovery once he knows he needs to continue his recovery enabling? I don't think so, maybe I am wrong. I just want him better. I am open to any advice. I am so tired.

Aug 29, 2011
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why
by: rob

its some how horribly comforting to know someone else is going throuh loveones with severe substance abuse ,my wife is out of control have tried everthing to get her off drinking or slow down ,nothing works ,would leave but i just hate giving up on someone i care so much for,she has aged 10 yrs in just three ,her abuse is destroying her body and mind ,I feel so alone and truley dont know what to do

Aug 17, 2011
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Getting Help
by: Deb

Sometimes the best thing to do is learn how to take care of yourself. Find an Alanon chapter locally and start going to meetings. They really do help. I too have an alcoholic son who has been in and out of jail, rehab, etc. It sucks, it hurts and there is so much hopelessness surrounding this disease. Do NOT dismiss Alanon as a way to help. Give it a try. Good luck to all that post here.

Aug 17, 2011
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25 Year Old Son Trashing His Life
by: Anonymous

My son has been drinking since he was in high school. The problem only got worse at college, and now he's a full blown alcoholic, barely able to function, barely holding on to a job way beneath his education and skills level. He can't sustain relationships with friends and girlfriends, he's lying, he's drinking instead of eating in order to save money, and he can't handle any major event in his life without retreating into a bottle.

I don't know what to do anymore. We can't afford a treatment center, he's got no insurance and he's ineligible to be on ours since he technically works full time and lives on his own.

If he doesn't get a handle on this within the next few months, I feel there's no hope at all left for him. He's going to end up on the street or in jail (he gets angry easily when drunk and gets into fights).

My husband hides behind his job so he doesn't have to deal with the problem, and my daughter is getting the short end of the stick because he takes up so much energy and time.

I don't think God hears my prayers, if there's even a God at all. It's hard to believe in a God who would wish this on people.

I feel helpless and I know, deep down, he feels helpless, and the sad truth is we are helpless. There isn't any help out there at all.

Everywhere I turn, it's drinking-drinking-drinking, liquor-liquor-liquor. This society is saturated in liquor. People drink more now than ever. It's EVERYWHERE. You can't go to a family restaurant without drink advertisements on the table, you can't drive two blocks without liquor advertisements, you can't go to a ball game, anywhere, without liquor and drinking and "happy hours" and freaking DRINKING shoved in your face 24/7. Where is there help for this? How do you get a 25 year old young man to do anything? I am at the end of my rope, I want to make him better, I want him to see that his world would open up and his life would be a 1000 times better if he would stop drinking, but I can't, and there's no one else. No one, not even his own father.

Aug 15, 2011
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Its the saddest thing in the world
by: KennyK

I understand this from your (concerned parents) shoes now, and i have no answers on a way to help someone you love so dearly get control of their life back. Im unable to sleep thinking about how deeply my sister is ruining her life right now, she is a vicodin addict who is literally crumbling before our eyes. I am a fully recovered drug addict, and i know in my case i look back in horror and great sadness at what i was doing to my family, and me. from the addicts perspective, the one you love is honestly not running their lives, they are too overwhelmed to stand up to the real problem. They are the only hope that they have. I learned a painful lesson that nomatter how hard i try, or anyone else the fact that i cannot do it for her, i cant make her fight for herself or my niece. All we can do in these shoes is show them the door, they have to walk through it. My condolences to all of you, best of luck to your loved ones.

Jul 19, 2011
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My 22 year old son is lost
by: Anonymous

My son is 22 years old.He has started experamenting with alchahol and drugs probabaly at the age 17.Four years ago his mother and I got a divorce because we just couldnt resolve our issues.I feel guilty for his behaivior since then he has been drinking often.Last month he got two consecutive dui's.I dont think he understand the magnatude of thes violations and the mental stress and financial stress he's put on his mother and me.We both love him more that I could put in words.I baled him out of jail by selling some of my construction equipment and pawning my jerwlery.I couldnt stand to see him in jail one night.I'm going to get him in a 30 day program.The cost to me is 6500 dollars and I dont have insurnace I am paying cash.I dont know if what I'm doing is right.I just know I will go to any lenths to try and get him help.I love him dearly.His Dad

Jul 18, 2011
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My troubled son also
by: Anonymous

I am a parent and a father. My son who is now 19 which still his brain is like a 12 year old, acts line one and had been influenced by his friends to do some sort of drugs.

I am not sure exactly yet what he is doing but he comes home and my other children including myself can tell that his face looks different (Pale and acts very strange). My other children would make fun and say dad, mom look at ****** his face looks weird and is acting weird.

This is not a good sign for my younger kids to be seeing. I am lost at this point and is not sure what to do. I have warned him abou being kicked out of the house, even kicked him out once but being that my brother lives right next door ( We live in a duplex (But do to my brother living next door he goes over and then causing my brother to come speak to me. Being my older brother is the very sympedic type so he would just keep saying "let him in") he will go over and stay over my brother's house. My brother and sister in law would come over and say "Why are you not letting him in the house"? I give them the reason but they don't understand the reason behind it even after explaining it to them.

Now he goes as he please to get high and loan "MY" things to his friends as he pleases as if he owns it and bought them himself. When I ask all he does is just look and stare at me as if I was some sort of retarded person asking him a question.

I am SO totally lost on what my next step is. I just want to kick him out but again being a man and my wife " Which is too sympethidic that would not be able to do it".

But again, if you can let go of something how is it going to ever change or learn. I hate being a parent in situations like this. I have my other two older brothers and theirs kids are driving and going to name colleges where my kid is a deadbeat with no matter the sympethidic story I tell and what I have been through to get here and accomplish for them. They just don't care in the world because right now they know about getting high and waisted.

Aaaaahh!, help us all GOD!!

Jul 14, 2011
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OMG He's coming home-OMG HELP
by: Anonymous

WOW-all the stories How does this end? God help all of us.

Jun 22, 2011
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MY 23 YEAR OLD SON IS DESTROYING HIS LIFE WITH DRINKING
by: Anonymous

I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU AND WANT YOU TO KNOW I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING. MY SON IS 24 YEARS OLD AND HAS BEEN DRINKING SINCE HE WAS 15 I THINK? HE HAS MANAGED TO GAG ALL OF HIS FAMILY BECAUSE HE BECOMES SO ANGRY EVERYTIME THE DRINKING PROBLEMS COMES UP AND WE ALL SHUDDER NOW BECAUSE WE ARE SICK OF AN ALMIGHTY EXPLOSION.
NO BODY CAN LIVE WITH THIS BEHAVIOUR AND HE MOVES FROM COUCH TO COUCH. I HAVE BEEN TO PSYCHOLOGISTS, COUNSELLORS,GROUP MEETINGS, YOU NAME IT LOOKING FOR INFORMATION AND WAYS TO DEAL WITH THIS AND REALLY NOTHING HAS WORKED. HE HAS ALSO HAD SIMILAR COUNSELLING USUALLY WHEN HE HAS GOT HIMSELF INTO TROUBLE. HE COMES FROM A LOVING FAMILY, WENT TO A GOOD SCHOOL AND AS PARENTS WE DON'T DRINK BUT ARE NOT AGAINST SOCIAL DRINKING. WE ARE AT A LOSS, I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN AND I HAVE PRAYED EVERY PRAYER I CAN THINK OF - I AM HEART BROKEN AND I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS BEING DESTROYED QUICKER THAN HIS - BUT I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING JUST TO SEE HIM CHANGE, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WANT TO CHANGE.THINKIG OF ALL OF YOU, I GUESS WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER AND IT HURTS SO MUCH.

Apr 21, 2011
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Heartbreaking Pain
by: Anonymous

As I sit here and read all of your stories, I can't help but cry. I have been dealing with my 23 year old son's drug addiction for 7 years now. He has stolen from me, lied, damaged my home, my cars, stolen from his brother and worried me sick from dissapearing for days without anyone knowing where he was. I have had him in rehab several times and outpatient treatment to no avail. Nothing has helped. He finally moved in with his Dad and I thought maybe that would help but 10 months later, he's at it again. His Dad is now kicking him out and I'm not sure what he will do. He hasn't had a full time job for a number of years and spends everything he has on drugs. He has broken my heart and I'm terrified for him. I've spent so much time praying to God just to keep him alive. I wish I knew how to help him, but the sad truth is, he is the only one who can help him. Until he is ready to stop using these drugs, he won't stop.....I pray for all of you who have gone through this and for those of you who, at some point, will go through this. It's a nightmare for which we can only pray to wake up from....

Apr 03, 2011
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my experiences
by: Alcoholic

He may be mad, ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted with himself most likely. I've been able to graduate college and law school but havent been able to quit drinking. I'm 5 months sober after a 4 moth treatment center. I had 5 DUI's before I was 25.
I started drinking because I liked the feeling that it gave me. I kept trying to get the same feeling, but could never replicate it, although it continued to help for many years. Then it stopped hrlping and started hurting me. I had always had blackouts, but I started to get arrested, noticed that I drank to excess and forgot of other responsibilities. I did not drink like others any more. I drank until I was out of money, kicked out, sick or, most likely, passed out.
I developed an obsession to drink even though I didnt want to.Then when I took that drink, I had no defense to stop. I could not stop at one or two drinks most times, but drank until one of the above occurred. I began to despise myself and drank to forget about these feelings. When I drank I could be another person without the problems. I still worked, was successful, could maintain a relationship for a short time, but I KNEW that it would all eventually come tumbling, and yet I wouldnt quit because I didnt have to yet. Eventually I was arrested again for DUI and knew that I could no longer cover it up. I couldnt practice law, so I couldnt make a living, so I couldnt pay bills, so I couldnt continue to act like nothing was wrong. I'm sober, but not happy yet. I realize that I have to be happy with me. Drinking is just a symptom of the underlying discomfort which I am trying to cover up. I have to find a way to be comfortable in my skin and I havent done so completely yet. AA helps because it gives me a place to be around others with the same feelings. I dont have to be alone. I may not feel a part yet, but I'm not isolated. This may be the way your son feels?
For you, I can only say that he has to hit bottom before he'll want to quit. Why would he want to stop, if hwe can go on drinking? You need to love him and offer support. Ask him if he has any of the same feelings that I mentioned and possibly offer assistance with treatment, etc. But do NOT continue to enable him. My mom did so and it didnt work. You may end up prolonging his recovery because he feels he can still drink and survive. Do not offer financial assistance. Do not get him out of legal jams, jail, etc. When the consequences become to great he will have to find a way to cope with it, and if he knows that alcohol will no longer work, he will hopefully turn to recovery. I truly think that if he is a true alcoholic, then a long term treatment center (6-12 monthd) is one of the best ways to treat this. He will have to develop an entirely new psychic attitude towards most everything in his life and to do so he needs to be immersed in the recovery community. Unfortunately, some people such as myself seem to have to lose everything before they will take action. Hope it helps.

Dec 30, 2010
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Help is on the way
by: Morgan

My friends, I am, a 75 year old grandfather of three. Boys 16 and 18 and grandaughter 23. The grandaughter has had drug problems since high school. She is highly intelligent but her MOM and DAD divorced when she was 13 and that had a great affect on her life. She has gone to community colege and has gained 23 credit hours. She has had every opportunity to continue her college but is resisting for some reason. She dates guys that we don't approve of and I believe she is still on some type of drug every now and then plus she drinks too much. I am still working thank GOD to help her get back into sachool and get her degree. I furnish her a car to get to a job she has as a part time waitress. I pray everyday that GOD will bring her back to reality and clean her life up. TRUST IN GOD and turn iut all over to him.

Nov 18, 2010
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Hang In There
by: Anonymous

Don't give up hope. I was once like your son. I was beyond help at 23 and I didn't come out of it until I was 28 years old. I started around 15, I guess. I had 4 DUIs. I hurt my family and who knows who else. I should be dead. Instead, somehow I graduated from college (I don't know how I pulled that one off) and I now work as an IT professional. I'm now 42 and I have a wonderful family and my parents are proud of me, for once in my life. I hope that your son can find his way in life. For me, it took some jail time and nearly losing my family. I was fortunate to meet the love of my life and clean myself up. I was a mess. Someday, your son can find his way out of this. I have never been in your position, my girls are 9 and 5 and I hope and pray that I never am. I come from the other side of the fence. I don't know why I responded to this post. I just wanted to say, "Hang in there and don't give up hope."

Nov 18, 2010
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Waste of his life
by: Anonymous

Just like all of you, i've done everythng I think possible, counseling, psychiatrists, family, church - for both of us and it's a never ending circle. My son is 19, hates me and his brother, has put us both through hell on earth but it's still our fault. Drugs, alcohol, crime. He nearly died last year and I hoped that would be the turning point. No, back on the same road while I dread any late night call, see something on the t.v. that might be him, the sound of an ambulance turns my stomach. I can't believe this is how my life is, no-one else realises the torment, sadness, you put on a happy face, go to work, try to live a normal life for my other son, he's old beyond his years.

Sep 20, 2010
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Lost
by: Patty

I was sitting here today and i am at a lost too. I also have a 23 yr, old son who becomes violent when he is drinking. Last night he came into the livingroom and told me he wished I was dead. Then went downstairs and started vomiting all over. My husband wants him thrown out and it breaks my heart to even consider this, since he will have no where to go. Most sights on the internet says I cannnot help him and he has to want to get help.Its just gut wrenching for me to think if i throw him out I will get a call to identify him.I Pray for all of us .

Jul 23, 2010
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It's Come to This
by: Anonymous

In less than a month my son will be sentenced to prison for a mandatory minimum of 2 years. I have been able to think of little else. My heart aches. I feel like I have lost him. I don't know him anymore. My emotions are mixed. On the one hand I'm scared. On the other hand I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I feel guilty because I don't want him to come back to my house when he gets out. He is almost 23 & he has put me thru hell. I'm afraid of who he will be when he gets out. It will crush me when they take him but ican only pray that the experience changes him for the better.

Jul 23, 2010
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I'm going through the same thing
by: Connie

I wish I could help you. You are not alone. My 22 year old is putting us through a living hell. He abuses any pain meds he can get his hands on along with xanax and washes it all down with alcohol.He moved out of my home a month ago, came for a visit last week and ended up threatening our family with a knife because I told him not to come around if he was going to be disrespectful and loaded out of his mind. Police at my house 3x that day. Later he texted me that he was sorry and loved me. I gave no response and he ended up in the emergency room after totaling his car and then taken to jail for dui. It is frightening to see my once sweet happy son turn into someone I don't know. I'm scared to death he's going to die. When the phone rings and I see that it's him, I don't even want to pick it up. He's a dark cloud over my head but I love him so much. I pray for you and the rest of us going through this nightmare. It appears to me that addiction is a very selfish disease. I would never want to put my family through what he is putting us through.

Jul 07, 2010
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The Serenity Prayer
by: Deb

Sometimes this prayer is all I have. I cannot change my son from being an addict or alcoholic. I cannot keep him alive. I cannot keep him out of jail. All I can do is continue to love him and hope he finds his way. Today I am grateful he is alive and no longer at home causing us chaos as before. Does this mean he has changed? No. But at least for this moment I do not have to worry about him. I know it can change any time and that is difference. Hang in there. Keep loving your son and learning to let him do what he has to for himself. I hope he finds his way.

Jul 07, 2010
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From Meth to Alcohol, What's
by: Anonymous

Five years ago, my son who is now 37,was doing Meth. There were times that we thought we'd lose him either from the drugs or the violent behavior and all that goes along with it. We stuck it out with him, moving him in, then out again...going through the most difficult time time. He would never admit that he had a problem, we tried everything! Even "tough love"!

His older brother was a tremendous help, his love, patience and understanding were the reason for Jason overcoming most of his problems.

Finally, he hit "rockbottom." We couldn't help him out financially anymore and he had drained us mentally and physically.

Somehow, he straightened out. Little by little things seemed much better. He'd gotten some of his self-confidence back. I praised him many times and asked him if he could try to write a book to help other kids overcome the drugs.

He still never wanted to admit that he had been on drugs, so that didn't work.

It was hard to not suspect that he could go back to using, but we had to try to give him a chance.

Instead of drugs, he's turned to alcohol, where his anger comes out. That is what we have to deal with now! Still, he won't admit that he's got that problem now.

Someone else quoted the "Serenity Prayer" and that is what I'll try to live by. That's all I have to go on. I'm thankful he's still alive and hope someday he'll change.

Jun 28, 2010
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me and, my grandaughter
by: jenmandy

My grandaughter's mom does not live with me. I have been in this baby's live seens she was 3 days old she is now 8 month's old the last time her mother picked her up was on moher's day. she don't care for this beautiful grandaughter of mine....Her mother has never taken her to a Doctors, She also has a 1i/2 year old from anoher 22 year old man, whom she went back to. I tell her to take her baby and,take responsability, but unfonately she dose't not want to. But then she clams she does, I feel that if you ae woman enough to oen your legs you have to be woman enough to raise your kids. If you have time to go to a club on a saturday you can picke up your daughter and, bond with her.....Then exposeing her to your family iike you careyou have picked her up 5 times in 8 month's what d I do? read my son is destoying his life and mines and you can continue readig this commnt.

Jun 28, 2010
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Keep the faith
by: Deb

I understand your fear and pain and just pray that you have the strength to do the right thing for your granddaughter. You have to protect yourself and her. I know the situation is horrible but you have her to watch over. I strongly recommend that you go to Alanon meetings. You will find strength and hope from others that are going through very similar issues. You cannot let your son in the house and if his girlfriend is staying with you too, she must contribute or leave. Hang in there. God placed that baby with you because you are her best hope. I pray your son wakes up from all the distructive behavior in time to realize all the gifts he truly has. A loving mother and a daughter who will be his legacy.

Jun 26, 2010
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My Son Is Destoying His Life And, Mines.
by: Anonymous

My son is destroying his life, and mine and, that of his 8 month old daughter. My son has been abusing drugs and selling them seens the age of 15 years old. He has verbally abuse me threw a remote control at me and broke my lip. he has also punched holes in my walls calls me all kind of names, I have giving him multiple oppertunities ad they have failed....My son lived in a efficency where he met a girl got her pregnant,my grandmother is 89 years old he never paid her s=any rent and on top of it all stoled wright along with his girlfriend a blank check and they made it out for 500 dollars and cashed it.....Well to make a long story short he got her girlfriend pregnant and they had a little girl who I'm now raising seens she was 3 days old..he got thrown out of the effecency and cried to me for help I let him and his girlfriend a her 1 year old son from another man stay in my house...He started being verbally abuseing towards me because I told him to get a job, the girlfriend was working, and he would sleep all day, I told him he had to leave my house and he told me I had to evict him....the baby was already born my first grandaughter,after my grandaughter was born he was abusive toward his girlfriend, when I later found out he use to beat her for her money to buy drugs.....He hit his girlfriend while living with me and, I call the police when then he decided to kidnap her drag her by her hair and kick her and took her to some friends house that stayes wright on my complex, where I live. I then called her mom and the police her mom and I where searching for her every where because I did not know where his friend lived at the time. The next day my son and his girlfriend showed up at my house and, my brother came over to my house when at tha time my brother and, my son got into and, altercation and, they fought to where my brother through them both out of my house leaving me with my grandaughter. with 3 days old...she's now going on 8 months. Department and children and family got involved and I was giving temporary custody of the baby, because ofher mother's living condicions, and, my son was teated for drugs an can not see his daughter until he get he's life in order, but he did not like that so he broke throw my livingroom window to try to steal his baby with abusive verbale threats.and in fear for my life and that of my grandaughter I called the police and hit in the closet in fear....He has pushed me before and janked the baby from my arms and broke sme things in the house and, again I had to call police when h then gave her back to me...The mother does not care about the baby never pickes her up, just dosen't cae and. my son is under the influence of drugs...To the point where I had to get a injuncion against my son and. nause now we have to go to court on june 30th 2010...I'm hurting really bad, because Iask myself everyday what happened to my little boy that use to play with his soltiers and,tell me mommy I love you.help

Jun 04, 2010
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Take a deep breath...!
by: Deb

It really helps to know that we are going through the same things with our kids. It is great to have a place to share the desperation, anger, fear, sadness, etc. I think the worst feeling in the world is longing to change something that we cannot. The Serenity Prayer works for me. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes it is all I have and the words become so meaningful when I apply them to my son. He has been on his own, homeless, supposedly not drinking or drugging (which is what he likes me to think) and currently sleeping in his girlfriend's car. How he manages to keep a job, I dont know. The fact that he is a waiter helps because the scheduling is so erratic. He is going to court next week to face assault charges on things he did in a blackout. He called to ask me to take him but he is fearful that he will be arrested and does not want me to see that. This tells me that somewhere within his psyche, he still loves me and cares how I feel. It is all I have of the boy he once was. Once I learned that my adult child is not, and can never be, the 7 year old kid who adored me and loved the world, it became easier to deal with who he is now. I had to mourn for the child and learn to let that go. Now is he a sick young man unwilling to get help and I have to let him move on with his life and the paths he chooses. I can no longer suffer for his sins. This is long hard road to venture on and most of the time all we have is ourselves, our memories, our love of them. Don't give up on your son, but don't be a victim either. Sometimes you need to step back, let them go, and take a deep breath. Then just hold it and wait for the relief that comes "from knowing the difference".

Jun 04, 2010
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Same situation
by: Anonymous

I too have a 23 year old son who lives in my home with me and my 9 year old son. My son also started drinking and doing drugs since he was 16 and was doing well but in the last 6 months he has started taking pills, cocaine, drinking and spiraling out of control. He has severe anger issues, doesn't know how to deal with his feelings and is constantly fighting. He has so many fines it isn't even funny. My son also told me that the only way I can get him out of my house is to have him evicted. I love him but I am afraid of him and I don't know how to help him. I keep telling him he needs to help himself and that I will be here for him if he gets help but if he continues with this behavior he must leave. I can not have his behavior around my other son. I don't want to see my son hurt himself or anyone else and I don't want to see him go to jail. Everday he is getting in serious trouble and I would like to save him before it's too late.
Has anyone found the answer to our problems is there anything we can do to save our children?

May 04, 2010
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Does it get better?
by: Deb

So just when I thought things were getting better...they turned. I wish I could just shut down my emotions. Now I am angry. I sat in court yesterday with my son on one side and my partner on the other. It never should have got this far. My son is still active and gets violent when he drinks. He blames everyone else for his problems. He refuses to admit he is wrong when he acts out. I thought a trip to court would be enough motivation to get help. Everyone advised us to go this route... consequences they said. Now my family is even more divided than before. I don't want to speak with either of them. All I wanted was for my son to get help.

Jan 10, 2010
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More of the same
by: Anonymous

My son has had a drug problem since he was about 15, a couple of years after his father committed suicide. In addition, he dropped out of college during his first semester, hooked up with a girl with a baby and a criminal record and then promptly got her pregnant. She has since been arrested again and is in prison where she may very well give birth. My son has verbally abused me, disrespected me and my home, destroyed the room and bath he had in my home, and continued doing and selling drugs. I kicked him out two weeks ago. He has no job and I gave him enough money to pay for two months rent. After that runs out...I have no idea what will happen to him.

I was both mother and father to him after his Dad died. I am a university professor and all of his life I taught him the value of education. He went to church most of his life. I guess what his father did probably started his destructive behavior. I took him to several therapists and because he did not want therapy, he snowed them and all they told me was how well adjusted he was. Baloney.

I love my son more than anything and my heart breaks every time I think of him (which is all the time). I wonder what I did wrong...what I could have done differently. It helps to hear that there are others out there experiencing the same thing. But it doesn't provide any answers. I pray we all get our sons back. I will never forget the sweet child he once was. God help us.

Jan 06, 2010
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Hang in there...
by: Deb

It is so sad that there are so many of us loving parents who are unable to help our kids stop their destructive behaviors. I realized last night that I just get so run down by my son and his actions that it is easier to give in at times and then suffer the consequences. I vowed I would try to do something different this year and keep putting the responsibility back at him. It has been tough but he has actually come back to say he is sorry now. I don't fall for his munipulations and call things as I see them...such as, I know you are drinking so No, you cannot use the car, or No, I will not allow your younger brother to go out with you. Why? Because I cannot trust your judgement anymore. Now leave it alone and I walk away. It does not always work and he whines or gets angry so I tell him to leave. There is nothing to stop me from worrying tho so all I can do is focus on watching tv, cooking or some other activity that keeps me busy. These are toxic kids that infect everyone around them with negativity. I guess I am rambling because I dont have any solutions or suggestions...just trying to respond in a different way is all.

Jan 06, 2010
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In the same boat
by: Anonymous

After reading all of your comments, there's really very little to add. You all clearly are going through what my family and I are facing now. I pray daily for my 22-year-old son, and I pray for the strength to back away from all the drama he causes. I love him more than life, but I can't stand to be around him. I believe my pockets could be turned inside out and my son would try to con me out of the lint. I've argued with my husband and repeatedly repaired damage to my home and cars because of my son. I've been stolen from me, lied to, embarrassed, and flat out disrespected more times than I care to acknowledge. He has a son whom he ignores, a long criminal record, an abusive personality, and he hasn't worked in years.

Dec 25, 2009
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I was and Iam
by: Social Contributor

Iam 40.I got into this habbit when I was 32. Past 8 years has been on and off. Habit forms when we repeat a pattern daily like brushing, eating and so drinking. One day when I wanted to drink my family told that they have made my favourite dish and requested me to have before I go out. I ate it and my stomach became very full and that day I was able to drink only two pegs. There I stuck my own formula. Whenever I want to pause it will be a struggle for 2-3 days. Since I drink only in the night those days i eat voluntarily full stomach. After 3 days of abstaining that becomes my habit and if somebody invites for a party I will hesitate but if i give up then to abstain it is a problem. Iam not sure how this will help you but just wanted to share my experience.

Nov 27, 2009
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Same problem
by:

My son is also 23, alcohol/drugs. Very angry, unproductive. We can't seem to get him out. The response is always the same:kick him out or charge him rent. The kid's a pro at saying ok, I'll do that and guess what he just doesn't pay. So what then, do I call the police to escort him out? That will really help: Where will they escort him... under a bridge? What can I do? If he ends up in jail, he'll have even more difficulty getting a job. I just don't know.

Nov 08, 2009
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Not alone
by: Deb

It is 11:34 pm and I sit here searching the internet for the magic answer on how to save my son. I found your story instead and know there are so many worried moms out there who are in as much pain as I am. My son has been drinking and drugging since 16 (he will be 22 next month). I had to tell him he was longer welcome in our home because he kept stealing money from everyone. He has an anger problem and my house is full of holes in the wall. His brother and sisters (all younger) are tired of his behavior and I keep taking him back in. He has been hospitalized several times, arrested and most recently attempted suicide in a drunken state. We found him and rescued him only to have to ask him to leave home a few weeks later because his behavior is so erractic. I am so worried about him and love him so much but he is so unwilling to do anything for himself. I want my son back. I miss him so much. I was asked if I felt I had done everything I could and honestly, the answer is yes. I cannot think of anymore that I have not tried. My son has to want sobriety and better life for himself. I cannot make it happen for him and neither can you. I do not know you but I know your pain. I could offer a hug and a prayer for all mothers who share our pain. I wish us all a safe return of the children we love.

Oct 18, 2009
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Me too
by: Anonymous

I too have a 23 year old son with the same destructive behavior only in addition to the alcohol there is meth amphetimines and drug dealing.

We've been on this path since he was about 14-15 with his stint in a 30 day alcohol rehab at 17 years of age.

He went to jail for petty larceny at the age of 19 but had been stealing cars for four years, taking them into the woods or other places and trashing them.

His dad had been a 20 year verteran of the local police force so for a time, the authorities tried not to get involved for his sake.

After jail he got more low key but I believe continued with much the same behavior.

Dropped out of highschool as soon as he could and had learning disabilities while he was there which I think contributed to his dropping out eventually.

He is also a pathological liar and I suspect a sociopath.

I'm beside myself to try to get him help before he destroys himself or someone else, but am at a loss as to what to do or how to proceed.

Not only do I feel for your situation but pray your son finds the will to live because it takes way more courage to face life then to drop out of it with drugs, alcohol and antisocial behavior.!

Hang in there, you are not alone.

Sep 12, 2009
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I'm in the same boat, going on 8 yrs. same age son
by: marianne

and mine has an anger problem, I'm so down I cannot gte myslef togther and I'm always afraid of what will happen next! I cannot take this anymore, I'll pray for you...and so sorry for the loss of your husband.
Blessings

Apr 10, 2009
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Your Story is Heartbreaking
by: C-P

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It really is heartbreaking. It sounds like you've done everything you can.

And I think you're also doing the right thing by having kicked your son out of the house so that he has to face the consequences of his drinking - and doesn't have you to bail him out anymore.

At a certain point when everything else has failed, no matter how much we love someone, tough love is the only approach left to use.

Now it's a matter of praying that something inside of your son's head clicks and he WANTS to change, get help and get better etc.

Because until that happens nothing else will work. It's up to him now.

With everything that has happened to you - I think you should now focus on healing yourself, and in doing that, know that everything will ultimately turn out as its meant to.

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