My Boyfriend and Alcohol: My Heart Is Saying Don't Leave Him, But My Head Is Saying It Will Never Change.

I'm 21 and my Boyfriend of just over a year is 33. He is an alcoholic. There is a big underlying issue: his dad died when he was 12 and his mum died recently. His drinking has been an issue since the beginning, but as time went on I was starting to think he had a hold on it, and was able to control it.

We are constantly arguing about it when he's drunk, and even argue when he's sober and the anxiety is growing worse.

When he's not drinking he's the best man in the world, he makes me laugh and im so proud of him. When he's drinking I detest him! I can't be around him and he makes me anxious and angry! I can't but help get wound up and upset on a regular basis.

The worst part of all is that I have been through so many different stages with him to try and reduce this. He used to drink on a day to day basis, when he finished work to when he was eventually chucked out of the pub.

- I tried only taking him into the pub a few days
- Reducing his intake to 2/3 pints
- Leaving him to drink and i'd wait at home (trying to build trust)
- Buying cans of beer so that he wouldn't have to go out to the pub and I could keep an eye on it
- Only giving him so much money
- Asking him to be back for a certain time...

All I get is excuses and lies. I know he has been through a lot but I really don't know where else to go with this.

It's driving me insane!! He hasn't drank for 2 weeks and he keeps thinking he deserves a drink as he's been working all week. How to convince an alcoholic they don't NEED drink???? Tonight I had to meet someone and thought ok maybe he's sorted it out? I took him and said please don't have more than 5! He came up to the house drunk again! and said "I'm not being abusive though am i?" "I havent done anything wrong though have I"

ITS NOT THE POINT!! ITS THAT HE PROMISED ME!!! AND HES BROKEN IT AGAIN!! (Sorry about the CAPS but its driving me crazy)

Anyone's advice will be very much appreciated. Thanks. Danielle

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Danielle

It's not that your boyfriend will never change. Maybe he will at some point, but the thing is you don't when that may/may not happen - and if it does it will only do so because he wants it to and is prepared to put in the work to make it happen.

You can't negotiate with alcoholism. Alcoholics can't drink in moderation or control their drinking - that's why they are alcoholics. So trying to convince your boyfriend to try and do that, or that it's okay to even try, is just wasting your time.

Your bofriend has to commit to a life of sobriety, and make all the necessary changes that encompass dealing with his mental, emotional and behavioural 'issues' in order to make it happen. That takes work and commitment. Plus it then requires committing to a whole new way of life, so only the really determined manage it.

That's why most alcoholics tend to go down the road of going through an intensive treatment program, followed by an ongoing commitment to a lifestyle of recovery from their addiction if they're serious about turning their life around.

So you need to stop negotiating with your boyfriend, and stop allowing him to negotiate with himself, around his drinking. There can be no grey areas. It's either he quits drinking and commits to a new way of life, with the appropriate professional help ... or you have to question whether your relationship has a future.

Because if you don't - things are just going to continue as they are, and is that what you really want? Only you can answer that question so you have some serious thinking to do.

Good Luck with whatever you decide

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