My Boyfriend is a Drunk and I’m Sick of It! What Can I Do?

by Belinda
(SA)

My boyfriend continuously promises he’ll stop drinking, but never does. And I’m getting sick of being with someone who is drunk more than they are sober. This leads to us fighting a lot and me screaming and pleading that he stops because he’s killing himself and ruining our relationship. He promises he will, but of course never does, and so the vicious cycle continues.

I’m out of ideas as to what/if anything I can do about the situation. I’m not sure he realises how bad things are and how he’s hurting me. Maybe he does and just doesn’t care? His drinking and our relationship have gotten progressively worse since we’ve been together, and the dreams I had of getting married and starting a family seem so far away now. I’m so stupid, my family and friends warned me about him, but I wouldn’t listen.

He can be such an amazing guy when he’s sober, but that’s so rare these days. I still hope he’ll change, but am starting to wonder if he ever will? Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m doing something wrong. What should I do?

Belinda?

Answer

Hi Belinda

The first thing to do is not blame yourself or feel you are to blame in any way. From what you say, your boyfriend is an alcoholic (for more info on that spend time in the alcoholism symptoms area) - which is now widely accepted as a disease, and that is not something you are responsible for - or can control in any way.

Ultimately the only way your boyfriend is going to overcome his alcoholism, is for him to admit to his problem, and to take responsibility for doing what is necessary to recover from it successfully. The difficulty with that, is that many people who suffer from addiction are in denial about their problem – and so refuse to acknowledge it and get the necessary help they need to overcome it.

If that’s the case with your boyfriend, you have the option of attempting an intervention. The idea behind doing an intervention is help your boyfriend break through his denial so that he’ll agree to get help. To do one properly and give yourself the best chance of success, it’s best to get a professional intervention specialist to help you with it.

There is unfortunately no guarantee that any of that will work. Some people go onto recover from their addictions – and others don’t. I think those that do, eventually do so simply because they’re the ones that want to and so put in the necessary effort to achieve lasting sobriety. What eventually triggers that is almost impossible to say because it’s different for everyone.

If you feel you you’ve tried everything, you may eventually have to give your boyfriend the choice: You - or the alcohol. Understand that because of his addiction he is likely to choose the alcohol, but I know that for some it provides them with the motivation to get sober and change their lives.

Try get yourself to an Al Anon meeting in your area as well. There you will meet others going through what you are, which will help you make sense of and deal with what you’re going through.

You are powerless to control your boyfriend’s alcoholism. At some point you will need to decide what is best for YOU. And only you can answer that question. I hope it all works out as you hope, but realise that even if it doesn’t, things always tend to work out as they’re meant to.

Be strong and take care

+1 Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com