My Boyfriend of 4yrs who is a Crack Addict Decided He Needed to Get Away from Me. Why? What is he really doing? Should I even care?

by tiacynthia
(ventura, ca)

I was with my boyfriend for 4yrs and the first 2yrs were good. He struggled with his addiction but there was still a willingness and desire to want to change. He showed his love for me and took actions to try to show me he wanted to be with me.

He continually told me he loved me and that if and when he wanted to get married it would be to me. Within the last year and half something changed and he has gone off the deep end, doing drugs, sleeping with random chicks, lying to me but always coming back saying he is sorry and does love me.

He is 38yrs old and has been doing drugs since he was 14. This last year he has treated me with hatred, blame, emotional abuse and it even got to points of some physical abuse. He has decided I make him sick and has gone back to hanging out with his 25yr old friends and drug dealer. I have not heard from him in over two weeks and think he is dating someone else.

Throughout our relationship I took care of him during 3 major back surgeries, I was the only one in his life that believed him and now he wants nothing to do with me. He has blocked me from his email, phone and facebook. Really? Why is he the one who is able to just forget me and not me him?

Answer

Hi Tiacynthia

You need to understand that addiction is a crazy, irrational disease that leads to people doing crazy, irrational and destructive things that make no sense whatsoever. So don't beat yourself up about trying to figure out what you've done wrong or why your boyfriend is behaving in the way he is. Unfortunately it comes with the territory when you're in a relationship with an addict.

My big question to you is however - why on earth would you want to commit to someone and be in a relationship with them, when you will always be number two to their drugs, and especially when they start treating you badly as you boyfriend started doing this past year? What do you get out of that apart from a lot of pain, suffering and disappointment?

It sounds like you're a codependent which basically means you suffer from a type of relationship addiction in that you tend to form relationships that are destructive and unhealthy. I think you need to learn how to form happy and loving relationships (which is ultimately impossible to do with an addict) and there is an organisation called CoDA (coda.org) that can help you do that.

Because unless you deal with the underlying issues that result in you ending up in destructive relationships like you've just been in, the cycle is just going to repeat itself and you're never going to be able to experience a properly loving and healthy relationship with someone.

So as much as this hurts, use what's happened now with your boyfriend as motivation to start making some changes in your life, that will allow you to find someone who loves and appreciates you in a relationship based on trust and mutual-respect. Because those qualities are simply impossible to develop with someone suffering from an addiction.

Best of luck to you and let us know how you get on.

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