My Boyfriend Sells Drugs and is a Cocaine Addict. I Told His Family. Was That The Rght Thing To Do?

I love my boyfriend, but he has lied to me, disappointed me and hurt me. I believed all the lies, but started questioning them. He did tell me that he was dealing drugs in addition to running his company to make ends meet.

I did everything for him, helped promote his business, take care of his child from a previous relationship, and loved him through all the lies.
I know he lied because he wanted to impress me, and he has a heart of gold.

I never liked his friends, and I never agreed with his lifestyle. I told him that I would support the drug selling provided he was saving the money to invest or put into savings. And only for this year, and that he should look for other work since his business is failing. I helped him apply to jobs and I helped him promote his business.

He has missed important dates with me, and he always feels bad. I didn't realize he had a problem until recently. He missed an important night again, so I told him I couldn't do this anymore. That I loved him, but I had choices, and this wasn't the way I wanted to live my life. He cried and said he understood, and then ignored my calls for the next 24 hours.

When I finally got a hold of him, he had spent the entire time in a hotel doing incredible amounts of cocaine. I spent the day with him, but called his parents to express my concerns. In addition, I asked his parents whether it was true that he was a product of an extramarital affair (which I never believed because he didn't look like the mix he proclaimed to be). His mother cried and told me that wasn't true.

She asked for my advice, and I told her she needed to stop enabling him.(Apparently this is not the first time she has been through this).

In a nutshell, my boyfriend called me furious that his parents were finally kicking him out, and that I had upset his parents, and due to my phone call, I could possibly give his mother a heart attack. He said he didn't blame me, and he understands why I did it, but now he was worried about being homeless.

I feel absolutely sick, maybe I should have just left him, without telling his parents. Maybe he was correct, I shouldn't have meddled. I do love him, despite this, and no I don't want to be back with him, unless of course he goes through counselling and gets better - which statistically doesn't work that well on demand, it has to be voluntary.

I am upset with myself and don't know if I did the right thing. I feel responsible now if he ends up living on the street. Did I do the right thing?

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Answer

Yes you did. Your boyfriend living a comfy life - staying with his parents, taking and dealing drugs - does nothing to teach him anything about living a life of responsibility and integrity. And as long as he's comfortable and knows he's always got a roof over his head and can go running to his parents if things get tough - there is absolutely no motivation for him to overcome his drug addiction and turn his life around.

And parents have the right to know if their children are using and dealing drugs, especially if they're living at home. Wouldn't you want to know if your child was using drugs and struggling with an addiction? Your boyfriend needs to start experiencing the consequences of his undesirable choices - because that's the only way that he's going to get motivated to turn his life around.

He needs help and now is a good time for him to get it. Suggest he get proper treatment for his addiction, because if he doesn't do it now, when will he? It usually takes things getting bad enough and hitting an emotional bottom before an addict is ready to change, so hopefully his getting kicked out of home helps him reach that point.

Really showing love for someone is being prepared to speak out and be honest when you know they're engaging in behavior that is unhealthy and bad for them. Addiction thrives in secrecy because loved one's and family members are usually too ashamed or afraid to speak out about it - so by being honest about what's going on, you actually end up helping the person because they can no longer hide from the truth.

You've done the right thing so don't beat yourself up about it. But standing by someone whom you know is dealing drugs is in my books never okay, because its one thing destroying yourself, but doing it to others is definitely not. Don't let yourself willingly be a part of that again, because that's about the worst form of enablement you can get.

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