My Boyfriend the Father of my Son is an Alcoholic but Doesn't Think He is. Do I Quit With Him and be a Single Mum?

I am with my boyfriend 3 and a half years and when we met it was great, we partied all the time together and moved in together after 2 months. Things were going great but we were drunk or stoned most the time.

He has a son from when he was young who he has no contact with and a daughter from a previous relationship whom he does see and pay for. I get on great with her. She is 7 and a half now. He proposed after a year and we set a date.

Then he lost his job and still drank and smoked away and the pressure of having a wedding, no money and him eventually losing contact with his daughter for a few months, sent him over the edge and he gave me a beating one drunken night. He was a bit violent up to that night.

Realising what he had done and the fact that he had lost me as well, he went into treatment for 3 months to stop smoking cannabis and drinking. In that time I was loyal and waited on him despite my family and friends telling me to walk away. I stopped the smoking and drinking when he was gone.

Since he came out of treatment I think he has managed to stay off the cannabis, I did catch him one time with a bit once but he swears it was just a one off. He has been drinking all along, not to the extent of a bottle of whiskey a day or anything but needs his few cans at weekends and occasions. He had changed his violent ways and the cannabis so I believed he could still knock the drinking on the head.

I fell pregnant and when Jamie arrived, me being a woman grew up if you like, I wanted the drinking to stop especially in the house. Feel like a broken record most the time and the last few months he has curtailed it to a few (he says 6 but in fact it was 9 or 10) every Friday night.

He still would try to get round me to get a few on Sat or even Sun. Lets just say if I ever wanted a drink he would only be too happy to drink with me. I have kicked him out numerous times but I think I'm addicted to him, I had made up my mind this time but after less than a week I'm weakening and I just don't know what to do?

Do I let him back in and let him drink here on a fri night, do I drink with him or do I do the hard thing and try my best to quit him? Won't be easy as I'm working full time and have a mortgage and a ten month old baby. He doesn't earn a lot. Any advice?

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Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Do you see what you're doing? You keep on shifting the goal posts to try and accommodate your boyfriend and his alcoholism, when he's the one that should be making more of a concerted effort to actually change his ways. Why?

You hit the nail on the head when you said you're addicted to your boyfriend - because despite all the evidence clearly showing you that your relationship isn't a healthy one, you make excuses for him and try justify his behavior. And there's a word for what essentially amounts to relationship addiction - it's called codependency.

So you're faced with a choice. Acknowledge your codependency and look to get help for it through going for therapy and working with groups like CoDA (coda.org), so that you can start making healthier choices when it comes to your relationship. Or know that if you do nothing, nothing is likely to change, and in time things will probably just keep getting worse.

You've also got a child to consider now so you have to do everything you can to bring your son up in a happy, healthy and harmonious environment. So you really have to think bigger picture here because it's not only about your needs anymore.

No one can force your boyfriend to change and if it's apparent that he's not really serious about doing something about his alcoholism, then you really need to be honest with yourself about whether a future together will be good for you and your son.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

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