My Brother's Drug Addiction - and How it Affected Me ...

by Anonymous
(Victoria)

Since I was 1 year old my brother has been a drug addict. He was 15 when he started and now I am 15. I don't remember a lot, some say because I was young, but a lot of the psychologists that have helped me through the years since then believe I have just repressed it - and I believe that. (I remember a bit but the worst that I've been hearing now I don't).

This all started on marijuana and turned to harder stuff, I'm guessing things like ecstasy and speed. The oldest memory I have is when my mum told me that her friend came over to visit. She knocked on the door but heard screaming. The 1st type was someone yelling at the person and the other was someone screaming out it pain.
So she walked in to see my brother hitting and pushing my mum around: by the neck, ear, hair etc. ... basically whatever he could grab onto.

She was so terrified and thought immediately I have to get the kids out. So she searched for us to find my older sister, my other brother and me huddled together under a bed. She has never returned to our house.

The next memory is when I woke up and went into the kitchen. My mum was simply trying to get her breakfast. "You want your breakfast? HERE HAVE YOUR FUCKING NUTRIGRAIN AND BANANA!" and he threw it onto the floor. The cereal was everywhere and the container broke. "Go on clean it up ... get on your hands and knees and clean. it. UP!" And she did. I still to this day remember that morning as clear as anything. He then saw me just standing there staring (not completely understanding) and then walked out the door.

I never helped my mum or any of them, I didn't understand what was happening and I only found out when I remember any of this and it was when I was 12. I'd like to use the excuse I was only 3 years old or something, for not helping them but I can't, I feel horrible doing so.

My mum got a restraining order against him. If he breached we just had to call the police and he'd be taken to jail. My mum however couldn't bare to lock him away so she put up with it. I thought he was put in jail, about 2 days ago I learnt that he just literally couldn't come back.

We thought it was all over. 2 years ago he opened a tattoo shop. I won't say who it was but a group of people told him to use ice and gave it to him. He took it. I simply didn't want to know any of this but I caught up on a few conversations so here's a summary: gambling addiction, used anybody and everybody's money, lost a LOT of weight and finally got clean. We couldn't get him into rehab though. I'm not sure of the specifics but he was clean. I won't trust that he won't go onto anything again.

Because of all this, I have mild rage issues and am continually seeking help for it and suffer from bed wetting, still. My mum said I have something like battered wife syndrome. In all my friendships I look for people like my brother (subconsciously) because I want to help them, I want to feel like I can do it right.

I am constantly living in fear that my other brother will go down the same path or 1 of my friends will die as he has started this path. I was miserable all through primary school and invented reasons why I was like that, then I remembered. I haven't been able to forget about it yet and I don't think I ever will but I am on the path to moving on, I have to.

I wish no one has to see what I have seen, felt and lived through, and I'm still only 15.