My Dad's Alcoholism Has Ruined Our Family

by K
(Utah, )

Where do I start. My name is K, I am 15 years old. I'm a sophomore in high school. My dad is an alcoholic. It started when I was ending 1st grade and going into 2nd. My dad had been into drinking before I was born, my mom had 3 boys, she took them to a home to get away from his abuse.

Well, she forgave him and went back. Then one of my brothers died. He was 3 years old. He died in my parent's arms. My dad stopped after that. About 10 years later, they decided to have more children. My parents had both been married before, my mom had one child and my dad had three. Together they had five. Nine kids all together well, eight since my brother is now deceased.

They had two more kids, both girls. My sister is now 18. He stayed sober until I was in 2nd grade, like I said before. I was always daddy's little girl. I went everywhere with my father, he was my best friend. At first, it was just my two brothers, my sister, and I who lived at home. He would only get drunk a few times a month then. My mother would just leave us home, and get out of there, because my father would never do anything to us. That lasted about a year and a half.

Then, he started abusing my brothers. I was the only one who could stop him. I had some sort of hold against him. I loved him so much. When he started abusing my sister, she told me one night that she hated him. I couldn't grasp what she was talking about and I told myself that I love him. And I always will love him.

By the time I was ten, he started abusing me, I had watched my family go through this, but it was so much different when it was happening to me. I cried myself to sleep every single night. Wishing he would get better. Things got worse and worse, now, he is drunk 24/7. I told myself that I wouldn't ever stop loving him. And deep down inside, I know that's true. He's still my father, and I still love him. But he's not the same person. I have no idea who he is.

Last May, I was diagnosed with depression. It was really hard for me. My mom was so worried about me. I didn't eat, go to school, or talk to anybody. I slept all day long. My dad is ... Sick. I know he is, but I still cry myself to sleep every single night. It's killing my mom because I can't get out of my depression no matter how hard I try.

I'm not as bad now, but I'm not good either. I don't know what to do about me, or my father. I seem to have hit a brick wall. My sister and I are the only ones who live at home, and just when I think things can't get any worse, they do.

Does anybody have any advice at all for me?