My Daughter is Recovering from Crystal Meth Addiction. What's the Rule w.r.t her Being in a Relationship?

My Daughter has used for a year, but has tried to stay clean. She has relapsed a couple of times that I know of, one time being a 2 1/2 month run. She has a boyfriend that stood behind her for a while, but then eventually, when she confessed to him that she had used that 2 1/2 month time, he kicked her out of the apartment they shared.

She came back to live with me, which is fine with me. But then they end up seeing each other again and then break up again. This has happened more than once or twice even. She hasn't really tried getting into meetings. She's only been to about three since she went the first time in the past couple of months.

She neglects her dog, who has been very sick, and I've had to take that responsibility for the dogs sake. She keeps going over to the x-boyfriend's new apartment that he now shares with another couple, but they are not nice to my daughter because of her addiction.

I feel this x-boyfriend of hers is not very supportive. If he really cares about her, he should encourage her to get to meetings and be responsible for caring for her dog. But she spends a lot of time with him, when he seems to want her around. I think her recovery is compromised because of the emotional situation of their relationship.

I worry about her all the time for relapses. She also has lots of bills to catch up on, but is not spending the time getting on track with them. He knows this also. I feel he is very selfish in her recovery because he is only thinking of what he wants for himself. I think he's also controlling.

I was told that people in recovery are really not supposed to be in relationships because they need to focus more on their recovery. I feel the x-boyfriend is messing with her emotions. She gets real depressed when things are not going well with him.

She is supposed to be on antidepressants, but doesn't always remember to take them. I have to constantly remind her. Even though her Dr. and counselor tells her she can't take them at random. Is there any truth to the question of relationships or comments to that and/or in my daughters case with her relationship? I'm very worried about her and need to know how to handle this also. Thanks.

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Answer

The general rule of thumb is that someone in recovery from addiction should wait a year before getting into a relationship - because it is essential that they focus and commit themselves to their recovery without the distractions and complications a relationship brings.

So it's not surprising your daughter has relapsed because she's obviously not working at her recovery as she should - evidenced by the fact she's hardly gone to any meetings - and all this stuff going on with her ex obviously doesn't help.

But blaming him either is also not helpful. Her life and the choices she makes are entirely her responsibility. She knows what she should be doing, but chooses instead to let herself get distracted by her ex - that's her fault, not his.

One of the core principles of drug addiction recovery is 'People, Places and Things' ... i.e. staying away from all associations that played a part in your life of addiction. Whether that is in fact true of her ex I don't know - but the point is she can't expect to turn her life around if she's not prepared to make the effort and apply the basic fundamental principles required to stay clean.

Addiction Uncovered goes into the detail and nuts and bolts of what it takes to get clean and stay clean, so if you think that kind of info could help your daughter, feel free to check it out.

So whether or not your daughter's ex is being as supportive as he could isn't the real issue here - it's about her taking ownership of her life and doing what she needs to do to recovery successfully. And if that includes letting go of unhealthy relationships, then that's what she needs to do.

Hope that helps. Good Luck.

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