My Daughter's Drug Addicted Boyfriend Stole From Us and Wants To Come Live In Our Home Now That He's Out of Rehab. What do we do?
(Louisiana)
My daughter's boyfriend stole a brand new 50" plasma tv (that we're still responsible for paying.) Even though he gave us $500 (that he acquired either by selling our tv in addition to a laptop, initially purchased by my daughter, for me.
I had gone out of state to assist in caring for my mother who had broken her hip. I was there for 3 weeks. My husband had driven me there and returned home due to his job. My husband had saved 2 vacation days to use for the trip in bringing me home. He had been there 1 day and we got the phone call from our youngest son that the television had been stolen during the night. We instructed him to call the police.
Because the boyfriend wasn't living here and claimed to be somewhere else when the theft occurred, we didn't know who it might have been. He was indignant we would even consider him capable of such a thing! He insulted our intelligence by claiming he had found a tv coincidentally fitting the exact dimensions as our tv on the side of the road. His truck had broken down and ultimately ended being impounded. I pretended to want to help him out and found out the name of the towing company.
My husband called and was told by the tow-truck driver he had witnessed the boyfriend removing a tv of the same description as ours from the back of his truck. Two or three days go by.
We told the boyfriend we wouldn't press charges if he turned himself in and sought help for his drug addiction. He claims not to remember taking our television. His stories have changed several times as to the reason it happened, which, is irrelevant to us.
He hasn't finished the rehab program he's in, but has been there for about 40 days. He is attempting to acquire a certificate of completion from the facility and says he "can't get one unless he's got somewhere to live". I honestly don't believe that, but the problem is, he is trying every way he can to come back to OUR home.
Our daughter is begging and crying and attempting to make us feel guilty that we don't want him here. I'm angry about all of it. None of us want him here. Our daughter is begging us to allow him to come here for a few weeks until she can get enough money together for an apartment. I'm afraid weeks would turn into one excuse after another about why he can't leave and result in him NEVER leaving here or a repeat of the theft or both.
He wasn't living here when this happened and his own family doesn't want him at their homes either. It's time our daughter move out and we've told her that. This boy's mother keeps telling him to pray about it and God will help him. My daughter is working every available minute to pay the remainder of his bail and to provide him money for food and cigarettes. I don't honestly ever seeing that him changing. She will always be paying for him in one way or another.
I feel it's unfair and selfish of both of them to expect us to "forgive and forget". I don't trust him and I feel he's using my daughter on several levels. I feel like he's further victimizing us by trying to use us for a place to stay.
Any discussion on entering into a half-way house or similar accommodation results in "I'm not going to or need anymore treatment centers" to just being completely obstinate and flat-out refusing any suggestions of alternative living arrangements.
Today, I suggested he try to look on the internet for some kind of assistance. He claims he'd have to go to the library. So she told him he should go there and try. 4 hours later and he says he never made it to the library and got lost for 2 hours on the bus ride. Sorry, but I just believe he couldn't tell the truth if it was to save his life.
I also find it odd that he was able to get the 4 hour pass to the library on such short notice. This disbelief is due to the fact that our daughter has been begging and pleading for us to allow her to make the 4 hour trip to the facility he's at for their one year "anniversary".
Suddenly after planning this trip for over 2 weeks, he informs her first thing this morning, that passes aren't given through the week and they must be requested "the week of" in order to be granted. True enough, it may be different for an overnight pass (24 hour) but I find it odd that it's no problem to get an overnight pass for the weekend. I would think the weekend would be more dangerous for someone with a drug addiction to be "out" than through the week. He was more concerned with when she was sending more money.
After all said and done and paying for his crap out of her paycheck of $500 for 2 weeks of work, She may be lucky to have $100 to last til next payday. I refuse to give her our money when she is wasting her own this way.
I wish my daughter could see him for the lying, manipulating person he is. I know he has smoked the synthetic marijuana when he was allowed out on pass during the Thanksgiving holidays. To me, that shows he hasn't changed at all and rehab was unsuccessful.
The point was lost on my daughter that it's irrelevant it doesn't show up on the drug screen, but rather he's still finding a way to get high while claiming to want rehabilitation. I can't imagine why I'm so inflexible and unwilling to allow this person another chance, can you?
Pointing out his lies or appealing to logic in regard to the things he says just doesn't seem to have the desired result. What am I doing wrong or what can I say in a way that gets through? She thinks they are going to get married. UGH. Please help.
Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer
Unfortunately your daughter is going to have to learn her lessons herself - the hard way. Because the more you convince her this guy isn't good for her, the more determined she'll become to prove you wrong.
But in the interim there is absolutely no way you should be allowing him to come and live with you. And don't let your daughter or anyone manipulate you into feeling guilty about your decision. Your home is your place of sanctity and why should you let anyone, even more so a 'stranger' who has previously stolen from you, be a part of that?
You've called it absolutely correctly - a couple of weeks will more than likely turn into months, and there is no telling what may 'disappear' should you let him back into your home.
The fact that he was smoking synthetic marijuana and couldn't be bothered researching half-way houses means he's clearly not serious about turning his life around. It sounds like he could actually do with extending his stay in rehab, so a certificate of completion may not be the best thing for him right now in any event.
The bottom line is, that he isn't your responsibility. He's responsible for accepting the consequences that have come with choosing a life of drug addiction - and it's up to him to get himself on his own two feet again.
Your daughter is unfortunately blind to everything because she no doubt 'loves' him, and so simply doesn't see how toxic he is for her. But given time that will hopefully change, and so you're simply going to have to let her learn this for herself.
So you just need to remain firm and make it clear to your daughter that under no circumstances will he be living in your home - and that she will have to arrange separate accommodation for them if he needs somewhere to stay.
It's never easy watching a child make poor choices, but realistically there isn't a lot you can say that will make her think differently. She needs to learn her own lessons, and hopefully one day she'll be a better person for having done so.
All the Best
