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My Drug Addicted Son Wants to Come Home to Live, Should I Let Him?

(Erie PA)

He has been in some drug rehab, but has not gone away for treatment. He has stolen from us and his sister. My daughter wants to call the police about him breaking in her house, but is unsure if she should.

He wants to leave his girlfriend where he was living to come home and live with my wife and I, but I do not trust him. His girlfriend has gotten him back on drugs as she was a recovering cocaine head. My son is on heroin, and has been going to an out patient doctor, taking a supplemental drug so he won't use heroin.

He started using a few years ago in college as a "recreational" drug, but it is now taking over his life, and ruining his family. With the Holidays coming, I feel everyone in the family should be aware of his addiction, so they are prepared to "watch" him should he stop at their home over the Holidays. I hate to tell everyone, but I feel it is the responsible thing to do.

Answer

Unless you know your son is clean and working a drug addiction recovery program then letting him come and live with you again is looking for trouble. As the saying goes, 'if nothing changes, nothing changes' - and with your son still being in active addiction, all his destructive behavior will continue, despite what promises otherwise he makes.

So until your son embraces a life of recovery and commits to doing everything he can to turning his life around, things aren't going to get better for him. And until he does reach the point where he is clean and living the life of recovery, it would be extremely risky for you let him come and live at home again.

As much as they say and want to believe otherwise - heroin addicts can't help but steal, lie and manipulate. It's simply part of their addiction, and that's what you risk letting back into your house. It's not because they're inherently bad people, its simply a symptom of their addiction.

And yes, you should let the rest of the family know what's going on. Addiction thrives in the secrecy and shame most people carry about it. But the only way to deal with it is to confront it head on with absolute honesty and fearlessness. By bringing it to light and making sure you and the rest of your family hold your son accountable for his choices, he begins to experience the full consequences of those choices, and is more likely then eventually to want to do something about his drug addiction. That's why your daughter shouldn't hesitate to call the police if he has stolen from her - he needs to be held accountable, otherwise he will never learn from the poor decisions he makes.

No one can tell you what to do - and if you did let your son come and live at home again it would have to be with very clear boundaries and an understanding that if he doesn't stay clean and live within those boundaries, you would kick him out straight away again.

It's a tough call to make but good luck with whatever you decide.

Comments for My Drug Addicted Son Wants to Come Home to Live, Should I Let Him?

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Sep 26, 2016
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pain NEW
by: Anonymous

does the pain you feel ever go away. my son has been on drugs and in turmoil since he was 14. he came from a loving family and you could not ask for a sweeter child but he became very popular and partied hard and one drug led to another and now he is addicted to crack cocaine.he is 30 now. I thought it would be over by now but I don't think it ever will. He has been in treatment many times but always seem to relapse each time he starts off with nothing and expect me to sort out all his problems. He has been sober for 2 months and is living with a girl who he says is terrible to live with and wants to come home to live until he can get into a sober house. But my husband said no way. I am glad he said no I find it hard to say no but my son makes me feel so nervous. I love and worry about him but the times we let him back home was hell. Then when we had to tell him to leave it was even harder. I try not to think of it but sometimes I think of the few good time and all I wished for him and the tears just fall.

Feb 26, 2014
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My boyfriend heroin nephew NEW
by: Anonymous

Recently, my boyfriend told me that his nephew overdosed on heroin and was hospitalized. His nephew is currently living with both his parents in different state (both financial stable and healthy people). He told me that his nephew was in treatment at the hospital and after this he would be going to a five week treatment center. Not only did my boyfriend sister asked him to have his nephew move in with us but his nephew has decided not to continue with his stay at the treatment center. I am very uncomfortable with the idea of his nephew living with us. I have voiced my concern with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is convinced that he can help his nephew, even though he has not done any research about this substance. We both do not have any children of our own or any previous experience with any drugs plus his nephew is over the age of 20. Am I being inconsiderate in not wanting his nephew to live with us? My boyfriend and I are engaged and planning a wedding.

Oct 08, 2012
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I don't want her home
by: Anonymous

My daughter 21 just completed a 68 day rcovery program. When she went in I told her she couldn't come home. When released another addicts mom let her go to their home which is 4 hours away. Now after 2 weeks she wants to come home attend meetings look for a job etc. BUT this would be about the 4th time in 2 years. I want her to get into a soberhouse for at least 1 year and if she has to live in a homelss shelter until she can get into one oh well! But I feel like a horrible mother. It's been wonderful and peaceful. I just need the strength to tell her no.

May 17, 2012
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I do let my son live with me
by: Bluemoon7

My son has lived with me for the last four years and is a heroin IV user. He works 6 days a week, does not steal from me and is a sweet, sweet person. Arrested once and went through court ordered rehab. Two other rehabs, NA etc. We even sent him to a rehab in Thailand. Suboxone, Subutex on/off. As anyone that is involved with a heroin addict knows, they will struggle for the rest of their lives with this horrible drug. My father, 2 sisters and a nephew are all addicted to opiates in one form or another. We are a good middle class family, all educated and live in nice homes, but what ugly secrets behind our doors! My son also started from a Dr's prescription that just kept giving and giving. This is madness that Dr's created. I will not let my son die on the streets, because I truly believe he will die from this. I have seen people addicted to alcohol, coke, meth, prescriptions, cigarettes, but there is nothing like heroin. We talk openly about his addiction, we have not closed down our communication with lies and accusations. What peace I found in acceptance. I used to throw up and cry, beg and plead, but it only made us all feel worse. I get to hug him each day and tell him I love him. Rock Bottom=Death for a heroin addict, just my opinion. This is how I decided to deal with this and while I hate heroin, I don't hate my son. Has my enabling kept him in the depths of addiction? I won't ever know, because I never will put him out. I have lost a lot of friends and family over this decision, but I am a mother first and I will take everyday I can, a day alive is another chance to beat this. I would rather spend time with my son than most of those people anyway! When my attitude toward his demise changed, so did our relationship. To be able to openly talk about his addiction and to be able to talk to him about future plans and ways he might work on getting better is priceless. He is 30 yrs old. When the fighting and accusing stopped, communication went to an all time high. I know he is different in the fact that he is not stealing or angry or ugly to me, but an addict he is. The rehabs are just bullshit and all those people have treated us horrible and charged outrageous amounts of money. Just think if they all got better they would be out of jobs. Sorry,$30,000 for a month and oh well if they don't make it. They put demands on addicts that are so unreasonable and often they are treated like scum. So I will do this our way and hope that time will give us the answers. Yes I know he is using in the next room, and often I cry, but until we can find a better way to treat this, I will keep him alive. Just like waiting long enough for a cure for cancer, I hope they can find something better to help our heroin addicted children. God Bless you all.

Apr 08, 2012
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When your drug addicted son wants to come back for the fourth time after two rehabs what do you do?
by: Anonymous

How can you know when he has been clean and is trying to go to NA. It's been a month lives around all his friends and makes excuse about tiring to find a job. He threatens to go back to drugs and kill hImself. When can you ever be sure?

Mar 24, 2012
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DO NOT DO IT !!!!!!
by: Big Boot Time

I have been an addict and I have dealt with addicts. Do not let any one that is a user in your house to destroy what you have worked for. Those smooth talking, crocodile teared, "repentative liars will tear your heart out and sell it for drugs of any kind. They will go tell other drugies to rip off your house so they can get a split of your goods. They will ransack your house when your not home. They will empty your change jars, take family heir looms, tools, and any other good that they can get their hands on and cry and tell you they didn't mean it and are "sorry, the drugs made me do it, please give me one more chance". They only reason they want another chance is that they missed something and they want to steal it. The only way for them to change is for them to turn their life over to God. Not some "higher power" because the "higher power" thing is denial of God and of true repentance which they have to atone for. Do not give in. Protect your life, your marriage, your other childern, your time, your money, your house, your reputation and everything else you can think of. They make the choice by rationalization and they will lie to you every time. Let them come to you after they have changed their life, don't go to them. If they die it is them not you that was their reason for their death. Life is full of choices, we are responsible for our selves once we become adults. Raise your children the best you can but good home or bad we all make our own choices in life. Don't do it !!!!!!!!!!!

Mar 06, 2012
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Don't Enable Them
by: HOPE

Allowing an addicted family member to return home and who is obviously still on drugs is a big mistake! My step daughter wants to return home and live with her mother and I. We both have gone through the incarcerations, taking her by the hand to 40 NA meetings, Sunday Mass, looking for work etc. It seemed like it was working right up to the point when we cleaned up all of her legal troubles.
After having a nice Easter Sunday Meal (2010) we were talking about continued NA meetings, and her looking for work, when she said she was leaving and going back to live with the old man (ENABLER)
We let her return home a couple of times after that only to watch her self destruct by moving back and forth through all of the dirt bags in her life. We have let her know that she can not live with us until she gets the help she needs and to work on getting her life back on track, which means without our help!! She knows we love her and we will not let her manipulate our feeling anymore.

God Bless

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