My Fiancé and Her Drinking Problem: How Do I Reason with Her So She'll Wake Up to What's She's Doing?

OK so my fiancé is in the matrix with her drinking issues.

She is stuck on an absurd point of view and I'm trying to be reasonable and not too aggressive in explaining to her the absolute ridiculousness of this track of thinking.

She says that "Drinking in and of itself is NOT the issue so she should be able to continue to drink with no problem! It's only the drinking in "moderation" that's the issue and what she must only focus on and watch!"

Obviously, if you have a problem drinking in moderation and becoming drunk to where there are "incidents", the key would be to STOP DRINKING COMPLETELY BECAUSE THE MODERATION IS NOT HAPPENING AS MUCH AS IT SHOULD WHICH IS ALWAYS!

This is a VERY intelligent woman who is otherwise more than reasonable. I love her and want her to just leave it alone all together!

I've heard the "it's rude to turn my co-workers down at our social events which is a part of my job to network" line.

I've heard the "it helps to loosen me up to approach and talk to strangers at our events because I'm not naturally that social" line.

And at least one other that a hybrid of the two along the same "social event, therefore I have to " line.

My first response was to mention the countless Muslims and others including Christians who don't drink as a part of their religious beliefs and who still thrive in her same field yet say NO THANK YOU to alcohol. She kinda got quiet and then went into the other listed reasons above.

I'd like to think I'm not too shabby in the brains department either but I'm at a loss for words when she's headstrong in such a ridiculous track of thinking diametrically different from her normal train of reasoning and responsibility. What type of reasoning do you rec. because I don't want to loose her and again.. truly care for her?

---

---

Answer

The problem you face is that someone with a drinking problem or addiction to alcohol doesn't respond to reason. Alcoholism is a totally irrational illness whereby the person suffering from the affliction will do everything in their power, i.e. deny, rationalise, justify etc. reasons for them continuing to drink.

So you simply have to be blunt and to the point with your fiancé. Call her on her problem and give examples that highlight the fact ... and be clear that someone in her position will never be able to drink in moderation. The most loving thing we can do for someone who suffers from an alcohol problem or any addiction for that matter, is not to tip toe around the issue and be clear on what we can see is happening.

Otherwise all we do is we end up further enabling their behavior and their drinking is allowed to continue without any consequences. But when someone like your fiancé is still in the heavy denial stage, you also have to understand that whatever you say or do, might have no effect whatsoever. Until someone with a problem is ready to change - there is usually nothing anyone can say or do that will help. It's just a sad reality of a life of addiction.

Sometimes giving the person you love an ultimatum - 'change or I leave' - can jolt them into doing something about their problem, but there are unfortunately no guarantees that will work either.

So tell your fiancé you'll be there in any way possible if she's prepared to get help and do something about her drinking, but that things simply cannot continue the way they are. Well that's what I would say ... you have to decide for yourself. Because if things don't change you have to decide if your relationship is worth persevering with.

Good Luck and Take Care

+1 Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com