My Girlfriend is a Crack Addict, but Claims She Wants Help. What More Can I Do?

by Frank
(New Jersey)

My girlfriend of 15 months, whom I really love and care about, is addicted to crack cocaine, and an alcoholic. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I didn't discover this for 11 months. When I did, I offered to get her help vice a breakup.

She surrendered and went to an Intensive Outpatient program, because the geniuses at social services counted my income in with hers and refused to give her real help because she has no insurance. Anyway, she was drug clean for about 5 months (relapsed on alcohol several times), and just recently she relapsed on crack.

I got her to go to the hospital and detox, but I discovered that she refuses to let go of her past acquaintances, drinking buddies, fellow addicts. I'm tired of the lies and deceit, but I really love and care about her. I know it's the addiction that is the problem.

She goes to AA and NA meetings, in fact I've been to more of those meetings than an addict. She refuses (procrastinates) to work the 12 steps and finds fault with every would be sponsor. She wants the help, but hasn't completely surrendered yet.

The main problem is that she lives with me in my house and it will be very difficult to have her move out because she has no money and nowhere to go. What should I do? I'm so confused.....

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Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Frank

Until your girlfriend truly surrenders to her addiction and comes to terms with having to do whatever it takes to get clean, e.g. work the 12 steps, you're continuously going to be faced with the problems you are now.

One doesn't achieve sobriety half-heartedly. It takes intense commitment and a real desire to want to change, which seems is the key ingredient your girlfriend is missing. And until she gains that desire and commitment to want to change, things are just going to continue as they are.

So you need to make a call, because as much as you care about her and want to help her, it sounds like you could also inadvertently be enabling her. You did the right thing initially when insisting she get help for her drug addiction and alcoholism, but needed to follow through when she started relapsing by creating a clear boundary saying that's not okay.

She knows she can depend on you and that you'll likely be there for her even if she doesn't take her recovery seriously. So I think you need to make it clear to her that unless she starts taking her recovery from addiction seriously by letting go of old using acquaintances, working the 12 steps, and doing the things she needs to to get and stay sober, there is no future for your relationship and she'll have to move out.

Because if you don't put that boundary in place and have very clear consequences for crossing it, she'll just keep lying and manipulating to avoid having to face her problems, and nothing will ever change. I know it isn't easy, but it's important you do that, for your sake and hers.

Good Luck

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