My Husband Is A Violent Alcoholic and Drinking Again. I Don't Know What To Do Anymore?

by Lori
(New jersey)

I have been married for 32 yrs and although he always drank he was a functional alcoholic - but the last 6 yrs have been hell. Six yrs ago he started binge drinking and I mean drinking all day and night.

The first time it happened I moved out for four months ... he wound up in the hospital but refused to go to rehab and came out of the hospital very angry at me and his three children. I forgot to mention when I moved out he tore the house apart.

Second episode I moved out again because he was attacking me. Just one example is he poured cold beer on me and when I went to shower he closed the water main on me. He threw glasses at me. I went to the police and once again I was told to leave the house for my safety. Which I did once again. This time he went and sobered up after 3 months of drinking.

The third time he went on a binge I moved out for my safety and he really destroyed our home - he would call me and let me hear him break all my glasses and dinner ware. This time he went to rehab for 1 month came home was good for 6 months and started drinking once again - and once again he got violent, grabbed me.

I moved out went to the police and he sobered up because his attorney told him to go to a therapist and AA meetings get a letter from the doctor and have cards signed at the meetings. He did what he was told because he was scared he would be put in jail.

Well I went back once again but my daughter has had it and is living with her brother. I can't blame her but he does not get it. It is all about him and how we did not handle the situation right when we went to the police. He does not take responsibility for anything.

The worst part is he made a very bad business deal and we are in debt to the point that we can wind up losing our home and our retirement savings. He has not worked for 3 yrs because he does construction and had his own company but no work as of three yrs ago.

I have a little job but the debt is too great. If I file for divorce he has threatened to take what ever money is left and I will be responsible for half of the debt and because I am working I will have to pay him. I have no love left for him and am just staying because I feel sorry for him - his parents are both deceased and he has no siblings.

Today I came home from work and I know he was drunk - his speech was slurred and he kept repeating himself, ate dinner and went to bed but keeps getting up. I know how he acts when he drinks.

He was trying to start a fight with me by asking what my problem was. I was tempted to answer him you're my problem but I knew that would not help,all that would do would have him start yelling and telling me I handled the situation wrong and I made him drink. I am tired of playing games and very tired of walking on eggs. Does anyone have a suggestion?

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Lori, the only question you need to ask yourself is why you're still him? This is a man who has abused you emotionally and physically, shows you absolutely no love or respect, has ruined your home, made promises he can't keep because he won't stay sober, put you into a financial mess ... yet you keep going back?

Your husband is clearly a very ill man ... and feeling sorry for someone is a pretty lousy reason to stay in a relationship, especially considering all he's done. Even your daughter has had it.

Your husband isn't going to change, unless he ever decided he wants to ... and unfortunately it's pretty clear there is nothing you can do that will change that. So somehow you are going to have to find the strength and courage to make that final cut ... and trust that in doing so it will all work out for the best.

Of course he's going to threaten you and make you think you're going to come out of this worse. That's highly unlikely (get yourself a good attorney), but even if you did struggle financially for a while - surely your happiness, well-being and peace of mind are things you can't put a price on?

Here are some excellent stories others have shared that have been exactly where you are. Read them and you'll be inspired because you'll realise it is possible and you do have it in you to start over.

Great Advice When Someone You Love Is An Alcoholic

Finding Happiness After Separating From Alcoholic Abusive Husband

And there are loads of Q&A's in this section you should read that will help you as well.

More than anyone, you need help and support urgently Lori. Al-Anon (for family members of Alcoholics) and CoDA (coda.org) can help you get through this. You need to address the underlying issues that have you keep going back to a relationship that is clearly toxic, and often dangerous as well.

Do also try and get yourself Help Me! I'm In Love With An Addict: How To Survive A Relationship With An Alcoholic. It will help you address issues like whether you should stay or leave a relationship, provide you with tools to get your own life back on track, and hopefully give you the confidence to know things don't have to be the way they are. Because you can change things!

Of course much of this can seem scary and intimidating. That's why you just need to break it down, step-step into parts you can manage. Your life can be very different because you have the power to change it. You deserve better - and it's time for you to finally move on!

Good Luck and God Bless

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