My Husband is Addicted to Crack ... About to Divorce Him But Feel Guilty

by Tricia
(Illinois)

Me and my husband have been married for 7 years and have a 2,3,4 and 9 year old. He has been an addict for over 20 years. Of the 7 years we have been married we have only been actually together for a year (the kids are not his biologically except the oldest).

He took off for 6 years and I found him again and brought him home because I loved him. He is constantly disappearing for days/weeks at a time, I search for him and when I finally find him he begs for forgiveness and I allow him back home.

I have threatened divorce, locked him out of the house, packed his belongings and have told him repeatedly I cannot keep doing this ... it hurts not knowing if he is hurt, dead etc. when he leaves but he still continues the same pattern.

I am so tired of all the drama and I am ready in my mind to give up ...but my heart is having a hard time letting go. I just do not know what to do - I am stuck.

He is an excellent husband and father when he is home but here lately he is gone more often than home. He even sold the things I got him for Christmas, his wedding ring etc ... should I give up on him????

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Answer

Hi Tricia

Sometimes the only way to save someone is to let them go. Because when someone like your husband is then forced from a safe environment like his home - it gives him the wake up call he badly needs.

But when it comes to addiction - there are no guarantees. Some make it, some don't. Your husband needs help for his addiction. He needs to go through a proper treatment program and then find a recovery program like NA to help him stay clean.

But you can't force him to get help and do those things. The fact that he's disappeared 6 years out of 7 means his addiction is that bad that everything else in his life, including you and the kids, come a distant 2nd to the crack. Until something clicks in his brain and says 'enough is enough' - nothing you say or do will get him to change. And for some unfortunately that switch never goes off and their addiction kills them.

So try and convince your husband he needs professional help - and that if he agrees to it and commits to turning his life around, you're prepared to keep working at the marriage. If not it's the end. But don't hold out too much hope your message will have much of an impact.

Fact is, you can't keep your life on hold while your husband destroys himself and puts his addiction first. You have kids that deserve to be brought up in a loving and supportive environment, which no addicted father can provide. And of course you deserve a relationship where you're treated with love and respect - not always 2nd fiddle to the drugs and the worries that brings.

So don't feel guilty if you're ready to divorce him. You need to move on with your life for your sake as well as the kids. I know it's not easy - but remember you didn't cause your husband's addiction, you can't control his addiction and you can't cure his addiction.

He has to want it for himself - and until that happens, nothing is going to change and you'll simply end up fighting a losing battle. God Bless and Good Luck

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