My Husband is an Alcoholic and Drug Addict and Verbally/Mentally Abusive ... I Don't Know What to Do?

by Anonymous please
(Arizona)

I love my husband of 13 yrs but I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do. I feel like I've done something wrong and am being a bad wife and parent.

I knew he smoked pot when I met him, but it seemed harmless at the time. He started drinking when we had to move to my home town and live with my parents after his parents chased us away. His father is verbally abusive to just about everyone in the family.

He started drinking once we moved because he didn't have a pot hook up. Well that led to the hook up, but he didn't give up the drinking.
I've not been a total angel - I was not good with finances but he never wanted to help with them. I was afraid to tell him when things would get bad. I gained weight from pregnancies and a thyroid condition - which makes me tired - and he hates that.

In the last 8 years, his addiction have gotten worse. He drinks, smokes and I fear has a sexual addiction. He's always wanting sex, constantly masturbates and gets upset if I don't give in.
The verbal assaults started and I never know when I'm going to get a phone call while he's out.

The final straw was he promised to quit drinking after I told him I couldn't take anymore of these outbursts and we needed to separate. The very next day he was so remorseful and vowed to stop drinking, but not smoking. He said if he touched another drink it was off to AA. He even told our 13 yo.

My mother came out for a visit for a month because she wanted to see me and the kids and was concerned since I had finally opened up about the situation. He was really angry, but didn't drink (or so I thought) and said if she was here for more than 5 days he had to go out of town and got his mother to get him a plane ticket to visit back home.

Things were going well until our anniversary. It was the first one we had spent apart and he called at midnight which was 3 am where he was at. It was a rant and then followed with "Guess what? Just guess what I've been doing." Drinking and then asked how it felt to be lied to - just like I lied to him all these years about finances and my weight.

The threats of leaving me and the kids were thrown out because he wasn't going to be used anymore and it was my fault he wasn't here on our anniversary. It's my fault he drinks because of how I look, etc.

I have to admit it upset me and now I've stayed home working on my laptop for the last 3 days because my stomach is so messed up and I can't sleep. The worst part was having to tell our 13 yo. She's smart and realized something was wrong. When I told her that her dad was drinking again - she started crying and said he could stay where he was and she was stupid for trusting him. My heart was totally broken.

What do I do? To make matters worse we have a younger child with Asperger's Syndrome. If his dad doesn't come home he will be absolutely devastated and all the therapy we've had to get him where he is today will be for naught.
I need help ... I'm scared - I love the man but I don't know what to do.

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Answer

Unless there is absolute willingness and total commitment from both of you to save the relationship by addressing the 'shortcomings' both of you have identified in the other - it's difficult to see how you can make your marriage work going forward.

So somehow you both need to get totally honest with each other about what you want/need if your marriage is going to work - and then decide if you're both committed to making the changes that you need to make. You'd probably need to get someone to mediate the whole process so you could both have your say freely and openly - so couples therapy might be something to consider?

But ultimately no one can make a person change if they don't want to. Your husband has to want to overcome his alcoholism/addiction if he's ever going to quit drinking. You have to want to do something about your weight and spending habits. And you both have to want to make your marriage work. Because growth, progress and success on a personal and relationship level takes work and commitment.

So only the two of you can decide if you both have the desire to turn your marriage around. That will require a lot of honesty and soul-searching from both of you. But don't compromise on your boundaries. Your husband drinking and verbally abusing you is not okay. If he breaks an ultimatum again - you have to be prepared to follow through and leave if that's what you say you're going to do. Otherwise he'll know he can just keep getting away with his behavior.

There is no easy way to handle this. When your husband gets back you two need to sit down and start communicating ... and if need be get a therapist to help you do that. Because without total honesty and the desire to change ... you're just going to keep going around in circles ... and then it becomes better to simply move on.

You can't change each other, but you can both change because you want to, and because you want to give your marriage the best possible chance of succeeding.

Best of Luck and Take Care

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