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My Husband is an Alcoholic - Should that Stop Me from Also Drinking?

I am very curious to know if other people feel like I do? My husband is an alcoholic and attends AA and I am a member of Al Anon. I feel insane at times. I guess this is normal because that is why we go to meetings is because the alcohol has destroyed our lives and relationships.

I feel very cheated, and resentful which I am working on with my steps, however I don't know what is right and wrong anymore. I pray for Gods will and not mine. I like to have a glass of wine with my meal or after a long day .... but feel like a hypocrite when I do.

When I get to go to a party I feel judged by others if I have a drink because my husband is an alcoholic! Then in the morning after I regret it like I have done something terrible. Also my husband acts the part of a recovering AA but drinks daily. Some days I know what is right and some days I am totally confused???

Answer

Alcoholism is your husbands disease, not yours, so if you like to have the odd drink and drink alcohol responsibly, you have nothing to feel guilty about, despite what others may think.

The resentment you're currently experiencing is also normal and is a natural part of the healing process. Being married to an alcoholic will create a lot of wounds - and so working your own steps the way you are, is a journey towards healing, which will have plenty of bumps and frustrations along the way.

Don't be angry at yourself for experiencing those, it's a natural part of your recovery/healing process. You and your husband each need to focus on your own recovery processes independently. He's responsible for his, and you for yours.

The fact that he still drinks daily, when he knows as an alcoholic abstinence is the only way is worrying, but that's something you have no control over. It doesn't seem like he's yet read to commit to a life of recovery, but don't let that stop you from committing to your path.

Just don't let the resentment stop you from focusing on your own healing/recovery process because it can easily derail you and take you back to the mental/emotional place you're trying to move beyond.

If your husband wants to stay 'sick' that's his choice - but you don't want to let him take you there again as well. I just don't believe any kind of relationship is worth it and if you find that happening, you need to take a hard look at things and decide what is best for you long term. Stay strong and good luck!

Comments for My Husband is an Alcoholic - Should that Stop Me from Also Drinking?

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Jul 24, 2013
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This is ridiculous
by: Anonymous

If you had a spouse who was using an oxygen tank due to lung cancer in your home, would you continue to smoke cigarettes around them? Seems pretty insensitive and stupid to me. I guess as long as you say that you just "enjoy a cigarette every now and then" even though your loved one cannot breathe and may die because of the smoke, it makes smoking a cigarette ok. no different with alcoholism.

Nov 16, 2012
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confused
by: Anonymous

im not responding to anyone. I'm sending this for help for me. I just drank a bottle of wine in front of my "30" days sober fiance. I kicked him out because he was a MEAN drunk and today i said he can move back in with his 30 day chip. But i sat in front of him in spite and drank!!! he just left for an AA mtng. Why am i doing this? my whole family hates him and i feel so stuck in the middle!!! my brother sent me a letter saying we were done if i took him back. help!! so confused!

Aug 10, 2012
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same situation
by: Anonymous

I am also in that situation. Except my husband doesn't like me to drink. Period. He never lets me have a drink even if I'm at dinner with a friend. He will get mad if he knows I drank. As if I'm the alcoholic. All because he cannot drink and so he thinks its unfair for me to drink too. Is this wrong?? I know how to control my drinking. I feel like I'm also punished for the mistakes he has made.

Jun 14, 2012
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Accomodation - when does it end
by: Tom

I accomodated the alcohol / cocaine use of my partner for years. Now that he is sober, for which I'm grateful, I can't help but feel a bit resentful that I need to now accomodate his sobriety by me not having an occassional drink with dinner.

Alcoholism is a selfish disease. I'm struggling with sobriety and its demands as being equally selfish.

Jun 10, 2012
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It's both of your Diesease
by: 2 years Sober

For all of you saying it's his disease and not yours.....Don't you remember taking vows at your wedding? You married him/her, it is now your disease too. If your spouse continues to drink you have to choices- deal with it or leave. But gfor you to continue to drinking around someone who is trying to change their life and not drink shows complete disrespect. and shows that you only care about yourself. If you are married you are in this together, and as such treat it that way. Obviously, alcohol caused many problems in your marriage/life, why would you want the reminder of that when you drink?

Jan 06, 2012
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To drink or not
by: Anonymous

I chose not to drink around my alcoholic husband except on three occasions in 20 years. I finally left him because his drinking was out of control. The first thing I did was have a glass of wine with a friend. I may or may not drink again - the point is, I never felt more codependent than when he was drinking like a fish and I was piously abstaining. It is and was his responsibility to alter his behaviors - I never should have become so enmeshed that I began to say I was an alcoholic too! I am not. I was just being a "good" codependent and taking on his life as though it was my own. I live alone now - if I don't drink it is because it's fattening. If I want to enjoy a glass of wine, I can. I was very sad when our marriage ended but I now live a more honest, self-fulfilling life. And I do not miss getting spun up about how my myriad choices are upsetting him.

Jul 02, 2011
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This sucks
by: Anonymous

Living with this is hard and exhausting!

May 26, 2011
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Same thing
by: Anonymous

I, too, am going through the same thing. My husband is an alcoholic with good and bad days. I've tried not drinking to support him but he drinks anyway. He never drinks in front of me, but I can ALWAYS tell when he has. So, after six years of trying to support him with no change, I've decided that it's ok for me to have a glass of wine or two with friends. He knows I do and he realizes I have my own life.

Dec 06, 2010
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BEEN IN YOUR SHOES
by: been there

Hi my husband has been sober now for 49years. When he started AA I quit drinking with him, Not because he couldn't drink. It is just common sense if your husband isn't drinking, why would you want to drink. you are mates. you are suppose to help one another walk the roads of life. This is only my way of thinking, however. I can say we have had 49 years of wedded bliss, I would recommend anyone to do it this same way. Put the shoe on the other foot, is another way to look at it.
Same with smoking, it is easier if you both quit rather then one trying and the other blowing smoke in the others face.
Good Luck.

Dec 06, 2010
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Aug 24, 2009
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no you shouldnt stop because of his alcoholism
by: Anonymous

I also have a similiar problem like this in my house. My husband is an alcoholic and if i decide that i want to go out and have a few drinks with friends then he uses that as an excuse for him to drink. What i've learned is that he is going to drink regardless of what i do. He's always going to have an excuse or some sort of reasoning for his last or next drinking binge. i am very supportive of him and never bring it in the house or drink around him. I think us spouses of addicts just need to remember that this is their addiction not ours!!! All we can do is be there for them!

Aug 16, 2009
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No It Shouldn't
by: Anonymous

I had a similar situation with my husband and initially also felt very guilty about having a drink because he was working at his recovery. But as was said, it's his disease. You can't totally change your lifestyle just in the hope it will help your husband. If he's going to drink, he'll drink anyway. I try and be respectful about it as much as I can. I don't keep much alcohol in the house, but if I feel like the odd drink, I'll have one. I drink in moderation and am aware of staying within my limits. My husband accepts that and it works for us.

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