My Husband Is Married To Percocets. Where Do I Turn Now?

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. He hasn't always had an addiction problem and I guess that's why I've refused to let go. He used to be so amazing, the best personality in the world.

He could literally change anyone's negative attitude and always lit up the room he was in. Now he's so numb. He feels nothing except anger when he doesn't have a pill or stress when he can't find one.

I am a very positive person and he used to be but now he's so negative and depressed all the time. His doc put him on antidepressants and if he would just stop taking the pills he would feel so much better!

He is 30 and has had two back surgeries because of ruptured disks and will most likely need another in the future. So I've always tried to let it slide and not say much because I know he is in pain.

BUT, 15 to 30 Percocet 10's per day is abuse. I told him I don't know how he does it ... anyone else would overdose or die from taking that many pills in a day and he just laughs. He thinks because he works every day that he doesn't have a problem. And he does work very hard.

But when you get 180 pills a month from the doc and have to start buying them after two weeks because you've taken them all you do have a problem. When you total up a years worth of atm withdraws and realize he's spent over $25,000 on pills ... You have a problem.

I have tried everything to get him help and I know it's not going to work until he's ready. And he doesn't want help. I thought maybe if I left him he would want to try to better himself, even if we couldn't work it out later, I just want him to be happy again.

He told me if I ever left him someone would find him dead. I just don't know what to do. He has put me through so much pain and hurt that I can't even begin to get into on here because I'll end up having a 500 page book and I just can't keep it all together anymore.

I guess the final straw was last weekend. We have been trying to have a baby and I told him I found out I had some fibroid tumors in my uterus. He said he was sorry and everything would be ok and didn't know why I was so upset.

He then starts crying and bitching at me because I won't let him buy his pills. Everything I already knew but didn't want to admit to myself slapped me in the face in that moment. I don't want to stay and end up living a miserable life and I don't want to bring any children into that situation because I grew up with an alcoholic mother and it was a living hell.

But I'm the type of person that NEVER gives up. When other people say it can't be done, I prove them wrong but I'm starting to think I'm the one that's wrong here. I feel like a complete failure as a wife and friend.

I don't want something to happen to him if I leave but I can't continue to live like this. All I've ever wanted is to make him happy and I can't do it for him, only the pills can. I have never felt so sad, desperate, and helpless before in my life.

Is there anywhere I can turn? Someone I can talk to give me the courage I need. I KNOW he's not going to change until he's ready and I'm done making appts for him to skip. But if I leave and he kills himself I will never be able to forgive myself. Ever.

I love him so much and it kills me to see him hurting himself like this. I just don't know what to do anymore. Is there a place to turn for families of an addict that refuses to get help? Or should I just leave with all the broken pieces and try to glue them back together on my own?