My Husband Started Drinking Again after going to Rehab. I'm Tired ... What Should I do?

After three episodes of binge drinking my husband finally went to rehab after I filed divorce papers. He came home meek and humble saying he understood he could not drink again and was going to AA meetings.

In Feb he started having a glass of wine every Sat and then two weeks ago he drank himselk into a stupor. He said he made a mistake. My daughter and sons were upset. All three are adults but they blame me for his drinking.

I got rid of all the alcohol but he got three bottles of wine as a gift and he drank them (not all at once) - but when he got drunk he went into his daughters room and found a bottle of vodka she had bought as a gift. He sobered up but my daughter called his sponser and he was furious.

He does not understand why everyone is upset. He asked me would why be upset if he drank one glass of wine or scotch and I told him yes. His response is well it's my house and I can control it so he does not care what we thought. I told him then why did he ask?

He keeps asking what's wrong and I don't answer any more. Financially we are a mess right now because of the damage he did to his company and to make matters worse his oldest son works for the company and he had to go on unemployment.

My son is hoping the business will pick up because there are no jobs to be had right now. My husband also made a very bad investment that cost us almost all our savings. I went back to work and he resents that I go to work every day. I'm tired but I feel bad because he has no family to live with. We have been married for 30 years. Guilt, compassion and concern for my son are the only three things keeping me in this marriage.

Stuck

Answer

Dear Stuck

Amazing what filing divorce papers did in terms of motivating your husband to take action. Unfortunately the threat of you leaving him hasn't been strong enough for him to get totally serious about changing his ways and embracing a life of sobriety.

So unless you want to continue with this kind of unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, you may have to make good on your initial threat because it doesn't seem like your husband is ready or wants to change.

The reality of addiction is that control or moderation doesn't work. As the saying goes, one drink is too many and a thounsand never enough - because us addicts can't control our drinking like others can. Your husband knows this, but he's obviously just not ready to accept his addiction, and until he does, this is how your life is going to continue.

So if you're happy to continue in this kind of relationship so be it, but if you're not then you may have to go ahead with the divorce and begin a new life for yourself. Somewhere in all that your husband may get the wake up call he needs, but there are no guarantees, so you need to start thinking about what you want from life and what will make you happy.

Your are powerless over your husband and his addiction. Until he's ready to accept it and take responsibility for turning his life around, it's just going to be 'more of the same' for you, except that it will likely get worse over time with alcoholism being a progressive disease.

I know it's not an easy decision to make so think long and hard about what you want, and then simply be true to yourself.

I wish you all the best.

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