My Husband's Addiction To Pot Is Ruining Our Marriage

by Susan
(Massachusetts)

I have been married for 22 years and have two wonderful children, ages 18 and 14. Ever since I met my husband he has been a daily pot smoker. I never liked this, but thought he would outgrow it. He has never stopped.

He spends money we don't have on pot, and then lies about where the money went. My 18 year old daughter found a bag of weed in our car when she was 14 and confronted her dad about this. He was apologetic and said he would try to quit. Our younger son found out at 13 that his dad smokes pot from my daughter, who was mad at her father one day.

Our marriage has been very bad for many years. We have talked about separation and divorce many times. Most recently my son was hospitalized for depression because his biggest fear is that we will divorce. He has even had suicidal thoughts within the past month.

I want my husband to grant me a separation, because he told me that he never wants to quit smoking pot even though it is ruining our marriage and affecting the kids. He said to me that he won't leave because he has nowhere to go and finances are a constant struggle.

I have told him many times to seek help and that I would support him, but he does not see that he has a problem. What would you do if you were in my situation? I really need some advise, because I am extremely unhappy and depressed over this. Thank you

Alcoholism-and-Drug-Addiction-Help.com Answer

Hi Susan

The thing is, you can't change your husband, and if he doesn't feel he has a problem, there is little you can do to change his mind. Because your husband is the only one who can do anything about his pot smoking, and unless he wants to, nothing is going to change.

It boils down to you having to make a decision. Can you be happy and have a successful marriage with someone you feel is addicted to pot? And if not and having communicated that to your husband - and he still isn't prepared to compromise on his pot smoking, then you have to do what you think is going to be best for you and the children.

Maybe your husband doesn't actually realise how serious you are. Many in your position do everything from encourage, to plead, and then threaten ... and your addicted spouse eventually becomes immune to it, because they know you're unlikely to back up your words with action.

So it may be time for an ultimatum and you can combine that with performing an organised intervention as a last ditch attempt you get your husband the help he needs if he's going to quit. There are no guarantees, but interventions can be a powerful method to break through a loved one's denial and get them the help they need. At the end of the day though, no one can tell you what to do, especially because no one else is there 24/7 to really fully understand the dynamics of what is happening.

That's why you need to trust yourself and be true to what is best for you and your children. Your husband won't change if he isn't ready or willing to do so, so as much as you are powerless over the choices he makes, you are totally empowered to make choices that are best for you.

For additional insight and guidance, feel free to look into Help Me! I'm In Love With An Addict, where we expand on ideas that space constraints don't allow here. What you're going through is one of the most difficult things imaginable, but trust yourself to make the right decision, whatever that may be.

Best of Luck

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