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My Husband's Alcoholism is Tearing Our Family Apart: Should I Leave Him?

by AFR
(TX)

I am sitting here crying at 2:00 in the morning. I just finished "scream" texting him for the last hour to get home and like always he is ignoring my calls and/or texting back snide, rude and insensitive messages. It is always me being the B*@#%! and intruding in on him and his fun. He is always going out to drink to "get away, relax or celebrate".

I use to believe him for a few years that I was the reason or problem for him having to get away or go out to drink at the bars or with his buddies.

I never grew up around any alcoholics and so I knew nothing about this emotionally painful disease. Yet, here I am today 9 years later in a marriage that has fallen apart once (separation for 2 yrs) and is on the brink of me walking away again.

I've tried to educate myself and protect my kids from his drinking binges but I still feel helpless and stupid. Helpless because I feel stuck in a never ending nightmare and stupid for having gotten myself and my children into this mess.

I always pictured the American dream family. Two lovely kids and a supportive and loving husband. I am too embarrassed by my situation that I put on a happy, my life is wonderful facade to all my friends. But I am too embarassed to even tell my best friend from high school of my pain and suffering.

Sometimes my husband will go days and be okay. He even "gives up beer" for Lent and can do it! So why can't he do it after Lent? I keep being an enabler and hoping he will just "snap out of it" one day.

During our first separation he acknowledged his drinking problem, said he would get help and I went to a couple of Al Anon meetings. He agreed his drinking was probably due to his father being an alcoholic for 40+ years. Plus he has a tendency to be depressed or get black moods.

I am mad at myself for not sticking to my first plan of separation and for not being strong by remaining apart. He had made some progress but now we are BACK AT SQUARE ONE.

I have become a completely different person by all this. I use to be such a happy, positive person and could never be mean. Now I scream and yell not only at my husband but at my small kids too (7 & 4).

My daughter is a very sensitive child and I feel guilty because I think mine and my husbands relationship problems and fighting has groomed her this way. My mom had always taught me to walk away from violence, bite my tongue and take the higher road.

Yet, I find every insult and hurt I can to hurl at my husband after one of his binges and then feel horrible and regret my reactions the next day, but not due to him but for my kids.

Right now is a good example: I have locked myself and my kids in the master bedroom to keep him out. He has gotten home and is drunkenly knocking on the bedroom door incessantly-it is 2:30 in the morning. He is being loud and is waking up both our children. I just calmed our daughter down and put her back to sleep. My husband wants a pillow and blanket and will not leave us alone.

He has also turned on the heater I guess to punish me (not thinking about the kids) or make me open the door to turn down the a/c so he can jump in the room and lock me out. THIS IS THE CRAP I AM TIRED OF!!!!! Yet I stupidly stay put because I feel too scared to move on.

How will I be able to support me and my kids? I have an okay job but the stress of finding a babysitter with the hours I work. His mom has been our babysitter since the first baby was born. Also, I will be traumatizing my daughter again with a 2nd separation. I should be strong like I use to be. I know I should be giving them a better life so why am I frozen? Please help me!!!!

If you're in a relationship with, or married to an alcoholic, Help Me! I'm in Love With an Addict: How to Survive a Relationship with an Alcoholic or Drug Addict is worth taking a look at.

It will help you understand how best to deal with your alcoholic partner/spouse, provide you with strategies on how best to help him/her, and tell you exactly what you need to do to get your own life back on track again.

If you're at your wits end with your relationship and need answers fast, then this is a book that can help you. Coping with alcoholism is an incredibly difficult thing to have to deal with in a relationship - so Help Me! I'm in Love With an Addict will help you navigate that journey and give you answers that can make a real difference.

Comments for My Husband's Alcoholism is Tearing Our Family Apart: Should I Leave Him?

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Sep 28, 2012
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I'm the biggest fool of them all
by: Anonymous

You think you're hanging on to hope. I'm 47, husband 54, he's retired and on state pension. I work and make 6 figures. We have a boat, beautiful home, cars, travel. The kicker, he's been a bad alcholic for the past 5 years. Pancreatitus 4 times, 5 seizures, collapsed in motel room, 18 stitches to lip, fatty liver, numerous drunkin phones. Want the crazy part? NO KIDS! He lives off me disappears for weekly benders, does not tell me where he is, just let him come home and he'll get help. Well, I finallty let my family in on had bad thing really are(I think they suspected) but I was too busy putting up the front of happiness to avoid embarrassment and not to burden anyone with my problems. I told him last week, we are seperating, he is to find an apartment and I'll maintain the house and boat until I can get it sold since I am the only one that can and does pay the bills including utilities. I should mention that he received a nice inheritance from his package so he can well afford to be on his own. I feel stronger, found my faith again and living for myself, not to be consumed with worry for him, its too exhausting. We all have a breaking point and its different for everyone. Mine should have come 4 years ago when he had to be hospitalized for pancreatitus and he eventually told me he was leaving work to drink at a bar and not going to his AA or recovery center. Live and learn, its different for everyone.

Mar 27, 2012
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Reaching a breaking point
by: Anonymous

Fifty four years old and still hanging on to the hope that my husband will some day stop drinking.
We have five wonderful children. My youngest child is autistic and has sever seizures. Son number two has been hospitalized on several occasions for sever raging episodes and dangerous behaviors. Since he has been two years old, he has been diagnosed with ADHD, and anxiety disorder. He is a talented musician. Son number one is the rock of the family. In two years, he will have his PHD. Son number two is a computer engineer and has always suffered poor health. Next month he will be having brain surgery to remove a brain tumor. My daughter is a beautiful girl with lots of friends. She hates being home; and will graduate from high school this year. Her father is constantly berating her. My daughter says she has places to go if her father kicks her out.
Four years ago, my husband lost his job; and I was forced to work full time. My husband is very good with numbers and finances. We own our home and are financially stable. My husband drinks heavily at night sitting in front of the computer playing poker or watching television many nights until five in the morning. At that time my second son and I are getting ready for work. I am also responsible for getting my autistic son ready for school before I leave for work at six thirty. Son number three gets up to put him on the bus that pulls up on our driveway. Until about two in the afternoon, my husband is sleeping on the couch.
When I get home from work, I must get supper ready. My autistic son is a bed wetter so I have laundry to do. Next is my autistic son's bathing routine; and my husband never lifts a finger. He is back at his computer or watching the television.
Today, my autistic son is sick, but my husband is not capable of taking care our son. He was drinking heavily last night in front of the computer until five in the morning. In good conscious, I had to call in sick.
I am angry! I do not want to disrupt the family; but enough is enough! I been to all kinds of counseling and nothing has worked.

Mar 15, 2012
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Married to an alcoholic
by: Anonymous

I too am living with my alcoholic husband. I have 2 very young children - aged 3 yrs and 15 months. My husband started to become verbally and emotionally abusive towards me towards the end of my second pregnancy. Saying that as soon as the baby is born I have to leave without the children. Since then he has go worse. My husband lost his job last year whilst I was still on maternity leave. I think it was a combination of depression caused by the drinking maybe and his general attitude towards his managers that got him fired from his enviable job. He managed to get freelance work but kept pushing for me to get back to work as he felt that I was lazy and had no idea what the real world was like. My youngest was only 2 months old and I had a successful career before deciding to take time off on maternity leave. By the time my youngest was 10 months old I went back to work. My husband then decided that he didn't need to work (even though we had childcare spaces set up for the 2 children). So, reluctantly I went back to work full time whilst he became stay at home dad. He is so bitter now that I am back at work. He hated me being at home whilst he worked now he hates me working whilst he stays at home. This makes him angry and he takes it out on me almost everytime I walk through the door in the evening. All my children seem to see of their mommy is angry or upset mommy as he pushes and pushes until he gets the reaction he needs so then he can turn it back on me to make me feel like I have started yet another argument. The worst thing about all of this is that on a few occasions I have come home to see him passed out drunk and unconscious on the floor whilst our young children are playing - unfed. I don't know what to do as I have no family in the country so cannot take myself and the children there. I have asked him to leave but he refuses and says it's over when he says it is. I have also gor to the point with him that I have physically attacked him. Something of which is not natural for me. He has turned me into a neurotic, crazy and paranoid person. I am so depressed but try so hard to be happy, positive and a good role model for my children but it is getting too difficult. I have talked to friends and my family back in the UK but there's nothing that they can do for me. I have even spoken to my husband's family but I don't think they are that interested in helping me and/or their only son. I am lucky that at the moment my babies are still very young but it's only a matter of time before they suds out what is going on in their own home.

Feb 21, 2012
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he help me
by: Anonymous

Hello

Me and my daughter has been in so much pain, i have suffered allot from my husband, he always come home drunk and i have tried so many way to stop him from doing this, But no way until a my co-worker who is from Africa introduced me to this spiritual spell caster who help me get cast a spell and my husband stop drinking. and my life has be a testimony and that i will never forget that i own this man email is vadoospell@gmail.com instead of divorcing your husband why not do this and save your relationship. Thank

Dec 09, 2011
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Alcohoic husband
by: Anonymous

Sometimes I still feel alone in my situation because I was with my husband for 15 years and things got so bad to the point that I had to get a restraint order to have him removed from the house. I pleaded and begged for him to get his self together and it did not work.I asked him to go and leave and stay with his brother or a friend and he would not be rational at all. he felt that it was his house and he built everything and that he was not going to leave it, yet he caused hell and drama in the house every single day for me and my children and broke things on a regular basis. He did not seem happy at all but yet would not be rational to leave. Now that I had to put him out he has a permanent job and he has his own place but he will not reach out to our children. When my daughter calls him he will speak with her briefly but that is about it. I am hurting for my daughter but I feel that is trying to punish me by not reaching out to her. He is extremely bitter with me and I am not the one who he is hurting. I am not mad with him, I forgive him but in his mind he feels that I put a good man out of the house. I did not want to do it that way but he was in my face calling me B's and mf'rs in front of my kids, jumping at me and allowing other people to talk bad about me because he was telling lies about me to get people to focus on the so called issues he was having with me and the children vs his alcoholism. (deep down inside i still fell somewhat guilty about having to have him pt out but what was I supposed to do). My pastor told me not to put him out but I was losing myself, high blood pressure, depressed, and not getting any sleep.

Nov 02, 2011
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FOR FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC
by: Anonymous

This is in reference to the woman who wrote on Nov. 2nd about the Functioning Alcoholic. I am the one who wrote in September about me be married to my highschool sweetheart for 13 years. He has recently asked me for a divorce and as hard as it is, I am starting to think it could be the best thing for me. I hope he can get his life together and maybe we could have a future at some point, but that is not happening at this time.
I just want to tell you what I have learned from reading about this for a while now. I wish I would have done it a long time ago. You need to stop worrying about your husband and let him take care of his self. You are exhausting yourself trying to take care of him and it will get you nowhere. Get your life together for you and your son so you can at some point move on from your husband if needed. Your husband is an adult and you have to let him make his own mistakes becuase you cleaning them up for him is just letting him continue on this path. If he does not get it together than you and your son will be better off without him. Start focusing on your job so you can take care of yourself and your son. I know you can do it!!! Good luck!

Nov 02, 2011
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Functioning alcoholic
by: Anonymous

So much of this sounds like my story. I married my husband in 2003. I knew he drank, but I looked the other way, thinking it wasn't that bad. Over the years it got worse. He has always been very jealous and constantly questions anything I do hoping I will slip up and admit to having an affair (which I'm not). On one of the rare occassions he went grocery shopping with our son and I, he got upset because I grabbed a 3 pack of whipped cream (we were at a warehouse store) and wanted to know who I was going to use it on. Our son loves whipped cream on applesauce and we go through a lot of it. That simple explanation doesn't sink in with him. I don't have the time or the energy for an affair. He is a functioning alcoholic with a good job. I don't know how he can do it. He has gone into a pattern of bingeing one night, recovering the next night, then bingeing again. Almost every other night he drinks a minimum of 15 beers and I have counted up to 25 beers in one night. He throws up everywhere, has soiled himself a couple of times (that I am aware of) & urinated in bed. A couple of weeks ago our 6 yr old son was sick and had to stay home from school. I had just started a new temp job so my husband said he would stay home with him. He was currently on a recovery day so I figured it would be ok. When I came home that afternoon he was completely trashed. By 5pm he had consumed at least 20 beers. I should have taken our son and left then, but where would we go? My parents passed away years ago and I cannot bring myself to ask for help. He has reminded me several times that he makes all the money. I ask him to participate in our son's activities, but he never wants to. Instead he would rather stay home and drink. He can't participate in a social event without getting trashed. It is embarassing. I have been taking pictures of the aftermath (all the empty bottles and cans of beer) as much as possible and sending them to a friend for safe keeping if I need the proof. I am desperately trying to get a permanent job, but I have been having trouble concentrating and remembering things which makes it hard to keep a job. The temp job I am currently in is not going so well. I am viewed as unreliable (I was late a couple of times due to his drinking) and have a hard time concentrating and remembering things due to lack of sleep and the stress. I went to the dr. and he put me on welbutrin. I have yet to notice any improvement. I am sorry this sounds like rambling. I could go on...but I won't. Thank you for "listening" to me.

Oct 23, 2011
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Want To Help My Mummy
by: Anonymous

Hi :)
I'm a 13yr old girl and have 3 siblings (16,6 and 3)
My father has been drinking behind my mothers back until she found out last year. I heard them arguing and he started crying promising he would stop. My mother and I are the only people who know about his problem. Today we found a bottle of alcohol and whiskey in the trunk of his car. He has started again. My father is breadwinner of our household and my mother is a stay-at-home mum. I want her to leave my father but shes worried about financial issues and wants to stay together for the sake of my sister and brother. I just don't know what to do anymore and hate seeing my mummy cry :(

PLEASE SPEAK UP IF YOU HAVE ANY HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS
Thanks so much

Oct 01, 2011
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30 year veteran
by: Anonymous

Well, here goes. Gotta say, feel like and idiot. I take the cake here. Married for 30 years. Love the man , hate the alcoholic. He's not violent, not really mean, just snarly, stupid and obnoxious at times. Never missed a day at work. Drank at home, in closets, the bathroom, the shed, his truck wherever. Always worked, no DUI, very high functioning hard core alkie. It runs in his family, so I think that his genes just naturally accepted and tolerated the constant abuse. Until a couple of years ago. He had esophageal cancer, stage three. This incredible man lived through that horrendous treatment and surgery, just to come home and pour vodka down his throat, minus his esophagus. Amazing. I just couldnt fathom it.
I started pushing him to quit about 20 years ago. He was very successful at making everyone think he was trying to quit. AA meetings, counselors, contracts with the family, contracts with his employers,(yes they found out), rehab etc etc. But a drunk,a liar, an intelligent and persuasive crazy man who has no logic when alcohol is lurking. He is manipulative and deceitful to all who care about him. We have two children, adults now, and they have always loved and hung in there with him. But its all so cruel and sick to suck all this love and support from sincere loving family members, just to keep that addiction alive. Its all about perpetuating his cycle of drinking. And he does this over and over and over. And I have been in this, over and over. Six years ago, I moved out. Bought another house, told him when he was sober he could come home. Seven long months later, he came home. He had sworn if I moved out he would drink himself to death. He didnt. Two rehabs, multiple separations and a lot of heart ache, we are still haunted with his craziness. He was found by neighbors unconscious on our lawn 3 weeks ago. Hospital detoxed him, and sent him home. He started up again as soon as he got home. I put him out again, and now he is in his 2nd rehab. I think that is great, but I know the impetus. It is just to get back in the house and start the cycle again. He called my daughter crying tonite. He feels horrible, misses everyone, he is so lonely and has no one to talk to. And here lies the paradox: he loves his family, always has, has always provided well for us. And we love him. He is a really kind, good, intelligent, funny man. And we are family. And I have to learn to finally let him go. And that breaks my heart.
\ No matter what road we take, Ive learned nothing feels right. So we have to do what we know we have to. That is the only advice I can give. Dont expect anything to feel like the right choice. None of the choices are good. Just do what you know you have to.

Sep 25, 2011
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I feel so confused
by: Anonymous

I have been married to my husband for over 26 yrs. we have 2 wonderful kids. a daughter 24yrs and a son 21yrs. My husband has been drinking heavily for the past 20 yrs. there were a few times when i was physically abused and almost everyday where i have been verbally abused, and this kills me. he calls me all bad names. he says i am ugly, dirty, good for nothing, that i am a bitch etc. i know i am not. everybody else loves me and tells me i am special. i enjoy my work. i left our bedroom about 2 months ago and at least i can sleep better. our daughter had to leave home because of her father, and our son suffers alot. sometimes we feel we should leave home straight away, but i am so confused. my lawyer wants me to leave my husband too. he has lots of opportunities and people who would like to help him, but he refuse. i am so confused. our lives had been shattered because of my husband's drinking.i am thinking of taking him to court to enforce him to take treatment. i go to alanol and it helps. pls help

Sep 12, 2011
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help
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We were highschool sweethearts before that. We have a 7 year old son who we both love very much.
My husband started abusing alchohol when he was laid off 8-9 years ago. He mostly drinks beer, but it is everynight and a 12 pack is nothing. He blames me for being the nagging wife. I have threatened divorce so many times because i thought that might make him stop. As I am sure you all know...that does not work. They don't stop. I feel like i really have no husband because for the most part he is not a part of the family. He does not want to go out much and is out in his shop most of the time. I am so very lonley. When he does seem like his old self i get so excited and it is so nice. It just never lasts.
He went out Friday with his friends which i did not gripe about at all. Then Saturday we had a nice family day. I really enjoyed it. Then on Sunday he was in a bad mood. We got in a fight about it later in the evening. Now he says he wants to leave me...not the first time for this either. He says we fight too much and it is not good for our son. If he would just stop drinking it would solve our biggest problems, but of course he won't admit to that. I am so tired of crying all the time. Crying because he is drinking and crying because he wants to leave me now. I don't want to tear my family apart. I don't want to have to share time with my son. All I have done is try to have a good family and i have failed. Now if we divorce it will tear my sons world apart and i will have to share him on Holidays and everything. I will have to see my husband, but we won't be married. It is all jsut too much to take. I don't know what to do anymore. I value marriage and have prayed and prayed, but it never seems to get better.

Sep 12, 2011
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broken hearted
by: sad

I have been married to my husband for 13 years now. We were highschool sweethearts. We have a 7 year old son who we both love so much. My husband started abusing alcohol when he got laid of 8 years or so ago.
He mostly just drinks beer, but it is everynight and it is nothing for him to drink a 12 pack. My live has been a living hell for the past few years. Everything makes him mad and it is my fault for griping at him for drinking. He says all we do is fight. Well of course we do, he is not a part of the family because he is always out in his shop drinking. He is always unhappy and i don't know what to do.
I have threatened divorce many times and I know that is not the way to handle it, but i did not know what else to do. I wanted him to stop and i thought that would make him. it did not. he is now saying he wants to leave me because all we do is fight. it just breaks my heart. i don't want to lose him, but part of me thinks in the end it might be best. it ends up me begging him to stay when he is the one with the problem and that makes me sick. i don't want to have to share time with my son. i want a family...not every other weekend. my husband has broken my heart in so many ways. we just had a good weekend as a family and now he says he wants to leave because we fight all the time. it is like he is afraid to be happy. Could that be? none of it makes any since to me. i am just tired of being broken hearted all the time!

Sep 10, 2011
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You are not weak
by: Anonymous

I'm posting this in reply to "Amazed". Just because you are tired of coming in second to alcohol and are considering starting a new life does not make you weak. I recently left my 10 year marriage and have had to be very strong and stand firm (even though it makes me really sad). I have had a habit of taking more than I should, listening to excuses, and accepting apologies over and over again. My husband's last binge was absolutely horrible. It just keeps getting worse. I spoke to a friend of ours who is in recovery. He told me that many times rock bottom means absolutely losing everything. I would have never dreamed that my husband's "rock bottom" would be this far down. I used to feel as you do about being strong and sticking with my husband. I thought that if I hung in there it would all turn around and that you don't run just because it is tough. My breaking point was when my husband became physically violent. You are right to want out. If you can't save yourself you will be of no use to him.

Sep 10, 2011
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Amazed
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married for almost seven years, of which six of those years he's been drinking heavily. We've known each other for almost 16 years and have definitely had our "ups and downs". About six months ago, my husband went to in-house rehab for 30 days and continued his out-patient recovery for another 30 days. After rehab, he attended AA meetings faithfully and was on his road to recovery. Last month, I found a bottle of vodka in his golf bag. Last night, I smelled his breath and it smelled like alcohol. I'm devastated. How can I continue loving someone that loves his alcohol more? I feel as if I'm strong in every area of my life but in this area. My mind is telling me to give up on this marriage and move on. However...my heart hurts because I still love him. He has admitted that staying sober is hard. I don't want to "give up" in case he does change his life, become the great guy I always knew....but at the same time...I don't want to waste my life on a dream that will never come true. It scares me that he will never stop drinking. Last night, I told him I wanted a divorce. He (like every addict) blames me for everything that has gone wrong in our marriage and lives. I pray each night that I become stronger and start putting myself and my needs first. I feel so weak for staying in this marriage. A good friend once told me...."The weak ones normally leave the relationships - It takes the strong ones to stay".

Sep 09, 2011
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So Sad!
by: Anonymous

Wow. Its like you ladies have lived my life for the past 10 years. When sober my husband is so sweet, considerate, and understanding. When drunk (especially on hard liquor) I could swear he is satan himself!!! He becomes verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive, terrifying actually. I recently had him arrested and jailed for physical abuse. He has been there for 2 months now because nobody has bailed him out. Family and friends all know his drinking is downright dangerous. I've moved out of our old place with our two children. Right now I am struggling with extreme sadness. It depresses me to know that I can't have my kind, considerate husband because this horrible disease has taken over. It is so frustrating is when I have to explain to others that he has never been abusive while sober, NEVER! In fact, when he is sober, he is my best friend. Its hard to separate the two and it hurts!!!!!!! I feel like when I try to explain this to others they automatically make assumptions about who we are. I have never really been a "controlled" woman. Always able to go where I wanted, have friends, travel, work etc. My husband becomes violent with whom ever happens to be in his path when drunk. Its not just directed at me like it is in many domestic violence cases. We were so close before the alcohol took over.

Jul 21, 2011
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Why can't us women get together and rent a house together?
by: Anonymous

Hi Everyone,

I am so nauseating sick of my fiancee' I will NEVER MARRY, because he lied to me about his drinking. I own my Park Model and looking for land to move it on. I am going to do this without the heavy alcoholic that lives with me.

I made the mistake of thinking it would be an answer to Prayers. I am Disabled, and the medical doctors told me I would have to go to Assisted Living or Nursing Home, if there was no one to live with me.

Dear God! I want this man out of my home, and us women help one another and look out for your children who are horrible affected by their alcoholic parent.

I have REALLY DILIGENTLY been looking for land to buy, to move my Park Model Home on the land! I didn't want to be alone for health reasons. So why don't us women think of a positive solution and pitch in and buy a house together. With everyone's name on the deed. So we all have the safety of knowing, we will always have a place to live.

I would do it in a heartbeat, for all of us, but being on Disability Income. I don't have quite enough saved. I live in Sanford, FL.

I am very serious about buying land or buying a large house. But even this I need joining together help financially for us to get a house to have a safe place to live. I could sell my Park Model and use it towards a big house with like 5 rooms and 4 bathrooms in it. I just can't do it all by myself financially.

Email me if you would be interested or have any input about my post. I have to get away from this alcoholic, who flat out refuses to get help. He gets wicked mean verbally with me when he drinks so much and takes pain pills on top of it.

With Warm Regards,
Jeannie

Jul 16, 2011
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broken hearted
by: Anonymous

I just read this and feel exactly the same. I've been in my marrage for 30 years now, i finally convinced my husband to seek help, he was in rehab and is seeing a counselor for two months now. I saw the unhappiness in him because he didn't know what to do without drinking, and just this week he relapsed. Now I'm faced with continuting to stay with him or finally have the guts to leave him. He feels guilty over the damage he does to me and his kids but he just doesn't stop. He doesn't have any extended family and i feel obligated to help him. Without me he'll be on the street and i feel like that's what he wants to do. What should i do. i'm soo broken hearted.

Jul 06, 2011
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Words of comfort
by: Anonymous

Reading this is like I am writing it myself. I have been miserable with an alcoholic husband for 10 out my 16 years of marriage.I keep hoping he will stop but the roller coaster keeps going. thank you for helping me hove courage to leave. He is not physically abusive either but very controlling and verbally abusive.
I feel guilty about wanting to leave because of my 5 year old son.

Jun 26, 2011
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Just tired
by: Anonymous

I am in the same boat ar all of you. I've been dealing with my alcoholic husband for 3 years. His behavior while drunk is completely out of control in every way. He never has been physically abusive but he has on occasion been verbally abusive. Sober, he is the best person I know. He is a good provider, attentive to me & kids, etc. But I am tired of the roller coaster. I keep trying to detach from him and I,too, get sucked into his drama time and time again. Broken promises, lies, typical addict stuff. I think the reason we all keep hanging on is because we see glimpses of the man we fell in love with and that gives us hope. My hubby will deployed in the Fall so he wont be my problem for a year. I'm not happy he is leaving but am looking forward to the space so I can work on me. I need the strength to leave him. I don't want to be alone raising two kids, but I am already alone in my marriage. I can't count on him for much- his behavior is so unreliable. I just have to get through this summer...

May 22, 2011
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There is hope
by: Jules

I am reading all of these comments by women who love alcoholic men and I can relate to all of them. I lived with my alcoholic boyfriend for three years and it was either paradise or hell, depending on his moods and his drinking. I finally found the courage to give my man the boot and I am much happier now.

I just want to share a few things that helped me. First, get some of Melodie Beattie's books on co-dependency. They really opened my eyes to the whole thing. Then, start keeping a journal and write everything down. What he does, how it makes you feel, etc. Start documenting the situation you are in. I think re-reading your pages will give you more clarity when you finally find the courage to move out. Third, allow yourself to fantasize about the life you can have without him. Imagine yourself our shopping alone, keeping a tidy house, hanging out with girlfriends, all the things you can't do now. Fourth, check out a website called "Are you dating a Loser" which will help you make the final break. I drove around in my car for hours practicing out loud what I wanted to say in my breakup speech. When I came home and found him smoking pot in my basement, after he swore he wasn't using, I was able to say to him "I don't want to be your girlfriend any more" and I meant it. I gave him 2 weeks to move out. He's out now, and I am much calmer, happier, and stronger. I still miss him, but I blocked his number on my phone so he can't call me. I'm just trying to keep really really busy so I can get over him and get back to my life. Good luck to all of you!

May 20, 2011
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been with him since the beginning but now...someone comes offering love...
by: Ronita Satriani

I married him back in 1991. it was love not money. My family were against it for they know I am more educated than he is and of course I am most of the time the bread winner but that doesn't stop me from loving him more and more...we have 4 beautful children.18,16,13 and 11. He has been drinking ever since I got to know him . I even joined him on special occasions but just for the sake of having great sex with him. He does go out and work which helped but as years passed his drinking has worsen. He drinks every single night before going home from work and continues at home.Along his drinking problem, he also cheated on me once which nearly ended us in divorce. I was so deeply hurt by this.There was this huge eruption which made me hate him and the other woman.Then we met the priest . I was determined to leave him but after being advised I decided to stay married for the sake of the children...Then he continues drinking. It took me 4 years to forgive him and of course there were fights along the long four years...Then back in 2009 he had a stroke. I took care of him for more than a week at the hospital. Prayed hard for his fast recovery. The children were left unattended. I thank God for two days after he was discharged he actually recovered! What a miracle...but out of my dissapointment, he started drinking right after that! I kept on telling him he should give it up but he didn't even hear what I say...I hate his smell and what more his breath...I always try to avoid from making love with him....I don't feel the urge anymore...I have lost it. but he keeps on wanting sex with me every night! I started to feel disgusted at the sight of him especially when he is drunk and what pissed me off is that whenever he is drunk , he keeps on falling down or banging on anything and always get hurt! I hate it when I have to take care of him when he is drunk!!!!He doesn't drink at day time though. but will get up looking like hell! Now, out of no where, a man came into my life..showering love on me...and it feels heaven to be loved and pampered...And...out of my anger for my husband of his drinking problem...I am actually head over heel in love with this man.....Please tell me that I am not wrong to love this man and leave my alcoholic and stubborn husband...

May 16, 2011
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Sounds so familiar
by: Angela

My heart goes out to you. I've been married to an alcoholic for 15 years. He is a brilliant, amazing man, but he has changed over the last 5 or 6 years. I love him, but I despise him at times. I blame myself for his problem. He was sober for 4 years, but we were just as unhappy as we were before. Our children are 19, 13, and 11, they love their dad, but hate his drinking. I am so torn between doing what I know is best for me, and them, to work on healing myself and focusing on my own demons, or to go back to the life I know , what feels "safe".

Apr 26, 2011
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Is there hope in the horizon?
by: Anonymous

"My Husband's Alcoholism is Tearing Our Family Apart: Should I Leave Him?" As I read every word and feelings put into this specific post, it felt as if I was the one who wrote it. It has expressed everything that I have experienced and continue to go through today, which includes the feeling of betrayal, resentment, hatred and love.

Is this our fate?

Apr 13, 2011
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at the end of the road
by: Anonymous

Hi i am the same and i never ever thought that i would be writing to say that i am in the same situation. My husband is the best when hes sober. He goes on binges every week. He will drink for 6 days straight but when i say that i mean he goes in the morning at 730, comes home for a sleep around 3 then leaves again at 5 and comes home after we are all in bed. He drink drives every day he drinks. Two years ago he had 4 car accidents in 8 months that last of which he ended up with 4 broken ribs and they sliced his liver. but 6 weeks after that he was back at the pub. He will not drink in the house so all his drinking is done in the pub. I have 4 young kids and they are starting to see him drunk. I think im a good mother as i do my best to hide it from them but sometimes i just cannot stand by without shouting at him.

I cannot disappoint my parents by telling them just how bad it is. His parents know but i think they think its not that bad and its just me exaggerating. I am totally drained. I have found out that i might have MS. Today i packed his bags and they are at the back door. Im taking the kids to Mc Donalds for dinner just so they are not in the house when he gets home.

Apr 05, 2011
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i finally left him.
by: jessica medina

I happy to know that im wasnt crazy alone on this I've been w/,y husband since i was 15yrs old and we have a 15yr old daughter my husband began drinking at age 14yrs and since then he
never stopped..he's has been controlling abusive verbally and physically for a very long time i;ve try to leave him so many times but end up back w/him..because i've notice he always knew how to convince me and manipulate me..he's stayed up til 1am til sometimes 3am i got tired up it..I recently found out were expecting again i was happy becuase we'd have been trying for yrs and finally i thought to myself maybe this time things will be different but only got worst he deny the baby saying ''its not his that really hurt me alot im wasn't expecting that reaction..i was hoping he said''im gonna try to change and not drink so much and i want to ..but it wasnt the reaction i was looking for due to that i decieded i need to move on i couldnt see me go through my pregnacy what i went through w/my first child..ive then moved going on 3weeks today that i've got my own place its very very hard there's times where i want to talk to him but my baby and daughter are the reason i moved and im doing it for them i hoping he realize that this time he;s got no other choice but to seek help if he loves us..Im scare he won;t but there's nothing i can do but pray to god he comes to a point where he;s had enough he hasn;t called me or our daughter since but in my heart i know i did the right choice.

Mar 27, 2011
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what to say.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
by: Anonymous

same story as mine i guess,i understand what hell u r going through.

Mar 23, 2011
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Broken
by: Anonymous

My husband of 19 years has always gone out 2 to 3 times a week if not more. He drinks when he's home or when he's out. He also rides a motorcycle. We have the constant fight about me worrying and him out riding and drinking.
I feel broken. I'm tired of the fighting. It seems to me there is always some fight as if a distraction so he can blame his going out drinking on me. He sometimes has me believing that I am crazy. His drinking has caused alot of pain and heartbreak. He has cheated on me a few times that I know of and blamed it on "he wasn't in a good place and admitted to drinking and said he would stop." That of course never happened.
I know we stand to lose alot if we separate but I think it's time to move on with my life. I love him with all my heart and would give anything in the world if he would love me as much as a drinking but I have come to realize that will never happen. That was a dream for the past 23 years.

Mar 10, 2011
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Done with him
by: Anonymous

I have been married to my husband for 13 years. We have a beautiful 7 year old boy. When he is not drinking he is an awesome father. I almost feel though I am just an extra body hanging around to clean up and do whatever he wants me to do. After being yelled at for 4 days every night I told him I am finished and I want a divorce. Of course he is still here and I am afraid to kick him out. He doesn't drive or socialize so he drinks at home. His family says he is not as bad as his father and at least it is just beer, but 18 beers every night! My own health is shakey and the house is a big mess because I am too tired and too depressed to clean it. I spend whatever energy is left over for my son. Please god give me the strength to do what I need to for myself and my son to have a happy and healthy life.

Jul 31, 2010
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It's only the depth that varies
by: Jo

With a heavy heart I have read all of your comments and wish like crazy that this horror was not part of our lives. Like so many I am weak I am afraid. I am considering the effects on all involved...but he has no thought for any of us when he is in his daily drunken stupor. I wish I could find tha strength to break away. I am totally exhausted from the melee

Jul 12, 2010
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lost in suffereing
by: Anonymous

i didn't know that my husband has drinking problem until after the marriage. i have lived with him for eleven years and have two wonderful kids. he is the best person i know when he's sober but worse when he's drunk. sometimes when he's stressed he would drink for days. he is a liar and hides and drink all the time. he is verbally abusive and yells and cuss in front of the kids when he's drunk. however, he is a great dad and kids absolutely love him. his drinking episodes drive me crazy. i can't concentrate at work. i know i want out but i can't afford the house and kids on my own. i've been living in this hell for years waiting for him to change one day. we fight and argue all the time. i'm so paranoid about his drinking that i stay mad and suspicious all the time. i'm feel so helpless. it's embarassing to tell family and friends what our real life is. how do you get out of this relationship when kids are involved. what do i do?

Jun 28, 2010
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i dont realy know what u shd do
by: Anonymous

my dad was an alcoholic and when he started throwing things at me, me and mum ran away. i live with my mum now and its good. i havent seen my dad for 9 years. i am glad to get away from him even if it means i have less luxuries than other teenagers at school. i live in quite a rough area so i am not that short of luxuires as london is currently in a resesion as u kno. most of my frends dont ask questions about my dad cos they know it streses me out. one benefit coming from a one parent family is i grew up really quickly, i learned to be very independent from a early age. this is good for me, but bad for my mum cos she has to work long hours and she doesnt see me as much as she used to. a bad thing is its very distresing. fathers day adverts on telly still make me cry now and then when no ones around.

Jun 21, 2010
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Leaving an alcoholic spouse
by: Anonymous

I'm sitting here at work on my personal laptop trying to find answers. My husband is a severe alcoholic and he just violated his probation for a 2nd DUI offense. What makes it worse is that he knew he had a breathalizer test late in the afternoon and he still chose to drink at noon. He says that he's just been stressed out and wasn't thinking. GIVE ME A BREAK! THIS IS NOT A SLAP ON THE WRIST! I'm finally realizing that I need to get out. We have been married for 2 years and we have 2 young children, ages 5 and 2. He's about to go back to jail again and there's no telling for how long. I have been enabling him for years and I wish I had left him a long time ago. I just feel like he has screwed up his life all together. He not only has DUI's but felonies and misdemanors on his record. Sometimes I ask myself, why did I get with him? The answer is because I was a young naive lonely female. I had been rejected by several young men and I was looking for acceptance from any man. My husband provided me that acceptance and I overlooked his alcohol problem because he was fun to party with. He also didn't try to sleep with me on our first date. I didn't think far enough ahead about how he would be as a father. I alway's thought our love would solve his alcohol addiction. Now I realize that he will never change and I have to be the one to make the change for the better for my sake and the kids.

Jun 05, 2010
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still there!
by: Anonymous

Wow!! I too looked up this site because I figured there were probably people in same situation. Just didnt think it would be soooo similar!!! My husband lives and works in another state. Probably so he can drink without me mking him feel like the piece of crap he is!! He says he wants to move back home because his job ended. after his last awful visit I know this would NEVER work out!! I know I need to protect my kids from this sadistic selfish man, but Im afraid of what hell do when I tell him this. Hes always known me to be a doormat, but I think Im gonna tell him "fine come home, but well have to sell our house and go our seprate ways because I will not subject my kids to that!! To those of you who wrote that you regret not leaving and what t did to your kids, Thanks!! It has really opened my eyes to what I MUST do!!! Pray for me:)

May 31, 2010
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Husband just arrested for DWI
by: Anonymous

I have only been married for 6 years and been with my alcoholic/drug addict husband for 7.5 years. I am a stay at home mom with two children, 20 months and 5 years. I live in my mother in law's house with her and my sister in law. I have no family they are all out of state. He was in AA about three times and I left him for one month while i was 7.5 months pregnant. I had found him in a bar doing cocaine in the bathroom and drinking. During that time i stayed out of state with my parents. Since my return almost two years ago he has relapsed with alcohol/pot three times the last time just this past friday resulting in a dwi arrest. He was also fired from two jobs and is currently working at a third. As i sit here and right the truth it is almost unbelievable that this is my life. I grew up in a healthy, well to do family in a upper middle class town and have a college/graduate degree. I saw him through a disability and multiple spinal surgeries and finally giving up pain and prescription drugs and going in and out of addictions. It is very painful most of all for the pain I foresee my children going through in the future if he does not straighten out. I will leave him withing the next 6 months most likely. I will need to find a job and an apartment etc. I know I'm not the first person and won't be the last person to live with and marry an alcoholic/addict but I never imagined in my wildest dreams i'd be sitting here and writing this.

May 19, 2010
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Nearly Double A Life Good/Bad
by: Anonymous

I have been living with a drinker since i was 23, im now 47 my husband is 11 years older than me. I beleive drink became a problem when he was retired from work (2005) due to ill health, as he had no commitment to work the alcohol took over and he became an alcoholic. Previous to his retirement when he had a drink he became abbusive and violent. I am ashamed to say i have brought up 2 children through this abbusive volatile relationship, and now regret to say they are both suffering emotinally. My son of 19 is on anti-depressants and my daughter of 15 is seeing a child physchologist and will not attend school.

Since yet another dissapointing christmas of yule tide and cheer past. My husband realised he had over induldged and asked me seek medical help. I contacted the Dr for a house call. My husband felt so ill that he addmitted he needed help for drink. Our Dr put him on a 7 day detox course, to my dismay this did not work he just doubled his quota. Things came to a head as he carried on destroying himself and our family. He was found unconcious in his car with alcohol in the glove compartment. A concerned neighbour reported a slumped man at the wheel of his car to the police. He got a 3 month ban that would have been alot more due to the alcohol reading, if he had not used his illness in his defence. Since then he made a decision to yet again go on the same detox course, as he has been given a last chance by me. He has promised (yet again) the whole family that he is doing this for himself and that all he wants is to get his son and daughter back on track and he really wants things to be normal for himself.

After 25 years of being in love but not truly knowing who he is. I am begining to question is it love? or is it just me being selfish and not wanting to be on my own?

This is the killer question. In my hearts of hearts i still believe he is drinking. I have no proof. How can i make a decision to throw him out when it may just be me and my insecurities or his withdrawal symptoms from alchol.

Please can you reply with some ideas on what i should do.

May 18, 2010
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I AM THERE TWO
by: Anonymous

I AM THERE TO BUT THE ONLY PROBLEM I DRINK AS WELL AND HAVE STARTED DRINKING MORE TO GET RID OF THE PAIN I WANT TO LEAVE OR HIM TO LEAVE BUT DONT KNOW HOW I DONT LIKE ME ANYMORE

May 11, 2010
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He is an alcoholic and I know I should leave
by: Anonymous

The broken promises, the poor behaviour, the blame etc.

He can go without drink and in fact when he is sober he is the most wonderful and considerate person I know. That is the person I love and believe in. The other person, the demonic drunk who is verbally abusive and plain ugly to be around, is the person that I now know I must leave.

I need to leave for my own well being. I am scared but I have to break through my fear for the serenity to which I know I am entitled.

If I behaved like to did he would flip out, yet I am supposed to just take it. Well no more.

I am fed up with the broken promises. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. Some how he continually sucks me in with his promises. I continue to believe him and then feel hurt and betrayed when he doesn't follow through.

While I intend walking away, I am doing it slowly. I guess I am hoping that it will jolt him into seeing how this drinking is impacting on our relationship and that he may want to save our marriage but I know that I am living in fools paradise to believe that. I am also hoping that by doing it slowly I will gain the strength I need to continue moving forward to a live separate from him.

Reading other comments makes me sad to see there are so many other people out there enduring a similar situation. Just how sad is that.

May 08, 2010
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My husband alchoholic
by: Anonymous

Here I am waiting for my husband to come home again after so many broken promises he will still come home between 2-5am. How do you ever get them to stop the drinking and partying will anything ever change I wish I had the will power to leave him. Oh lord give me strength!

Apr 29, 2010
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Considering separation myself
by: Anonymous

Your story reads like mine in so many ways. We have been married for eight years (first time for both) and don't have any children. His drinking was severely out of control for the first 4 1/2 years of our marriage, when we should have been planning a family. I have a good friend living through this hell with a son and could NEVER go through with raising a family with an alcoholic partner. I went through A LOT of rage and am now just bitter, resentful, anxious and depressed (even left my last job because of the depression at the end of 2004). I was in therapy for a bit (we even did joint for a bit), but nothing sticks when there is no desire to change. As a result of the drinking, he now has moderate to severe fatty liver and is glucose impaired (nearly pre-diabetic), and has gained 20 lb of belly fat in the past three years as a result. Things changed for the better between the second half of 2006 up until the end of 2009. He has a VERY stressful job and admits he is depressed. He does nothing about any of this and has no clue about self-care (which stems from self-love). Lately (since Jan/Feb 2010) he's taken to having a blow out at least once a week. Lots of opportunities through work and now hockey playoffs. This whole situation is isolating and we don't socialize with family or friends (I maintain some close and supportive friendships). We are leaving for an anniversary trip to Maui this Saturday which should prove to be a wonderful "distraction", but my heart is hardly in it. I want to just dump my pain all over him. I am ready to go to therapy again because I am SO STUCK in negativity. I am thinking of asking him to move out (I work from home and cannot move my office). The worst part is our plans for the future will be over. We have such a solid plan, but all I feel is tremendous anxiety and bitterness, never hopeful or happy. I'm not sure I even feel love for him anymore (and sometimes I even feel hatred) because of the disappointment from ENDLESS BROKEN PROMISES to change. I guess I am ambivalent. I am not a drinker, druggie or cheater, so just internalize it all and become severely depressed. Sometimes I feel like harming myself the pain is unbearable, but that is fleeting and I would never do anything out of fear of shame upon myself. I don't think I'm even attracted to my husband anymore. He is self-centered and ignores me a great deal (he watches 4 hours of TV a night and rarely asks me about what I did in a given day). I realize this is largely due to his depression, but for f*ck sakes, get some help already. I realize that I am married to a broken-down piece of meat that is morphing into a boring old man and I'm not happy about that one bit. How is that for bitter?! Good luck to all struggling with this problem. I pray for you my sisters (and brothers). Peace!

Apr 19, 2010
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Same boat
by: Anonymous

Same problem here. Stayed in this for 8 Years and found the guts to move out a 1 year and half ago. What a mess ! I was crazy and stayed in the same apartment complex and he went nuts and smashed in my window. He promised of course for the 100 times he will stop, after he crashed the car!. Me and my daugher that is 13 now are still waiting, while he was evicted from two more places before he moved in with his mother!He never paid all his bills. I love him very much, but I am so glad to finally have peace and quiet now. It was hard go leave , I felt I was failing and was hoping he would see what he is doing to himself and his family, it made me mad that the alcohol was winning, but I learned that an addict is a very selfish and sick person. You can not make someone stop anything there dont want to do . I give up on him, but not on me and my child. Life is to short to waist on a man that will never grow up.

Apr 14, 2010
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Broken
by: Fran

I too have been married for 20 years to a man that is an alcoholic. I have tolerated his drinking long enough. He doesnt drink at home and is a good man when he is with me. When he drinks he stays at the bar or at work until late at night and never answered my texts or calls. I have seen a few pics of women on his phone and know that he has contacted at least one woman that works at the bar. I had my last straw this past weekend and went to stay with my mother. Our kids are adults but I still feel guilty that they want us to stay together. My husband tells me that he is gonna stop and be one of those guys that does it on his own. I have asked him to stop or at least slow down many times and dont really believe him. In all actuality I love him but dont really think he is gonna change. I dont even know if I can handle anymore. I just want a life without feeling 2nd to alcohol. He askes me to come back home because I belong with him but truthfully I dont want to go home. My life is so much more peaceful right now. On the other hand I feel like I have to go home because I am the one who gave him the ultimatum about quitting. I wanna just tell him that I am done but I dont want him to make it worse on himself and drink until something really bad happens. I gave him two phone numbers to call for help but I know he wont do it and I dont think I should make the call. I made myself an appointment so that I can clear my head. If anyone has anything to say that can possibly help me in my decision please writh to me. Thank You

Jan 22, 2010
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my husband is an alcoholic and we are now separated!
by: Anonymous

I am a military wife and mother of 2 beautiful little girls ages 7 and 3 my husband has been drinking since we have been dating in 1996, i was only 16 so at that the time i was thinking this is no big deal,2000 rolled around we got married and went to our first duty station the drinking picked up and lasted til 2001 then we moved overseas wasy from family and we had our first child in 2002. The drinking picked up big time and it was a rough time from 2002-2005 he drank like crazy then we moved back to the states, i started school and everything was good, then i got pregnant again with our second babygirl in 2005 then gave birth september 6th 2006 happiest day of my life he was gone out to sea at the time then he finally came home x-mas that year everything was perfect, then he left again and was finally home march 2007 yippy! So we picked him up came home and was happy for a while then the drinking picked up again, ugh omg right? anywho times were tuff financially we weren't doing so good so we decided that me and the kids should move away with my family to save some money for a while then may of 2008 he had to leave again, he came home after being gone for 6 months in november 2008 everything was so perfect i missed and loved him so much it was great for a long while then it picked up again and lasted til 2009 wow, christmas 2009 was a nightmare then after that i figured it out he won't stop drinking i need to leave so i did, we are now separated not talking about a divorce but it's not looking to good the years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse it's now 2010 should i stay or go?????

Jan 14, 2010
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In the same boat...
by: That post is me!

I too, feel like I could have written that post except my husband isn't going out drinking at night mainly because he doesn't really know anyone to go out and do it with since we moved out of state.

I have rode this alcoholic roller coaster for 15 years (13 years of marriage), we have 3 children, and I have had enough.

His last binge when he was working away from home, resulted with him ending up in a hotel room with another woman and talking to her for days on end until I saw the cell phone bill and caught him.
I let him come home after that, and he vowed not to drink anymore. He didn't "need" AA and could do it on his own. He did, for 7 months, until we went home for the holidays and he got around people he used to drink with. I wasn't with him and he drank a 12 pack of beer. When I found out, we got in a huge fight, I told him he had to leave when we got back home, he flew home early, and said he would move out. That all changed when he got home and probably took a xanax. He miraculously went to a couple AA meetings, called me and told me how he saw alcoholism from a different point of view and how much he liked the meetings. I gave him yet ANOTHER chance.
I came home New Years Day with the kids, and here it is Jan 14 and he has not attended another meeting. He "attempted" and no one was at the meeting he attempted to go to. He didn't try another one at a different time or anything.

I feel at this point, he has let us down for the last time. I cannot FORCE him to go to AA, he needs to go because HE wants to go. I do not want to be the nagging wife who has to tell a grown man the right thing to do. By now, he knows what the right thing is...I know it may not sound like a big deal that he drank beer one time, but it is to me. It has been such a problem throughout our marriage that I cannot take it anymore.

I feel my only option is A. to live with it and wait for the next episode to rip our lives apart, or B. tell him he didn't follow through and he has to leave.

Dec 11, 2009
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My husband also is an alcoholic
by: Dryeyes

I feel like I can do nothing right. No matter how hard I work or what I do for him, he still continues to drink. We are going to classes to help us both understand why he drinks and why it bothers me. This is the last straw for me. I don't drink or smoke and it is draining me emotionally. I too love this man very much but I am at a time in my life that I want to enjoy what I have left without a drunk greeting me at the door when I have worked hard all day and just want to relax. I do not feel like my home is my home anymore it is a prison. I don't want to come home anymore because I don't know if he will be Dr Jeckl or Mr Hyde. I have been pushed, kicked, thrown things at, lied too, called names, had my truck windshield busted. I have had cracked ribs, bruises, and excrusiating pain. Why put up with this, because I do love him and I don't want to be alone. But I think I would be better off.

Oct 22, 2009
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Inspiring
by: Anonymous

I am glad to have found this. Thank you so much. I am in a similar situation right now. petmeds

Oct 10, 2009
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left behind
by: Anonymous

my husband dropped us off at the theatre tonight went home drank too much and wouldn't pick me and my 4 and 9 yr old girls....how could he do this I cannot stand this psyco cycle my dad was an alckie..I will not let this cycle continue with my girls after 4 years and too many broken promises..and after having to cry in front of the theatre waiting for a cab to bring me and my girls home...NO MORE!!!!!!!!!

Oct 05, 2009
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Win Win Situation
by: Anonymous

I do the same by getting mad and I feel that I am driving my husband away by my attitude and behaviour. In order to make thinks better for our family I feel I must change myself rather than throw harsh words towrds him. I need to sit down with him and negotiate what I want for me and what we want for our family and for himself and come to some agreement before I can leave.
I;ll let you know what happens and if it will work.

fed up.

Sep 15, 2009
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could have wrote this myself
by: Anonymous

except I have the same aged kids but 4 kids total. (7 year old twins, 5 and 1).

And oh, mine drinks at night at home.

I think you should leave again. I am planning on leaving myself. I will not stick around this behavior any longer. I get in the same cycle over and over again and then end up feeling hurt and betrayed. I now know what I do to be in the sick cycle and the best thing I can do for my kids is to live a healthy life seperate from this craziness.

I wish you the best and am praying for you and especially your kids.

Jul 24, 2009
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My Husband's alcoholism DID tear our family apart: I LEFT HIM
by: Anonymous

Wow, can I relate! I am a year past your same thoughts; I finally left last August after 23 years of marriage to a man I guess I never really knew. I found your post because obviously I am not fully over all that has transpired. I search the web to find if anyone can relate and sadly there are many of us.

I too wonder if I over reacted, gave enough thought, etc. But the nights waiting up in wonder of if, when or how he would come home became too much for me to bare. Inow know I stayed out of fear of being alone, however, I was already alone in our marriage.

I just want you to know I truly understand what you are feeling and I am sorry for the pain this has caused you. I wish you happiness and peace in which ever road you choose <3

Jun 16, 2009
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Looking in the Mirror
by: Anonymous

I don't normally comment on blogs, but I felt like I wrote that myself. Is our situation really as common as it seems right now? Thanks for sharing your story and the comments after. I think I can unfreeze and finally make a move.

May 23, 2009
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Something has to change
by: C-P

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your pain and know how difficult what you're going through must be.

The way it seems to me is that your husband doesn't have to experience any real consequences for his ongoing drinking. Sure you get angry at him etc. - but apart from that it seems he can carry on the way he does without having to worry too much about the effect his drinking has on you and the kids.

The time you did create a consequence - i.e. the separation - seems like he suddenly realised he had something to lose and so was prepared to address his problem.

So if that worked before - my feeling is that you should look to do something again whereby the consequence of his continued drinking will mean he has something to lose. It may be to separate again? Or have you tried an intervention yet - which can be an extremely powerful way if done properly to get a person into treatment?

Bottom line is - if you do nothing - nothing changes. At some point you have to adopt a tough love approach. Draw a line in the sand and say this is it. But more importantly think of yourself and the kids and what will be best for you. Because the way things are is obviously not healthy for them.

Get back to Al Anon meetings ASAP - to get the strength and support from others who understand what you're going through. And then decide on a course of action. You were on the right track before - but didn't follow through. This time there can be no turning back.

And then if your husband then still isn't prepared to get proper help and address his problem, you'll know that for your sake and the children's there is no going back. Not at least until he's gotten sober and been so for a period of time.

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