My Husband's an Alcoholic. How Do I Keep My Family from Trying to Control Him?

by Lorraine
(New Jersey)

After three bouts with drinking himself into a stupor the last time he agreed to go to detox and addiction. While there he had a seizure and had a good scare. He came home and went to his AA meetings.

Recently he only goes to a meeting occasionally. Recently he has started having a drink on the week end - Yes just one drink for now at least. My three adult children are fed up but I explained to them that no one can control another person especially an alcoholic.

I just ignore him and have decided to let him bury himself. He will get no more help from me. My children are punishing me by not wanting to come around for holidays. My only sibling I have ... a brother has been very interfering.

He comes over and last Sunday my husband had a drink in front of him. He began mumbling under his breath and watched TV all day without saying a word to anyone. He also proceeded to inform my eldest son that his dad had a drink. I don't want to confront him right now because of the holiday coming up and our mom is 87 yrs old.

She is very family oriented and gets upset if my brother and I don't get along. My mom and my brother are the only family beside my children that I have. I cannot help any of them understand that getting angry and not coming around at least to be with me is one way they are trying to control their father's drinking which no one can do except the person who is drinking. Any suggestions?

Answer

Hi Lorraine

You're totally correct in saying that no one can control your husband and his drinking. But that doesn't mean the rest of your family can't show their unhappiness by his drinking again, by not wanting to come around etc.

In effect they are creating consequences for your husband, which can be a good thing. They're basically saying they're not prepared to watch your husband effectively kill himself any longer.

The problem unfortunately here is that you are caught in the middle of all this and it's causing strain on your relationships with the rest of your family.

You may then have to arrange to see your children and brother in places away from your home, so that you can still maintain your relationship with them. And in doing so you should make it clear to your husband why you're doing that. That's not controlling - simply making him aware of the effects his continued drinking is having on family relations.

If you're suddenly out spending time with your family members, your husband might start noticing things at home are awfully quiet and lonely, which might then motivate him to take his recovery more seriously.

Your children and brother are free to choose with whom and where they spend their time, so respect that. The main thing is however not to let what your husband does effect your relationship with them, so you need to communicate that to them and then arrange to spend time with them away from your home if need be.

And if your husband starts seeing no one wants to be around him anymore if he drinks, it might help him view his attempt at alcoholism recovery with greater importance.

Best of Luck

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