My Husband's Drinking Has Destroyed Our Lives
by P
I have been married for 9 years now. When I first met my husband, I was 18 years old, and he was 22. I moved 2 hours away from my mother, to my fathers house. I didn't have many friends, and I was suffering from depression. The one girlfriend I did have introduced me to my husband.
We drank and partied every time we were together but I figured this was normal for kids our age. He was a very caring person, and I hit it off with his family, and felt like I belonged some where for the first time in my life. I got pregnant with my son right after we met, and he would go out and drink, and I wouldn't know where he was.
I would scream and cry at him when he got home. I was dysfunctional as well. I didn't drink but I had major anger issues that stemmed from childhood issues. He would act like a jerk when he was drunk and I would get angry and end up punching him or something. It would turn into a destructive episode.
We continued this cycle of him getting drunk and me getting angry, then it would turn into fist fights. I would hit him, and he would hit me back. I thought it was my anger issues that were the problem, and if I could just get control over my anger, things would be fine. I became very resentful of him after my son came home from the hospital and he wasn't there to help me, I was only 18, and my son had medical issues at the time.
But, my husband would always put the alcohol before me and his son. So the resentment just kept building and building. I was alone in a grubby little apartment at 18 years old crying my eyes out, and feeling so very very alone in taking care of my little baby. We have been through everything you can think of. My son (9yrs old) has seen things nobody should ever have to witness, especially from their parents.
However, over the years I have begun to change, I have the ability to see my faults and I want to try to change them. For many years I had no idea of how to change, but slowly I began working through many of the issues I had. I began to mature and grow as a person, while my husband stayed the same.
I believe that alcohol has a way of keeping a person stuck right where they are, they don't have the ability to grow and develop as a person. So as I worked through my issues and became a more balanced person. I finally said to my husband a couple of years ago, that's it. I refuse to become violent with you no matter what you do. I don't want our son to see one more violent fights between us. And, for the most part the violence has stopped.
I still feel like punching him when he comes home drunk, and says and does terrible things but I always remember my son which stops me. When he is drunk he will call me a whore, and say very mean things to me, for no reason at all. He will come in my bedroom when I am sleeping, wake me up, and start harassing me. I tell him to just leave me alone and go to sleep, this seems to make him angry, and then he starts yelling and breaking things in the house, for what seems to me, no real reason at all.
It hurts me very much, and I wonder why I even bother trying to make a good life for us anymore, when he doesn't seem to care about anything, even himself. It is not just me who he says mean things to, he says them to my son. That literally breaks my heart. I can't stand watching my sons feelings get hurt. Then, the next day he either won't remember what he said, or he will say he's sorry and expect everything to be fine, he expects me to just forgive him like that. And, the resentment grows.
I love the person my husband is when he is sober, but I really hate the man he is when he is drunk (he usually gets drunk at least 3 times a week). I want a better life now that I am a little older and a little wiser. He doesn't seem to get it. I have changed and he has not. He always promises me that he will cut down on his drinking or he won't be mean to me or my son when he's drinking, but he always ends up hurting us anyway. I keep waiting for him to grow up.
This last binge episode had me at my breaking point, I told him to leave. He was going to leave. Then, I became frightened because of my own insecurities and told him we could talk about it. Of course he told me he would cut way down on his drinking. So I forgave him. That was last week, now I am depressed and feel like he will do it again, and how am I supposed to know if he is telling the truth this time, or if he really is going to change?
I always tell myself I could deal with his drinking if he just wouldn't get so mean, then he promises he won't be mean and I believe him. I have never lived by myself, except for a brief 2 months when we split up once, and I was extremely depressed, and almost couldn't function. So I stay. I try to find things that will make me happy. I try to accept him for who he is, I feel like if I can somehow accept it, things will be ok.
Am I delusional? It seems like I put alot of pressure on myself. I don't have any friends, and my mother and sister live 2 hrs away. Lately, I have been thinking about packing up and moving down there, but am very scared that I will become extremely depressed like before, or I won't have enough money to make it, or I won't make any friends, and will feel very lonely. I worry my son will be lonely too. What do I do? Please, I need some advise from someone in a similar situation.
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