My Life Dealing With Addicted Men

Recently I got the news that an ex boyfriend, my first love, someone I was with for almost 5 years, hung himself because of his struggles with addiction and his troubles with the law.

He had gone to prison for several years charged with dealing meth. He was a meth addict. I had not seen him in almost 20 years. Our relationship back then was really good in the beginning. But it slowly turned bad and I think I can identify when it all started to change.

I believe he started to take the drugs when we were together as a couple, but he hid it from me. I eventually walked away from the relationship because I couldn't take the pain. He would want nothing to do with me one day and then I'd get a diamond ring the next. I was so confused and heartbroken so many times over and over again.

Being young I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know it was drugs, depression, anxiety, etc. I just knew that he rejected me ... but wouldn't let me go either. He was choosing a life of drugs, alcohol, and partying over me. Eventually I stopped calling him and he continued on his path of destruction. He wrecked many cars ... one with me in it.

I finally went into a mode of self preservation. I loved him ... but our relationship was toxic to me. People told me how he was doing over the years and it wasn't good. He ended up in prison for drugs. When he got out of prison, he tried to get his life back on track.

He found me on Facebook and sent me an apology letter for the way he treated me in the past. I forgave him in my response and he thanked me. We kept it short. At this point when he sent me the letter, I had a husband of 17 years and 2 young children, so I was very nervous to start any type of dialogue with my ex since I knew he had been in prison and hooked on drugs.

I didn't know him anymore. But was this a cry for help? I thought it was a 12 steps amends letter. Thought if I forgave him and wished him well ... it would be enough. Now I think I should've said more. He ended up getting hooked on xanax and getting a dui, since he was on parole ... it wasn't a good thing. He was faced with having to go back to prison and refused to go back so hung himself.

He never married. I am the last long term relationship he had. I've been told he never got over it. I am struggling with the pain I am feeling. I had not had feelings about him for all these years and now all of a sudden it feels like yesterday that we were together. The pain is so real and I don't know why since it has been so long.

I am grateful for the letter he sent ... I wish I would've seen it as a cry for help and engaged in a conversation ... but I didn't. I thought it meant he was finally on the right path. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. We have had our struggles, but he is doing very well ... works the program and has become very spiritual.

I feel guilty that my ex didn't have that chance ... that he couldn't cope and didn't make it. I wish he would've had a spouse or someone in his life that could've helped him. His sister did all she could to help ... but it wasn't enough. It's just so strange that I am feeling this type of sadness for someone that was out of my life for so many years. Is this normal?

We went through a lot together during some very impressionable years. I am wishing that we could have remained friends and that I could've been a support to help get him off the drugs. Looking back, he had a really tough childhood and started drinking very early. He was depressed, had social anxiety ... but he had a good heart and a kind soul... until the drugs came into play.

I just want to forget about him. I'm tired of him still hurting me after all these years. I just want to love my husband and move past this. I hate addiction. It stole my ex from me back then and now from his family. It almost stole my husband from me and my kids and could still if I am not careful. It is a constant battle.

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