My Life Is a Lie

Day after day, I live my life with a smile on my face. All my friends ask if I'm fine, but I just reply, "I'm fine, just tired." Just lying to everyone on my life ... my friends, my teachers, I even keep some things from family.

It pains me to see my dad, drunk, hiding in our basement. He doesn't understand that I try to stay away from him when he is drunk. It scares me to see him, arguing with my mom.

Sure everyone sees my life perfect, but it's not, it isn't possible to leave at the time. We have so many plans: my brother and my braces, my scholarship program, and yet ... I feel like I'm stuck in a circle, always looping back to that one problem of my dad's alcoholism.

I want to scream out the truth, but I'm scared. Scared of all the profanities in my life, of what others will think, what they'll do. When I see my mom cry herself to sleep ... I just can't bear to see her with all this pain.

I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I wish that I could just go to sleep and never wake up; all this pressure from school and home are dragging me down.

Over the last few months, I have been so depressed about things, that I almost committed suicide. I had already gone emo, cutting my arms, just to show the pain, but it just did not help.

I was lucky enough though to talk to one of my dear friends, telling her how I felt. "I want to die." I had told her, "The pain is so ... crazy that I wrote all of this."

I showed her my journal, it was full of goodbye letters to friends and family, it had images of me ... Killing myself, and it also had so many plans on how I could commit suicide: drowning, hanging, shooting, walking down a busy road, cutting my throat.

That's how insane I became from all the pressure of my dad, along with my grades dropping in school (since I was so worried about my dad drinking and my mom crying). All I have to say to fellow teens ... stay strong with the alcoholic in your family, and don't go down the same road they went down.