My Out of Control Son and His Drug Addiction. He's Being Arrested Regularly and I Don't Know What To Do?

by Rachel
(UK)

I need some advice please, my son who has just turned 20, has gone completely off the rails in last year. He has dropped out of college, split up with girlfriend of 5 years, stolen money off me, been fired from his job, and lies to me all the time.

It was his birthday last week and I have found court papers saying that he was in court on his birthday, for possession of cannabis and an offensive weapon, he has been sentenced to community service. I have also found other bits of paper from the police where he has been stopped and searched and arrested on other occasions. Always for the same thing. Drugs.

He is not coming home at night at all, ignores my calls and texts most of the time, and is involved with some very dodgy people. When I do see him and ask why he is not coming home, I don't get much of an answer just that he is staying at various friends houses.

He has taken to sneaking back into my house during the day whilst I am at work, I can go weeks without seeing him and him ignoring my calls. I have read his facebook and he is openly talking about taking drugs and being arrested on there.

Its breaking my heart all this, I do not understand what is going on and why he is treating me like the enemy. I have told him I know about the court etc. and that I love him still and will not shout, but he is still absent for weeks at a time.

My friends have advised me to change the locks on my house, which I have done, I don't want him bringing these scummy people he is mixing with into my home, which he has been doing, as my neighbours told me they saw him.

I have told him I have changed the locks as I have security worries, I have not blamed him, I have said if he needs to get in, give me a text and I will be here. Have also told him he is welcome home anytime as he is loved.

Maybe I am not being tough enough, but I don't want to push him away. I really do not know what to do for the best?

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Answer

Hi Rachel

The sad reality is that there isn't much you can do. If your son doesn't want to change his destructive behaviour, nothing you say or do will make much of a difference.

You see, overcoming drug addiction and all its related delinquent behaviour like stealing, requires the desire to do so. And until your son develops that desire, he's simply going to carry on.

The only way your son is likely to change is once the consequences of his current addictive and destructive choices becomes bad enough - that he reaches his own 'bottom' and from there realises he needs to turn his life around.

So you need to make sure you allow him to take full responsibility and be totally accountable for all his decisions, no matter how bad a position they end up putting him in. And if that means he has to sit in jail for any length of time, so be it.

Unfortunately there is no easier way. You've done the right thing by changing the locks. But I think you also need to be totally clear with your son how you feel about his behaviour and what your boundaries are in relation to those. Your son needs to know you're not going to protect him or be the easy way out for him if he gets himself into trouble.

Hopefully at some point he realises what he's doing and makes the decision to change, with professional help if need be. But until that point, you just have to let him learn his lessons and be accountable for the choices he makes, however bad they turn out to be.

As much as you want to protect him, we each have our destiny to fufill and learn our lessons from life, whatever they may be. So you have to learn how to become healthily detached so your son's behaviour doesn't derail you from your own life and happiness.

Best of Luck

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