Same Life, Different Day

by Kelly

So, I guess I'm an alcoholic. I took one of those online questionnaires--12 out of 20 (apparently three indicates a problem). Hell, I figure taking the test indicates a problem! Reading other stories online, the only thing unique about my story is that I started drinking pretty late--after I got divorced.

I rarely have one drink. I often drink to excess and when I wake up, I usually have a panic attack. Bad things happen--I smashed my car, sleep with inappropriate men, woke up with a black eye, woke up not remembering the end of the night. I am always overwhelmed with guilt and shame.

Sometimes the next day, I'll just stop in my office and have to practice breathing .... What if someone finds out what I've done? What if I have an STD? What if I've given someone an STD? What if I'm pregnant? What if embarrassing pictures I texted get posted on the internet? How can I possibly survive the humiliation. I hate myself. I want to die rather than face the consequences.

So, I don't drink. Sometimes it lasts a day. Sometimes several. Hell, I made it over 7 months once. But usually--if,I'm lucky--it lasts until Friday or Saturday night. I live alone. I don't have many friends in the town where I live. I haven't had a real relationship since I got divorced nearly 15 years ago. I'm lonely. And I fill the void by drinking wine.

I wouldn't mind drinking socially ... except that I have a tendency not to stop. Then I say stupid things. Do stupider things. A little public drunken behavior never hurt anyone, right? Just a little bruise to the ego for my lack of self-control. But social drinking leads to alone drinking which leads to a few hours of numbness and days of regret.

My mother once told me to just practice moderation. Really, Mom? I never f---ing thought of that! Moderation! Of course! (slap to the forehead). Dad isn't much help either. He admits that he "occasionally drinks too much." Hmmm? Is that why he always travels with at least a gallon of vodka and is usually three sheets to the wind by 6:00 pm?

And my friends? Well, let's face it. They don't want me to be an alcoholic. They want me to drink like them. It makes them uncomfortable when I stop drinking.

So there you go. My very run of the mill story. I drink. I feel bad. I stop (maybe). I drink again. Only problem is the cycle seems to be getting worse. Or just in getting older, I've grown pathetically tired of it.

I wonder if I'll drink tonight?