Should I Divorce My Husband Newly in Recovery from Alcoholism?

by Linda
(Scottsdale AZ)

I have been married to my husband for 12 years. He is an alcoholic. 6 months ago he got sober and has been in recovery and attending AA meetings working with a sponsor.

He got an apartment without asking me and moved out. He needed peace and serenity. He also consulted an attorney. I am in counseling alone and with him and attending Al-Anon. I was calling him all the time and sending endless texts to him which just pushed him away further.

I have stopped calling him and apologized for the harassment. I am not sure what to do or if he needs space in order to stay clean...

Answer

Hi Linda

The fact that your husband is in recovery and working at it is a positive and encouraging sign because it shows he's serious about turning his life around.

For many new in recovery, it can seem that their entire focus is on that, and spouses or partners may sometimes feel neglected. Don't take it personally, and understand that's simply part of the process he needs to go through.

For now give him the space he needs, but don't be afraid to also at some point voice what you need from him, so that you both know where you stand. A successful relationship is about communication so being able to communicate your needs is also important.

The fact that he's now serious about his recovery and living a life of sobriety means it seems premature to be thinking about divorce. Surely a husband who's sober is much better than one in the middle of active addiction?

Yes, some couples do grow apart, but I think it's a bit early to be making massive calls on your relationship. Give it time, and hopefully once he's more settled in his recovery, he'll be able to make more space for you again, rather than everything being directed towards his recovery. Balance is something one eventually learns as one progresses in recovery.

For now, focus on what you need to do to make you happy. Find your own life. Make peace with what's happened in the past. If your husband can sense you're also progressing and changing, it may make it easier for him to open up to you about the changes he's going through.

Al-Anon are an excellent support network, so make sure you tap into the people there for encouragement. You may also want to look at whether you are in fact struggling with codependency and what you need to do to learn how to have a healthy relationship because would have been impossible to do that when your husband was in active addiction.

This is very much a stage of change and uncertainty, so rather than resist it, embrace the process and let things unfold as they're meant to, trusting that everything will work out for the best in the end.

Good Luck and God Bless

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