Should I let My Husband have a Drink Again???

by Dorina
(BC)

I have been married for 8 years now. My husband and I have two amazing boys 5 and 7. He is an awesome father to them. When we got together the first summer there was a LOT of drinking! We have alcoholics on both sides of our families.

Over the years it seems the alcohol has got worse, not every day. Every weekend flats upon flats of beer. I would wake up around 2am to find him gone to find someone to drink with. He works in camp - 21d in 21d out.

This past summer he had a friend visit us who he hasn't seen in 11 years, this is my first time meeting him. I have never seen my husband like this before there was a twenty sixer of booze gone in half an hour followed with a lot of beer.

He wanted to have sex with me in front of them while our kids were still up in the house playing with there kids. I asked him who he thought he was and why he was acting like this. He doesn't even hold my hand in public.

That night when kids were all in bed my husband decided to start to wrestle with this guy's wife. His friend decided to wrestle with me!! I was scared and sad - there was my husband on top of another women not caring about what was going on with me, and I was in a dangerous position and couldn't move or yell.

Things never went all the way, luckily I was able to break free and run to the house. In the morning my husband was still drunk and excited about the night before - he loved it. He said it was like we were cheating but it was ok because we were both there.

I was also abused sexually by my father. The two men that are in my life that are supposed to protect and love me hurt me bad. I told him how scared I was and if he ever brought alcohol into the house again I was going to leave. It has been 4 months now and he has not touched a drop.

He is hinting on drinking again and says there is nothing to look forward to anymore? Do I let him have a drink?

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Answer

Hi Dorina

That's a really difficult question. Your husband totally betrayed your trust acting the way he did when that friend of his visited. So you definitely did the right thing about giving him an ultimatum about his drinking.

The danger if he starts drinking again is that something like this may happen again. Is that something you're prepared to risk? Because with your husband drinking the large volumes he generally does, it doesn't sound like he can control his drinking once he starts - and that's one of the signs of alcoholism.

So it seems far better, not only for the sake of your relationship, but also for the sake of your husband's health - that he doesn't drink at all. And you can try and get around the 'nothing to look forward to' excuse by finding other social type things to do where alcohol isn't the focal point. You just have to be creative so your husband doesn't feel like he's missing anything.

There's no guarantees that it will work, but if you can do things like create romantic nights out just the two of you, where drinking isn't important - and get the family out and about regularly for walks or picnics etc. in the countryside or whatever, then hopefully your husband won't feel like he's 'missing out.'

One doesn't need to be drinking every day to have a serious alcohol problem or be an alcoholic, so don't be fooled in thinking that because your husband doesn't drink every day he doesn't have a problem. You've done well to actually get your husband to not touch a drop for as long as he has - so going back on your ultimatum may open a can of worms that you won't be able to put a stop to next time.

So my advice is no. But no one can tell you what to do. Only you can make that decision. Remember too that alcoholism is a progressive illness, i.e. it gets worse over time. Your husband seeming like he can 'control' things now, is highly unlikely to stay that way. So good luck whatever you decide.

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