Standing Up to my Girlfriend , who's a Cocaine Addict
(England)
My girlfriend has been using since she was 14 - mainly hard drugs. She has been through rehab for crack cocaine and for trying heroine once. That was when she was about 18.
She is now 26 and uses it/needs to use every away weekend. She broke up with me after 9 months, because I became to her 'the fun police.' She had just been on a weeks binge with all her friends.
I was with her for 9 months. We broke up for 7, and she went away to Thailand on a holiday, and 7 months after our break up she's asking for me back and back then she apologised for her previous behavior.
But now we are back together and she has a new job, which she loves, and she only (as far as I know) uses weekends. We agreed I wouldn't be around her when she was using, as I despise it. She has moved into my family home, and recently we have been fighting every weekend.
I constantly get accused of keeping her from her party friends and making her feel guilty when she's out having her kinda fun with them. I feel a constant competition with the fun she has snorting cocaine and time with me.
She refuses to hang out alone because she predicts boredom and lack of conversation around me or an argument - starting any chance we have of communicating with a negative. She accuses me of being judgemental, she talks to me with this arrogance, she floats from being happy to severely low and then blames it on being with me.
Her mood swings are becoming more and more erratic, I think because sometimes she goes for a few weeks without using I dont know. She treats me like I'm the one with the problem - blaming her unhappiness on feeling controlled, when I at the moment feel so controlled by her - and when I try and explain to her how, the words are just a jumble because its so hard to talk back to her.
When I raise my voice the slightest she blocks her ears and says 'don't screech please, you're hurting my eyes, I don't want to argue, I grew up with it.' I no longer know what to say to her to make her see the frustration I'm feeling and that the only thing that's destroying us is her addiction.
She used to use everyday, but apparently to her using weekends only is fine. But it means she regularly picks this activity instead of a trip away with me, and as I don't see her that often as she works early until late and gets back and sleeps. We have also not had sex in 2 weeks. Her desire for me seems to be fading.
She breaks up with me and then wakes up the next morning forgetting it ever happened, holding my hand, kissing me telling friends about our next visit to them - I've been dumped three times by her in 3 weeks and all 3 times its been forgotten.
I don't know what to do to stand up to her pride. She tells me I'm acting like her mum, she puts words into my mouth, she predicts bad things like arguments and boredom when she talks about hanging out with me. She says the only person whose making her unhappy is me, but then the next day she tells me she loves me, she convinces me I'm the one with the problem.
Does she not see she's an addict? Does she know she's the one in the wrong and how do I stand up to her without crying, and her saying 'oh dear crying again are we?'
I want to scare her some how, because I think when she breaks up with me, she doesn't really want to, but if I say it, something may click in her head. Help me.
Answer
Welcome to the insanity and chaos of being involved with someone struggling with a drug addiction.
Unfortunately that's the reality you're faced with for choosing to stay in a relationship with a drug addict. Manipulation and being able to spin stories to suit themselves is what they're good at - and that's simply what your girlfriend is doing.
Because she's in denial as to the extent of her addiction, she won't take responsibility for anything and that's why she will simply blame you for everything. That's another thing drug addicts simply do.
You have to try and not take her acting out and all her drama personally though. As much as it hurts and frustrates you ... all her irrational and erratic behaviour and the nasty things she says is the addict in her acting out. It's not about you, it's actually all her stuff.
But despite all this - you have to ask yourself why do you stay with her? Because as long as she continues to keep using drugs all this craziness will simply continue. Until she is prepared to accept she has a problem and is prepared to change for good, I'm afraid things aren't going to get any better for you, in fact they'll probably only get worse.
So there is nothing you can say to her that will make a difference. She has to want to change and that unfortunately doesn't seem to be the case. Find yourself a girlfriend who appreciates you and you have something real and meaningful with. Right now your girlfriend's priority is the drugs and the lifestyle that comes with it.
So if you don't want to keep being second best and have the ongoing drama of your current relationship - the best way to stand up for yourself is to say 'enough is enough' and move on with your life.
Take Care and Good Luck
