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The Man I Love Chose Drugs Over Me. He's Clean Now - But How do I Forgive? Can it work?

by Ashley
(NY)

My heart is broken. The man I love quit using drugs when we met, but then after a while let it back in. Getting high was more important than me. I put up with it for a long time knowing that a drug was more important to him than I was.

We've been broken up since Nov. We tried to make it work off and on while he was still using, but it never did. Now he's clean and wants me back, but I'm not sure I can forgive him. He is the first person I have trusted completely in my adult life and he lied to me so much and treated me like crap.

Plus I've been seeing someone new that treats me well and things are good ... it's just not the same ... I need to know if it's possible to forgive him and move forward without holding onto the other guy as my safety net.

I'm sorry if this is something that shouldn't be posted this has just been tearing me apart and I don't know where else to turn.

Answer

Hi Ashley

Why would you jeopardize the good thing you have with the man in your life now - for someone who has repeatedly disappointed and let you down in the past?

Sure people can change, but how do you know his current attempts at getting clean will last, only to find that once he's got you back he won't relapse into old addictive ways? He should be clean at least a year before you even consider it - and if he's serious about his recovery and changing - waiting that long shouldn't be a problem for him.

Sometimes it's easy to confuse overwhelming feelings for someone as love - when in fact it's nothing more than codependence. So sit on your feelings for a while and don't rush into anything you may very well regret.

Addicts talk a good game and have no problems promising the world - so don't let words fool you. Ultimately his actions and behavior are where the true tests lie - so you'll do well to watch and and wait how his recovery progresses.

All the best and take care

Comments for The Man I Love Chose Drugs Over Me. He's Clean Now - But How do I Forgive? Can it work?

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Feb 11, 2011
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So far so good!
by: Ashley

Jake has been clean over 8 months now and going strong! We talk about it now and then and even though he thinks things like "this would be fun to do high" or "I should do this high" he does not. He has a full time job as well which he is doing excellent at! We are trying to manage our money so we can get an apt soon!! :)

Oct 16, 2010
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Relapse
by: Peter (AUS)

Hi Ashley,
Its good to hear that your husband is trying, that you let this other guy go and that you are being cautious. All these things seem as if they are heading in the right direction but that is only my opinion. I hope all goes well for you.

Regards, Peter (AUS)

Oct 15, 2010
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Response/update
by: Ashley

Thank you Peter!

Jake has been clean for 4 months and 8 days today! He is still working 2 jobs and actually just bought a new (used) car with what he's earned! It's shocking that he actually saved his money without me telling him to haha We still are not back together officially, although we see each other when we can. It's only once or twice a month, but now that he has a better car it will be more frequent. I decided to end it with the other guy which was hard and still is sometimes, but I want to see if things can work with Jake again. I hope I'm not making the wrong decision doing so! I am still on edge and pay close attention to how he is every day. We've hit some bumps of course, but overall things are really beginning to look up for us. Even today I get pleasantly surprised thinking about where he/us was/we were and where things are now.
I do not plan to get back together in the near future even though he wants to I'm not ready for that. I still don't trust him, but we've made some progress in that dept. as well. Don't worry I'm being cautious! We're doing what we can and what everyone can do and that's taking it one day at a time.

Oct 14, 2010
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There are no guarantees
by: Peter (AUS)

Hi Ashley,
The problem with listening to the wrong people is that you may take it to heart that they are right. Sometimes it only opinion based on hurt, not necessarily the right advice. I also have a wife that chose alcohol over me but I have learnt that its not a choice people make to do on purpose. I have been to various AA meetings and most if not all of the alcoholics say that that didnt actively choose to become addicted which does make a hell of a lot of sense.
So while I understand your hurt that he chose drugs over you, that was because he was addicted, I would say that if he could have been rational at all then he would have chosen you but you that is what rational people do not some-one that has a substance abuse problem.
I agree with the website owner that you need to make this decision by yourself, whatever it may be and not listen to anyone that says 'YOU SHOULD DO THIS or YOU SHOULD DO THAT' based on their experience.
I still choose to be with my wife and try to support her as much as she lets me, she is still only in the early days of recovery and it is so very difficult. Dealing with her lack of sense of self worth is the most difficult aspect of her alcoholism and bearing in mind its this lack of self worth that led her to drink to excess in the first place(no doubt your husband did for the same reason).
Maybe you also need to go to some AA meetings so you can hear first hand what they say and get some form of appreciation of why they do what they do before you can make a balanced decision.
But what ever you do regards your husband, having a spare in the wings as it were probably wont work either as you would need be clear of your husband first whether that means divorce then start something later.
Anyway Goodluck what ever you do.
Regards Peter.

Jul 27, 2010
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Response
by: Ashley

Thank you guys so much it helps me a lot feeling like there are people there that can understand what I'm going through. I've felt so alone all this time.

I really care about the guy I’m seeing now. I’m just worried that I won’t be able to care about him like my ex. Most of the time there isn’t that passion there, which was not a problem with my ex. I could tell him anything and do anything in front of him without fear of looking bad or being judged even when he was clean. I have never been more comfortable with anyone in my life.
Now that he is clean he’s back to how he was for most of our relationship, but you’re right he can promise everything and then slip back in. He was as close to perfect as I could have asked for and he’s trying to be that person again. He moved out of where he was living because they were heavily involved in it there and quit his job working at a head shop so he’s not selling the bowls and everything either. He even quit drinking alcohol because that’s a drug too. I’m very proud of him for what he is doing. He is trying harder than ever before to stay clean. From being high all day, always surrounded by it, and only having a part time job to being sober, removing himself from that situation, and getting two jobs so he can really begin a life. He passed the drug test for the jobs too!
He knows we need time apart and hates it, but it ok with it. The only thing is I want to continue seeing this other guy and he says he’s not going to wait knowing that I’m with someone else. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to give up something good just waiting and hoping that he will stay clean. This is really hard.
I felt like I could never go back knowing that a drug was put before me and now I’m thinking the opposite. If he stays clean I feel that we will eventually be together again, but it will be awhile before then. I hope he can change back into who he was, stay that way, and still be there if/when I feel I can be with him again.

Jul 27, 2010
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opnionated
by: Anonymous

honestly i think once he showed you drugs were more important then you, you shouldn't take him back... because most likely he will do it all ove again thats how drug addicts work. i know my mother has been an addict since i was born and said she was clean then a few months later she was doing it all over again.
if your with this new guy. then try to make it work and let the past go because some people never change especially drug addicts.

good luck!

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