Twice Rehab'd Addicted Ex-Boyfriend in Jail ... Again

I have posted on here twice - the 1st time he went to Rehab and the 2nd. I felt guilt and sadness for his situation and was doing quite well at detaching from the entire debacle ... until last week.

He started calling, asking if he could sleep on my couch because he lost his apartment(hasn't worked in 2 years) - and was living out of his car. I have a very heavy heart but did not allow this manipulation. I thought to myself - he can get a job doing ANYTHING and get life back on track.

He has a young daughter from a previous relationship that I know he would live for and get it together, I thought. I had posted two previous bonds for him with a total liability of $20k if he didn't show (one in my mother's name to prove the seriousness of going to court)... and his court date was yesterday.

It came and went - he said he didn't have money to get there. I took him $20 to go to court today (he said it was postponed)... as soon as he got the money I know he went straight for alcohol or drugs (and might I add he looked pretty darn good for living out of his car.

I am certain he had found an unsuspecting girl to house him. Called this morning - could not turn on his car due to his alcohol monitoring device. He was still drunk/high. I was going to take him until he had a indifferent attitude. When he sobered up - he turned himself in but not before calling me to let me know he was going to jail - and his car would be repossessed (apparently he took out another loan on it after I had it paid down to $300).

He is very fearful of jail but after he almost cost me and my family $20k ... there is no option of getting him out - and I feel sad he is there from the stories he has told me before. He will now lose his car - get out of jail with no money, home, car and be alone.

I KNOW I have to let him hit this rock bottom for himself to want to get better. It just makes me so incredibly sad. We lived together and truly loved one another for 3 years. I find myself feeling so sorry for him although he has manipulated, stolen and lied to me for quite some time over his drug use.

I just want to care about ME finally but I find myself so SAD for him - and I am SICK AND TIRED of it being about him. Why can't I think about me at this point?!??!!? I know I deserve better. I just feel sorry that he doesn't have a supportive family.

My friends tell me - he made these decisions ... and I did not - therefore I must let him live with them. I would love some encouraging words to remind me I am doing the right thing FOR ME!!!

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Answer

You said it - he has to hit his rock bottom before he's ever going to get serious about turning his life around and overcoming his addictions. And your friends are right, he made these decisions, so he has to live with the consequences.

Feeling sad for someone who you've shared so much with is natural. But feeling the need to continuously rescue them, despite knowing that all it does is further enable their destructive behavior is not healthy. You know that. It's simply a sign of codependency - and something you need to be aware of and work at, otherwise you'll simply end up repeating the pattern of ending up in toxic relationships.

So by letting him do his jail time and learn his own lessons, you're definitely doing the right thing. But at some point you also have to make the decision to move on, and not hold onto what you had in the past. If someone abuses our trust often enough - the healthy thing to do is eventually cut them out of our life TOTALLY.

Of course initially it won't be easy - but the way to get over someone is to get on with your life, understanding that time does heal all wounds. By living your own life, doing the kind of stuff you enjoy, hanging out with your friends etc., you will get through this.

Take Care and Good Luck.

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