Why Do I Feel Guilty About My Husband's Alcoholism?

Loving an alcoholic is soooo hard!! I don't like to complain and whine. I go to Alanon and try to focus on taking care of myself and having a good attitude.

Once again I am getting overwhelmed by the obsession of the disease. I have a sponsor but I have trouble getting in all of my therapy due to lack of hours in the day. I am a realtor and I stay busy trying to drum up business to make an income.

I take a lot and try not to say a discouraging word to my husband especially when he is under the influence. It is not that he says anything, because he barely talks about anything ... it is just he totally depends upon me. Financially we are about to loose everything and I do know money problems are a killer on relationships.

You have to try together and work on a plan ... he wants no part of reality. I keep believing and praying he will get better but only get disappointed by his slips. He has been on and off for more than 5 years... trouble with law, jail, dui's, ankle bracelets, no driver's license.

And he also expects me to drive him around which cuts into my responsibilities. I will be 47 on my birthday and have been married to him for 23 years. I pray for God's will? We have 3 Children, 2 in college and 1 in HS. My heart is broken, I don't know......

Answer

The fact that you're trying to hold your family and marriage together literally all by yourself is an achievement in itself ... so well done. But since you go to Al Anon and know all the theory, I can be frank with you.

Just because your husband is an alcoholic, doesn't mean you have to tip-toe around him and worry about not saying anything to offend him. Your husband, despite his alcoholism, has duties and responsibilities as a husband and father - and I think it's time you remind him of those.

If he's going to drink, he's going to drink anyway, and so some straight talking and creating reasonable boundaries about what you expect from him sounds like what is required.

You're providing your husband with a very comfortable environment to continue his drinking, by carrying the family and all responsibilities as you are ... you know that just enables him. I also don't think I need to tell you that yours sounds like a very codepenent relationship - so I hope that's something you're working on.

You deserve better and your kids deserve better - and it's time I think to start holding your husband accountable for that. So no need to feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about because you're doing everything you possibly can.

God Bless and Take Care

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