Yeah, That's My Husband ... the Drunk, Controlling, Abusive Guy!

by Lisa
(South Carolina)

My husband and I have been married for 6 long, long years. We have 2 children , who are absolutely wonderful children! My husband's favorite hobby is to get drunk, and call me a b***h, c**t, cheater, lyer, and that I ruin everything.

He's like one of those movies where you can say everything before they do. (I don't do it loudly ... I'm not that stupid!)Yes, I know I need to leave but I just don't know why I can't ...(maybe I feel like I failed again in life).

I didn't have it easy in life. I lived in a foster home for two years when I was 6 years old. That kind of screwed me up with trust issues! I dropped out of high school and found out the hard way that I can't make it in life without any education! I went back to school got my GED and then became a Certified Nursing Assistant. Which that really made my husband flip out ... guess he figured he was losing control.

Now, I want to go back to school to become a nurse. He says "You're getting a big head ... just go back to your poverty paying job.) Oh, he doesn't mind spending my poverty money on BEER! The next day when he is sober he tends to apologize and says he doesn't mean it ... or sometimes he says well, you did this or you did that ... and you know that upsets me.

I remember one night we were arguing(yes, again, he was drunk.) He used his feet and shoved me out of the bed and said that I didn't deserve to sleep in the same bed as him. I went to my son's room (thank god he wasn't home and my daughter wasn't born) and went to sleep. About 2 a.m. I was being pulled out of bed by my feet. This freak pulled me all the way outside and locked the door and wouldn't let me in. (it was cold outside and I only had a night shirt on) so, I slept outside in the car, in the cold.

Stupid me forgave him and I still have problems with the guy. I have learned that he won't be abusive in front of the children ... I think he kind of makes me out to be the crazy one, but my children are smarter than he thinks. See he tries to be the Mr. Nice guy.

I do know that his parents divorced when he was a small child because his father was also abusive to his mother. The one thing that really bothers me is that he will make comments on how beautiful women are but he never comments on me!

So how do I go on and really leave this guy? How can I live a normal life without feeling like I ruin everything and I have the problem? And by some slim chance that I do find a decent guy - how do I have a normal relationship without thinking he is going to change on me and be just like my husband???

Answer

Hi Lisa

Finding the courage to leave your husband comes down to finding a strong enough reason to do so, and then simply going ahead and doing it despite the fear and worry you have about taking that step.

I don't need to tell you that abuse is under no circumstances acceptable - so the big question is why have you stayed with your husband for so long? And I think a lot of that stems from low self esteem and possibly fear of being alone that you most likely acquired in your early childhood when you went through those foster homes etc.

So if the abuse doesn't serve as a sufficient motivator to leave your husband, think of the kids and how it will affect them growing up in that kind of environment. Your husband may not be doing it in front of the kids now, but kids are clever and pick up on things - they'll notice the strain in your relationship and how it affects you, and will affect them in the long run guaranteed. Plus it's not to say he won't be abusive in front of them in future - so keeping them in an environment like that is just not healthy. So use providing a loving and stable environment for your kids as motivation to leave.

Once you've then made that decision, the practicalities of leaving your husband will work themselves out. Whether you kick him out, or you move out, finding an attorney to help you etc. I think are the less important points in all this.

Because I think even more importantly than dealing with the practicalities, you need to seek help in examining why you've attracted this kind of relationship and what you need to do to avoid that happening again - so that you don't repeat the cycle of going from one abusive relationship to another like so many people do. So I think finding a good therapist should be a priority to help you work through these issues so that you can begin healing and make the underlying psychological changes that will help you make positive and empowering changes in your life.

A few books that I think can also help in that regard are 'You Can Heal Your Life' by Louis Hay and 'The Journey' by Brandon Bays.

I also think it's critical that you surround yourself with people who can support you in what you're going through and understand your current situation. Here support groups like Al Anon - for family members of Alcoholics (Al-Anon.org) and Co-Dependents Anyonymous (Coda.org), which is for people who want to learn to develop healthy and loving relationships will definitely get you on the right track. Don't underestimate how powerful interacting with other people who know what you're going through can be, so really make an effort to seek out the support of others.

You're doing wonderfully by making such an effort in wanting to improve your life by studying further. You deserve happiness and love. But these things don't necessarily just happen, especially if you've had a difficult childhood. So you have to work at it and take action to create that for yourself. Hopefully some of the things I've suggested will get you started. You can do this!

Good Luck and God Bless

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